Tag: Relationships

Players and Prayers

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, Faith, LoveLeave a comment
Couple dancing in the park

I am blessed to work for an organization that values quiet times of reflection. Twice a year, our whole staff comes together for a day of quiet reflection and prayer. We gather beside the lake and everyone finds their own quiet place to spend time with God. We have a whole day to meditate on whatever is on our hearts and minds. Last week, we had one of those sweet days of reflection. What did I reflect on? My calling, my purpose, single life, and dating.

I try to be honest with myself and with my readers. So this post is me processing and sharing my own vulnerability.

Not long ago, I was played by a man who said all the right things. I have had a few similar encounters over the years like this. At this stage in the game, I thought I was old enough to know better. This guy was SMOOTH. He acted as if he genuinely cared about me. We seemed to be on the same page about so many things. We both loved music, enjoyed dancing, and appreciated good food. Conversation flowed easily. Things seemed to click. About 3 weeks in, I invite him to the house to grill steaks after work. We got the steaks on the grill. We were sitting on my back patio just talking about the day. The sun was shining, the steaks were beginning to sizzle on the grill.

A knock on the front door changed EVERYTHING in an instant. His girlfriend was at my door and asked if he was there. I did not see that one coming. I was shell-shocked by that bomb. It was obvious he was, his car is in my driveway. I opened the door wide and let him step outside.

Needless to say, that relationship ended REAL QUICK. I spent the rest of the week digging into what had just happened. I found out SO MANY THINGS. He did this A LOT. He kept SEVERAL women on a string. He lied about so many things. He was the textbook definition of a player.

The enemy came at me hard with so many things. I felt like an absolute fool for being so taken in by this person. My trust in men was shaken. I began to doubt everything. I am my own worst enemy, and the voices in my head went to work. I told myself that at 60, I should have known better! I am too old to be playing these games with these jokers. Should I even care about dating at my age? Who would want me anyway? Why do I put myself through this? Who am I to think I have anything to offer a person? So many negative things beat me down. My self-esteem left the building. Dating is hard enough without having some player messing with your heart and mind.

I had to tell the enemy to get out of my head. I had to pray. I had to forgive myself. I had to evaluate. I had to take a hard look at what I was doing and ask myself some hard questions. I also had to apologize to some people who tried to warn me.

Since this sad little dating lesson, I’ve been working on redirecting my focus to what God has for me. You see, I realized several things. I had been focusing too much on what I wanted. I had taken my eyes off of what God wanted for me. I forgot that I was a daughter of the most high King and that I am treasured. My value is not based on appearance, status, what I do, what I have, who I’m with…It is based on who I am in God and what God believes of me. That was a powerful revelation.

Psalm 139 says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God created my heart, my mind, and my soul for Him. Proverbs 31 says I am clothed in strength and dignity and will laugh at the days to come. 1 Peter 3 says my beauty comes from within…the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. Isiah 43 says I am precious and honored in His sight because He loves me.

If God can believe all these things about me, who am I to discount that truth? His truth overrides my truth every time. I am crying as I write this because I believed none of this about myself. NONE OF IT. I was so out of line with what God believes of me. I needed a wake-up call. And I got it, a rude awakening that shook me to my core.

I have walked through some fires of life and survived some very brutal things. But dating in this day and age is the devil’s playground, y’all.

In the past, I’ve struggled with praying for myself. I had to get over that. I’m telling you friends, if you are going to date in this day and age, you’d better pray yourself up. Ask Him to prepare your heart for what’s to come, to give you strength, perseverance, guidance. Then pay attention and don’t get lost in pretty words and promises. Ask for discernment and then use it. Ask for alignment and see what measures up.

Does the person measure up to 1 Corinthians 13? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

At first, I felt silly asking God for what I wanted in a man. It felt like I was ordering one from Amazon. I realized rather than praying for a man, I needed to pray about MY spirit. Pray and search out who I want to be for someone. I know in my being that I am here to be a helpmate to someone. I am here to make someone’s life better, to enhance our golden years. To be someone’s best friend. I have so much love to give and the experience to know what really matters in life. When you have been through the worst of it, you know how to celebrate the best of it, every day. God created me for such a purpose as this. I’m as sure of that as I am my name.

So my prayer is to keep my heart open to God’s leading and His guidance. I pray for me not to grow angry or bitter. I pray for me to truly let my light shine from within. I pray someone will see me as God sees me. But if they don’t, I’m ok with that too. I am still created by a loving God who values the beauty of the heart.

I realized dating makes me anxious. I don’t need to be anxious about anything. God has got me. He always has. I also realized I am blessed. I am happy. I have a fulfilling job that gives me purpose. I have a multitude of friends who truly care about me. I’ve experienced great loss, but I’ve also experienced great joy. I’ve navigated some very dark waters and lived to tell the tale. And I have some tales.

God gave me peace, peace with being alone, and peace with being myself, beauty from ashes. I don’t need to be anxious. He has something better in store for me, so I’ll go with what’s in His will and not my own.

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:6-7. “‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Lastly, I pray, believing God will give me what I need. I’ve learned so much through this experience. I pray this experience helps you, too. I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Something In Me Broke Today

On By charminfothIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Video was shot and edited by Jarius Bush – Instagram  ⁨@JBush865⁩  Captions are auto-generated.

This video is of me reading Something In Me Broke today. It is a poem I wrote about 6 months after my husband died. It was one of the lowest points in my grief journey. I have since met many women who have struggled at that 6-month point. The place where the world seems to have moved on, but you are stuck. Why does the world get to move forward when your world was shattered? The pain is visceral. You feel it in every joint and muscle. It is unimaginable, but the only way out is through. Writing helped pull me out of those depths. It is my hope that by sharing, you will know you are not alone, and you can survive this. I read this poem in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day, because I survived. You can too. If you or someone you know is struggling and thinking of suicide, please call 988.

Here is the poem in written form:

Something In Me Broke Today
Today, something in me broke
I can’t pinpoint the moment
But it was soon after I awoke
The light was streaming in
But my heart was so alone
The light got brighter
But my heart did not get lighter
This struggle from the world I hide
Quietly trudging through life
Trying to survive
But I’m tired and tried
I move from one moment to the next
Feeling like I’m living in a lie
Somewhere out of time
Like walking through a river of molasses
I wish I could shake off whatever this darkness is
The dark calls my name
And I feel so much pain
I don’t have the strength to explain
All I want to do is curl into a ball and cry
But no one is here to comfort me, or even ask why
So I’ll paint on my smile, that doesn’t quite reach my eyes
And press on while I struggle and just wish I…
Had a shoulder where I could cry
Wasn’t alone in my life
Had the energy to continue to try
I want to die
I fight as my eyes begin to mist
Another cruel plot twist
No one should see me cry
Too much pain
Too much frustration
In my pit of loneliness, I lie
This is not my destination
I have known the pain of having no one
I know I am perilously broken
With sharp edges
The pain in my soul is deeply wedged in
No one wants to hear the dredges
Of my past again
I’m beat down
I can’t stand the sounds
That comes around
Reminding me
I am not the tree
Surviving season after season
I am the leaf, I reason
Soon to fall
As with age, life slowly drains
The falling and the pain
Dead Leaves crushed under heavy boots
Becoming fertilizer for old roots
But the seasons always change
And sunlight creates a new refrain
New growth comes from pain
But something in me broke today
Maybe to make room for a new way
to fight this darkness away
God, please just get through this day

Modern Dating Lessons: Assurance Testing in Relationships

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, life coaching, Love, Personality, Uncategorized1 Comment

I’ve been single for 5 years now. I didn’t even start to date until 2 years after Andy’s unexpected death. Over the last three years, I have conducted an anthropological study of dating in the modern world, of sorts. I don’t recommend it. It has taught me so much. I’ve learned who I am being single, living for myself, I know what I want. Most importantly I know what I need from a person for them to be MY PERSON.

The truth is, I’m happy being me and being single. I like me. It hasn’t always been that way. My story is not an easy one to tell, and maybe someday, I’ll share. Those are definitely tales for another day. I’m a work in progress; there is always room for growth.

Would I like to be in a relationship? Absolutely! Am I willing to let it destroy my peace? NO!

I’ve come to value peace, time, and treasure the important things. Life can change in an instant. Many of the lessons I use as a litmus test in dating come from my best friend of 26 years. Having been married to my best friend is both a blessing and a curse now that I’m single. I know the things I could have done better. I know what a good relationship acts like, what it feels like. That makes my tolerance for BS much lower. It also makes me see how most relationships today are not friendly ones. That’s sad, because that’s what makes it truly worth it. I’m grateful for what I’ve had.

One of the best lessons I learned in life actually came from Andy’s career. You see, one of his many jobs in the military was an electronics technician. They were constantly testing equipment to find what had failed and what needed to be made right. In so many ways, he applied that technique to our marriage and to our lives.

I remember one day I was doing laundry, and the start button on the washer fell inside the control panel. Andy happened to hear my few choice words and came to see what the problem was. He said the washer wasn’t beyond repair. He opened the control panel and found the right circuit and the remains of the now-defunct button. He resoldered the circuit so the current would flow where it needed to go. He created a workaround for the broken button. This memory makes me laugh. We had to use a long pencil with a soft eraser on the end to reach the on/off circuit. It worked; he repaired what was broken. Then he followed up, time and time again, to make sure his fixes held in place.

He called it assurance testing. He wanted to make sure the problem didn’t get worse. Checking that it didn’t need something more, that it was good. Most importantly that it was able to do what it was designed to do. We used that washer for years after that fix. As a matter of fact, when I sold our little farm, I was going to get rid of the washer. The couple that bought the house kept it. I had to write the instructions on the top of the washer. The pencil fix worked, and they continued to use it. That made my heart happy.

I apply this Assurance Testing to my life every day, not just in dating. But it may be the reason I’ll be single for the foreseeable future. This philosophy makes me a better person. It’s not about dating, it’s about life and how I do life. Yes, I want someone to share my life, the keyword is SHARE. It’s not about leading or being led. It’s about being best friends and doing life WITH someone. Someone who is invested in the relationship will check in. They will want to know that I am good, to make sure things aren’t coming undone. They will want to know if I need something to get through the day. They will want to encourage me and see that I’m living life to the best of my abilities. That’s what they will get from me, so it’s reciprocal. It’s a mutuality that makes relationships work; things can’t be all one-sided.

Another thing I learned while living with an electronics tech is about dirty power and bad data. Dirty power refers to high-frequency noise, interference, or other distortions that contaminate the standard AC power waveform, essentially “polluting” the power supply. This electrical pollution can lead to potential equipment malfunction, reduced efficiency, and, in some cases, has been known to affect health. Bad data is just what it sounds like: bad information. You’ve probably heard the phrase, garbage in, garbage out. That’s bad data.

My point here is that there are too many distractions, too much noise, and interference in modern romantic relationships, and it pollutes and corrupts rather than giving strength. Pay attention to where you get your information from…think about what the person is telling you. What do they have at stake? Are they just looking for more followers? Do they really have your best interests at heart? Is it hearsay or truth? Not everything you hear is real, especially on social media and with the rise of AI. Bad data in equals bad outcomes.

Make decisions for yourself. Make informed decisions. Listen to your gut. Focus on what you are putting into the relationship. If you are not getting that reciprocated, it’s time to examine that relationship and put that Assurance Test to work. Take an honest look at what the problem is. Talk about it. Can it be fixed? What do WE need to do differently? How can we keep this from happening again? What needs to happen to make it work as it was intended? It isn’t a me or a you thing; it has to be a we thing. 

Relationships can’t exist if only one person is working on it. That’s not a relationship, that’s a delusion, an idea of what you think a relationship should be. You can’t date someone for who you want them to be. They have to have the substance of what you need first. Know your worth, love yourself. Toxic people can do so much damage to your heart, the longer you give them access to you. No relationship is worth stealing your peace.

I’ve been told that I’m comparing relationships to a ghost, that I’m too picky, and I’m whatever. The fact is, if a man doesn’t check in with me, if he doesn’t care about what’s going on in my life enough to ask, how can he expect me to care about his life? If we aren’t checking in with each other, he won’t be there when bad things happen, and I won’t know if bad things are happening with him. And bad things will happen; that’s just a matter of time, they always do. I don’t want an after-the-fact type of relationship.

We all need people who are willing to stand in the gaps WITH us. In order to HAVE that, I believe you have to BE that.

So yeah, maybe I am too picky, but I have this crazy idea that relationships are meant to be more. Your person needs to be the best part of your daily life support system, and you need to be theirs; otherwise, what’s the point?

Keep on testing, friends; I’m going to give it a rest for a while. There has to be something better out there. 

The Curse of an Independent Woman

On By charminfothIn Faith, LoveLeave a comment

If you are a fan of my upbeat, inspirational posts, spoiler alert. This will not be that.

The day is closing on my birthday. My first day of year 59. It began with a funeral and ended with a car wreck. Before you fret too much, everyone is okay, and so on with the story.
Today has been an unusual mix of emotions, sweetness, sorrow, excitement, and fear.


As I said earlier, I spent the morning at a military funeral. It wasn’t long ago I was in that very same chapel waiting for the guns to fire, taps to be played and the flag folded and passed. A military funeral is both reverence and history. The lone trumpet playing Taps evokes a sadness that is not just yours, but the sadness of all those who have experienced that pain before you. It is a history of pain, isolation, and mourning. Taps is played every day on a military post to signal the end of the day. When it is played, life on post stops, people get out of their cars, stop doing whatever they are doing, and soldiers face the flag as it comes down for the day and salute. It is signaling soldiers to lay down their burdens and rest. At the end of life, it signals that soldier have completed their earthly mission and can now be at peace. All of this is why Taps brings me to my knees every time. 


After Taps played this morning, I walked away from the chapel, made my way to a now-familiar bench, and had a conversation. To those looking on, it may have seemed one-sided, or that I was a little crazy talking to myself, but to me, it was a conversation with my best friend, who I miss more than words can even begin to express. A feeling of peace settles over me when we talk of life moving on without him here. I told Andy that I understood his time was not my time. I’ve realized that even though things have been challenging and downright scary at times, I wouldn’t change anything. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true.


Years and years ago, Andy and I talked about how we were in a certain place at a certain time for a reason, and we were given a gift at that moment in time. Our friendship superseded everything, we both had past baggage and troubles, some horrific things most would see as obstacles. You see, if you change one single thing, either good or bad, the trajectory of your life shifts and you are no longer in alignment to be in that moment in time to receive a gift you didn’t even know you needed. Andy’s death led me to the next point on my path and whatever that point brings, I know I’m meant to be there and I’m grateful for the gift.


So when I sat on that bench in the sunshine, talking to a man who was no longer here for me, I knew he understood what I meant. Crazy, right? I know things have worked out just as they were supposed to, even though sometimes I wish they were different. The God of the Universe still has plans for me, he keeps pushing me in a direction I can’t yet see, but I know there is a gift when I get there.


I am very blessed to have people who love and care for me. That was never more obvious than today. My brother called to wish me a happy birthday, my sister-in-law texted a big “Happy Birthday,” and hundreds of folks wished me happy birthday on social media. The ladies in my office took me out for lunch. They encouraged me and loved on me. They made a hard morning a better day.


After work another friend wanted to celebrate with me. I met a dear friend for dinner, and jazz afterward. Dinner was wonderful. Sadly, we didn’t make it to the jazz. We left the restaurant and I had to take a call for work, so I was a few minutes behind her. As I made my way to our destination I was stopped due to an accident. When I saw it was my friend, my stomach dropped to my knees. She was hit almost head-on as she pulled out from a light. Luckily, she was ok. She had banged up knees, and a few other aches and pains. The car was totaled. She was so lucky it wasn’t worse. I was thankful I could be there for her, I stayed with her, cleaned out her car, took her home, and got her settled. Let the people she needed to know, know. She kept apologizing for messing up my birthday. I felt terrible she was hurt trying to do something nice for me. I wouldn’t have been anywhere else. If I hadn’t been there, who would’ve? That’s what you do, right?


We are meant to share each other’s burdens when the world becomes heavy. Then why do I feel as if I’m carrying more than my share?


I don’t have all the answers, I am not perfect, but I am authentic. If I care about you and you care about me, that’s community. Community is very important to me. I will go through hell and back with you, help you find what you need, help you carry your burdens. Community is not about doing life alone. 


Yet…that’s where I am. Life alone, who pours into you, lifts you up, hugs away your hurts, lets you cry on their shoulders when you need to, when you no longer have a person? You give, who gives back? I am not perfect. Sometimes I am empty, sometimes I am tired, sometimes I hurt, and sometimes I need someone to be authentic for me, and care for me. I have always been the caregiver, so I struggle with accepting the very thing I need, care.


Is it easy? No. There are things in my soul that I keep bumping up against. This is where it gets dark, where the hard things get too heavy to carry, where life alone becomes unbearable. But what do you do? Carry on.


It doesn’t come all at once, it comes in the quiet moments when I’m alone and it hurts just a little too much. The times when all I want is a person to be MY person, to listen when I share, to care, to spend time with me and enjoy my company as much as I do theirs, someone to call and ask how my day was and I ask them about their day, someone who gets my weird humor and I can laugh alongside, to share stories, people watch, stream videos or just sit in comfortable silence together over a cup of coffee. Today, I realized I miss having a person most of all and it hurt me to my core. I’m crying as I type this. Cherish your people.


Now, does that mean I will do anything to get a person? Absolutely not! I learned a while back, never to do anything out of the fear of being alone. It is not worth it and it leads to self-doubt and self-loathing.

I don’t need to be married, I don’t know that I’ll ever get married again. Only time will tell, I guess. I don’t want to take over someone’s home or them take over mine. I don’t want someone to complete me, or be my first last kiss or any of that other corny crap that people put on dating profiles.

What I long for is a person I can rely on. For me, that person is a man, who is ride or die, hell or high water there for me and me for them. I miss true connection, true friendship, and someone who will be ok if I cry on their shoulder, and I’m there if they need to cry on mine. I’ve got their back if they need me. I miss having MY person, my go-to when the world goes to crap. Someone who makes me feel safe and that I trust. I miss hugs.


I know I sound whiny, and today I guess I am. Retrospect can be that way. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girlfriends, but they can’t do that for me. I’m not alone, but I FEEL alone. I have people. I have a tribe that loves and cares about me. My friends have been sounding boards when I need to process, they have sat in silence with me when I had no words, they have shared laughter when I never thought I’d laugh again, they have sung with me no matter how off-key I am, they have given my heart a song when the music in me was silent. 


All of this is hard for me to admit, I’m not what many people see. I’m not strong. I need someone to give back and to care for me. I need someone who can be all the things I am to others, for me, to pour in what I have poured out. I have taken care of myself for so long that I have forgotten how to ask for help, and how to be vulnerable.

They call it resilience, but that doesn’t make it any easier to carry the weight. Strong independent women seem to have it all together, the perception is that they don’t need anything or anyone. Strong women don’t fall apart when things get tough, they handle tough situations with apparent ease, and they rarely lose control in front of others. You don’t see us screaming into our pillows or crying in the shower so no one sees our tears. Even though the burdens weigh us down, we struggle to our feet and keep going, because we have to. Not because we want to.


I believe this is the curse of a strong independent woman. 

Living Someone Else’s Dream

On By charminfothIn dream building, encouragement, Faith, life coachingLeave a comment

Have you ever been shaken awake and realized you were living someone else’s dream and not your own?

In 2020, in the height of the pandemic, my husband of almost 25 years died from a massive stroke. He was 52 and I was 55. I was shattered into a million pieces. A middle aged woman who felt absolutely invisible. I had to figure out how to go forward alone. How do I do life? I was in shock, going through a lot of emotions and just barely making it a step at a time.

We had 32 acres and a little farm with chickens and goats. We also had a little tiny farmhouse that was almost 100 years old and needed constant work. I was isolated in the country, and felt all alone in the world. During COVID there was not a lot of personal contact, so much so that we had a funeral on zoom. There was one there to hug me when I fell apart.

A month after the funeral was Christmas. My first Christmas alone in a very long time. It would have been Andrew’s 53rd birthday. December felt impossible. Friends knew I was struggling and asked me to come spend Christmas with them. That positive energy felt like a lifeline.

We had a wonderful white Christmas! It rarely snows in Knoxville, Tennessee in December. It snowed almost a foot on Christmas Eve. It was beautiful. Christmas Day was breakfast and presents. We watched Christmas movies and talked girl talk. It was blissful. A wonderful escape from the reality I felt crushing me. I went home feeling energized.

When I drove down the driveway, through the untouched snow, I noticed a river of water running down the drive. I knew a pipe had burst. We had lived on this piece of land for 18 years. I felt completely defeated. In that moment the world stood completely still. I stopped the car, pounded on the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs.

In the quiet that followed I heard the Spirit in my Soul whisper, “You have faithfully served a great love here and have lived someone else’s dream for long enough, it is time to find your own dream now.”

That day, I had clarity. I knew it was time to let go of the farm, despite all the advice not to make any big changes during the grieving process. I had to do what was right for me. I began searching for what my dream would be.

Slowly, one step at a time, I started taking baby steps toward living a life that I love. I began building a vision of what I want my life to be.

After my realization, I found other people had the same type of experience. They had a hard time learning how to dream again.

Most children dream daily, they can see and embrace their dreams. They act them out, they feel the joy in pretending their vision is happening now. As adults, we often lose the ability to just let go and dream. If you have lived through significant trauma you find it even harder to dream. Life seems to limit everything. But what if you could dream a new dream? What would it be?

So I felt a calling to help others live a life they love, to help them remember how to dream, to teach others steps to move forward, even if it is baby steps. You can climb Mount Everest if you continue taking one step forward at a time.

I made a major step in that direction. I invested in myself for the first time ever. I studied, I put in the work on myself. Today, I became a certified Dream Builder Life Coach.

I am so excited about what the futre has for me. And for you too! If you would like to know more, please let me know. In the weeks to come you will notice a new website here and also new Facebook and Instagram pages. I will still share the positive vibes I have always put out, they will just be a bit more focused.

Thanks for being here for me and thanks for reading.