Tag: Self-worth

Players and Prayers

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, Faith, LoveLeave a comment
Couple dancing in the park

I am blessed to work for an organization that values quiet times of reflection. Twice a year, our whole staff comes together for a day of quiet reflection and prayer. We gather beside the lake and everyone finds their own quiet place to spend time with God. We have a whole day to meditate on whatever is on our hearts and minds. Last week, we had one of those sweet days of reflection. What did I reflect on? My calling, my purpose, single life, and dating.

I try to be honest with myself and with my readers. So this post is me processing and sharing my own vulnerability.

Not long ago, I was played by a man who said all the right things. I have had a few similar encounters over the years like this. At this stage in the game, I thought I was old enough to know better. This guy was SMOOTH. He acted as if he genuinely cared about me. We seemed to be on the same page about so many things. We both loved music, enjoyed dancing, and appreciated good food. Conversation flowed easily. Things seemed to click. About 3 weeks in, I invite him to the house to grill steaks after work. We got the steaks on the grill. We were sitting on my back patio just talking about the day. The sun was shining, the steaks were beginning to sizzle on the grill.

A knock on the front door changed EVERYTHING in an instant. His girlfriend was at my door and asked if he was there. I did not see that one coming. I was shell-shocked by that bomb. It was obvious he was, his car is in my driveway. I opened the door wide and let him step outside.

Needless to say, that relationship ended REAL QUICK. I spent the rest of the week digging into what had just happened. I found out SO MANY THINGS. He did this A LOT. He kept SEVERAL women on a string. He lied about so many things. He was the textbook definition of a player.

The enemy came at me hard with so many things. I felt like an absolute fool for being so taken in by this person. My trust in men was shaken. I began to doubt everything. I am my own worst enemy, and the voices in my head went to work. I told myself that at 60, I should have known better! I am too old to be playing these games with these jokers. Should I even care about dating at my age? Who would want me anyway? Why do I put myself through this? Who am I to think I have anything to offer a person? So many negative things beat me down. My self-esteem left the building. Dating is hard enough without having some player messing with your heart and mind.

I had to tell the enemy to get out of my head. I had to pray. I had to forgive myself. I had to evaluate. I had to take a hard look at what I was doing and ask myself some hard questions. I also had to apologize to some people who tried to warn me.

Since this sad little dating lesson, I’ve been working on redirecting my focus to what God has for me. You see, I realized several things. I had been focusing too much on what I wanted. I had taken my eyes off of what God wanted for me. I forgot that I was a daughter of the most high King and that I am treasured. My value is not based on appearance, status, what I do, what I have, who I’m with…It is based on who I am in God and what God believes of me. That was a powerful revelation.

Psalm 139 says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God created my heart, my mind, and my soul for Him. Proverbs 31 says I am clothed in strength and dignity and will laugh at the days to come. 1 Peter 3 says my beauty comes from within…the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. Isiah 43 says I am precious and honored in His sight because He loves me.

If God can believe all these things about me, who am I to discount that truth? His truth overrides my truth every time. I am crying as I write this because I believed none of this about myself. NONE OF IT. I was so out of line with what God believes of me. I needed a wake-up call. And I got it, a rude awakening that shook me to my core.

I have walked through some fires of life and survived some very brutal things. But dating in this day and age is the devil’s playground, y’all.

In the past, I’ve struggled with praying for myself. I had to get over that. I’m telling you friends, if you are going to date in this day and age, you’d better pray yourself up. Ask Him to prepare your heart for what’s to come, to give you strength, perseverance, guidance. Then pay attention and don’t get lost in pretty words and promises. Ask for discernment and then use it. Ask for alignment and see what measures up.

Does the person measure up to 1 Corinthians 13? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

At first, I felt silly asking God for what I wanted in a man. It felt like I was ordering one from Amazon. I realized rather than praying for a man, I needed to pray about MY spirit. Pray and search out who I want to be for someone. I know in my being that I am here to be a helpmate to someone. I am here to make someone’s life better, to enhance our golden years. To be someone’s best friend. I have so much love to give and the experience to know what really matters in life. When you have been through the worst of it, you know how to celebrate the best of it, every day. God created me for such a purpose as this. I’m as sure of that as I am my name.

So my prayer is to keep my heart open to God’s leading and His guidance. I pray for me not to grow angry or bitter. I pray for me to truly let my light shine from within. I pray someone will see me as God sees me. But if they don’t, I’m ok with that too. I am still created by a loving God who values the beauty of the heart.

I realized dating makes me anxious. I don’t need to be anxious about anything. God has got me. He always has. I also realized I am blessed. I am happy. I have a fulfilling job that gives me purpose. I have a multitude of friends who truly care about me. I’ve experienced great loss, but I’ve also experienced great joy. I’ve navigated some very dark waters and lived to tell the tale. And I have some tales.

God gave me peace, peace with being alone, and peace with being myself, beauty from ashes. I don’t need to be anxious. He has something better in store for me, so I’ll go with what’s in His will and not my own.

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:6-7. “‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Lastly, I pray, believing God will give me what I need. I’ve learned so much through this experience. I pray this experience helps you, too. I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Modern Dating Lessons: Assurance Testing in Relationships

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, life coaching, Love, Personality, Uncategorized1 Comment

I’ve been single for 5 years now. I didn’t even start to date until 2 years after Andy’s unexpected death. Over the last three years, I have conducted an anthropological study of dating in the modern world, of sorts. I don’t recommend it. It has taught me so much. I’ve learned who I am being single, living for myself, I know what I want. Most importantly I know what I need from a person for them to be MY PERSON.

The truth is, I’m happy being me and being single. I like me. It hasn’t always been that way. My story is not an easy one to tell, and maybe someday, I’ll share. Those are definitely tales for another day. I’m a work in progress; there is always room for growth.

Would I like to be in a relationship? Absolutely! Am I willing to let it destroy my peace? NO!

I’ve come to value peace, time, and treasure the important things. Life can change in an instant. Many of the lessons I use as a litmus test in dating come from my best friend of 26 years. Having been married to my best friend is both a blessing and a curse now that I’m single. I know the things I could have done better. I know what a good relationship acts like, what it feels like. That makes my tolerance for BS much lower. It also makes me see how most relationships today are not friendly ones. That’s sad, because that’s what makes it truly worth it. I’m grateful for what I’ve had.

One of the best lessons I learned in life actually came from Andy’s career. You see, one of his many jobs in the military was an electronics technician. They were constantly testing equipment to find what had failed and what needed to be made right. In so many ways, he applied that technique to our marriage and to our lives.

I remember one day I was doing laundry, and the start button on the washer fell inside the control panel. Andy happened to hear my few choice words and came to see what the problem was. He said the washer wasn’t beyond repair. He opened the control panel and found the right circuit and the remains of the now-defunct button. He resoldered the circuit so the current would flow where it needed to go. He created a workaround for the broken button. This memory makes me laugh. We had to use a long pencil with a soft eraser on the end to reach the on/off circuit. It worked; he repaired what was broken. Then he followed up, time and time again, to make sure his fixes held in place.

He called it assurance testing. He wanted to make sure the problem didn’t get worse. Checking that it didn’t need something more, that it was good. Most importantly that it was able to do what it was designed to do. We used that washer for years after that fix. As a matter of fact, when I sold our little farm, I was going to get rid of the washer. The couple that bought the house kept it. I had to write the instructions on the top of the washer. The pencil fix worked, and they continued to use it. That made my heart happy.

I apply this Assurance Testing to my life every day, not just in dating. But it may be the reason I’ll be single for the foreseeable future. This philosophy makes me a better person. It’s not about dating, it’s about life and how I do life. Yes, I want someone to share my life, the keyword is SHARE. It’s not about leading or being led. It’s about being best friends and doing life WITH someone. Someone who is invested in the relationship will check in. They will want to know that I am good, to make sure things aren’t coming undone. They will want to know if I need something to get through the day. They will want to encourage me and see that I’m living life to the best of my abilities. That’s what they will get from me, so it’s reciprocal. It’s a mutuality that makes relationships work; things can’t be all one-sided.

Another thing I learned while living with an electronics tech is about dirty power and bad data. Dirty power refers to high-frequency noise, interference, or other distortions that contaminate the standard AC power waveform, essentially “polluting” the power supply. This electrical pollution can lead to potential equipment malfunction, reduced efficiency, and, in some cases, has been known to affect health. Bad data is just what it sounds like: bad information. You’ve probably heard the phrase, garbage in, garbage out. That’s bad data.

My point here is that there are too many distractions, too much noise, and interference in modern romantic relationships, and it pollutes and corrupts rather than giving strength. Pay attention to where you get your information from…think about what the person is telling you. What do they have at stake? Are they just looking for more followers? Do they really have your best interests at heart? Is it hearsay or truth? Not everything you hear is real, especially on social media and with the rise of AI. Bad data in equals bad outcomes.

Make decisions for yourself. Make informed decisions. Listen to your gut. Focus on what you are putting into the relationship. If you are not getting that reciprocated, it’s time to examine that relationship and put that Assurance Test to work. Take an honest look at what the problem is. Talk about it. Can it be fixed? What do WE need to do differently? How can we keep this from happening again? What needs to happen to make it work as it was intended? It isn’t a me or a you thing; it has to be a we thing. 

Relationships can’t exist if only one person is working on it. That’s not a relationship, that’s a delusion, an idea of what you think a relationship should be. You can’t date someone for who you want them to be. They have to have the substance of what you need first. Know your worth, love yourself. Toxic people can do so much damage to your heart, the longer you give them access to you. No relationship is worth stealing your peace.

I’ve been told that I’m comparing relationships to a ghost, that I’m too picky, and I’m whatever. The fact is, if a man doesn’t check in with me, if he doesn’t care about what’s going on in my life enough to ask, how can he expect me to care about his life? If we aren’t checking in with each other, he won’t be there when bad things happen, and I won’t know if bad things are happening with him. And bad things will happen; that’s just a matter of time, they always do. I don’t want an after-the-fact type of relationship.

We all need people who are willing to stand in the gaps WITH us. In order to HAVE that, I believe you have to BE that.

So yeah, maybe I am too picky, but I have this crazy idea that relationships are meant to be more. Your person needs to be the best part of your daily life support system, and you need to be theirs; otherwise, what’s the point?

Keep on testing, friends; I’m going to give it a rest for a while. There has to be something better out there. 

To Thine Ownself Be True

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, Faith, LoveLeave a comment

The title is a line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, act 1 scene 3. I do love a good Willy Shakes play and prose. I also love the wisdom in this quote. Throughout the tumultuous portions of my life, I ignored my own inner voice and wound up worse for it.

To thine ownself be true poster quote

As I strive to become an updated version of myself, I have fallen into familiar patterns from my past long ago. A time when my thoughts weren’t clear and my heart was troubled. Ignoring that small inner voice lead me down a path of self-destruction by overshadowing myself, and leaning into codependent relationships.

Speeding forward, without thinking of the outcomes, was a common theme of my youth. And now, I find myself making those same mistakes. I got carried away, I thought I was older and hopefully wiser, but here I am. I know I can’t do that anymore, even as much as I want to feel young and alive again. I also want to be responsible and secure. Those things seem to be at odds.

I have had to step back, step away, look inward, and ask myself some hard questions about who I am, what I want, and where I want to be in my life. I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with finding those answers before I press forward. Romantic love isn’t the goal for my life. That still, small voice inside me says there is more. Am I listening?

Take the time to listen to what that small, still voice is telling you. Quiet all the chatter, all the outside noise, just listen.

It’s uncomfortable, it’s hard to sit in silence and listen. I forget that prayer isn’t supposed to be a one-way street, with me lifting up a litany of needs or wants. God gave me two ears to listen twice as much as I talk for a reason.

What I am finding is the little things that bother me, are telling me something. My soul feels the uncomfortable places down deep and sends up red flags that require my attention.

The things that bother me aren’t the fault of the other person. They are who they are. I am not here to force change on anyone, just as I don’t want anyone to force change on me. Change happens, good or bad, it is inevitable. Who I was 10 years ago is not the person I am today, nor will the person I am in 10 years be the same as today.

What troubles my soul is what steals my joy and by contrast what brings me joy. I have to weigh those costs. I can’t hold close to that which robs my joy. I have fought a hard, lifelong battle to be joyful. I can’t settle for less. I can’t settle for less because someone else wants or needs me to. I can’t settle for less even though it might hurt someone else.

If I settle for less it is hurting me. If I give, and lose myself, what have I gained? I refuse to become a shell of who I am to fit into a mold I don’t want. I won’t do that. I won’t let my joy be stripped away slowly, for anyone. Lifting someone up while you are drowning, doesn’t give you life, in most cases, it drowns both of you.

You may ask, what strips the joy from me? What keeps me from being true to myself? While that list is an ongoing learning curve, I have found that I do it to myself. Most of the time I don’t realize it until much later. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.

It’s that thing I should have said and didn’t because I didn’t want to come off as nagging, bit**y, angry, upset, or whatever.

It is letting things slide, to avoid a tirade or an uncomfortable conversation.

It is not saying what I really mean because I am saving someone’s feelings.

It is knowing something doesn’t feel right and remaining quiet.

It is being something I detest, passive-aggressive.

When I do these things, suddenly I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person I am becoming.

I strive to be a person who is true, and honest, and whole. I need that for myself. I may never get there, but I’m trying. I have gone from being a “we” to just “me.” I think I was good at being a “we.” Now, I have to become good at being a “me.” Finding me. Liking me. Loving me. All those take work. It is not a straight path.

At first, I thought a romantic relationship was what I needed to be valuable. I am finding out I have been valuable all along and I don’t need a relationship to define me or what I want out of life.

It is not about deserving more or wanting more, it’s about being true to who I am and who I want to be. It feels selfish, maybe because I have never made a conscious decision to stand for what I need to feel whole. It’s about maintaining my independence and not defining myself through a relationship. I am finding that I need space.

I have spent much of the last few years feeling invisible. I’ve been longing to be seen, to feel attractive, to connect and feel alive again, to have deep conversations that connect me to a person and make me feel like someone understands. It is a powerful thing when someone listens and connects. I think everyone needs that on some level. I am learning that level doesn’t have to be romantic. I am blessed to have a great tribe of friends and people who love me and pour into my life on so many levels.

Romance is a great and wonderful thing, but it is not what I need right now. And, that’s ok.