Problems – On a Roll with Charmin

Music has always touched a place in my soul that most of the world can’t reach. It touches that part of me that I try to keep under lock and key, the parts I rarely let others see.

Music is the soothing of the savage beast and lifting of my spirit and setting it free. I am not musical in any sense of the word, yet I appreciate it in ways I feel in the core of my being. It seems strange to say but there have been times when the music was a lifeline. Music seemed to be the only thing that kept me grounded on this earth.

Depression is not something I talk about often, but at this time of year it can’t be ignored. This time of year is especially, is hard for me, as it is for many people. There are so many memories associated with the season.

For me, it is all of December, not only Christmas. Andy and I met in December, his birthday is in December one of my most cherished memories is the 2000 New Year’s Eve. So the loneliness hits harder, making me long for physical touch and true human connection more than ever. At the same time, I feel if someone truly held me close I’d crumple into a mess of carefully held together emotions that no one could bear to experience. I’m a walking oxymoron.

I was recently talking with a dear friend about depression and its demonic grip on the soul. That conversation had me looking at my life without the rose colored glasses we tend to see our past through. I have had some very dark seasons in my life, seasons that left me broken and at the time I thought shattered beyond repair.

I don’t lean on medication when my depression hits, I lean on music, friends, therapy and most of all God. I’m not saying don’t take meds, I’m just saying that’s not my path. Everyone has to find what works for them. If you are experiencing darkness at this time of year, you are not alone. Talk with someone you trust, find a counselor. If the feelings become overwhelming dial or text 988 for the suicide hotline.

I realized that the times when my life seemed the darkest, the hardest to bear, the most lonely were the season of my life where the music had disappeared and went unheard. I believe the God touches our soul with tinkling bells and tender notes that speak to our entire mind with a healing in a way nothing else does. The music you love moves you.

Studies have shown that music lowers stress. People who listen to positive upbeat music manage their emotions better and recover from stress faster. There have also been studies showing it improves memory function. One study even found that music can help manage pain.

According to ucf.edu/pegasus/your-brain-on-music/ music can change your ability to perceive time, reduce seizures, make you a better communicator, make you stronger, boost your immune system, assist in repairing brain damage, make you smarter, evoke memories and more. Music can release dopamine and give you a euphoric feeling better than drugs. The benefits of music goes on and on.

Not so long ago, I was going through the motions of what I thought people expected of me. Blinded by the past and paralyzed by the thought of a future alone, unable to be in the present moment. Inside I felt alone and dark, there was no light, just blackness.

I heard a guitar from across the way and it was as if the music flipped a switch inside my soul. In an instant there was light, and I remembered who I am. Now, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I’ve done a lot of work on me. The music gave me the boost I needed to break through the fog and it encourages me every day.

I’m still working on just being in the present. I am learning how to live each day as it comes and I am thankful, so very thankful for the music.

There is a Bonnie Raitt tune, “Just Like That” and it has a verse that immediately hit home with me.

I spent so long in darkness
Never thought the night would end
But somehow grace has found me
And I had to let him in.

Dear reader, just know it is ok to hurt, it is ok to feel all the feelings, you are never alone. We all hurt and while everything may look great on the surface, other people are hurting too, so be kind.

Love and peace to you.

Well, I must apologize for being slack in my blogging for the past few months. The only excuse I can give is life. It seems that lately I have had an over abundance of life coming at me from all directions. I know I am not the only person in the world that feels this way. But sometimes don’t you just want to scream, “hey, slow this planet down, I want to get off now.” As if life were a ride at an amusement park, and you had too much funnel cake for your own good.

This week life has been just like that. A roller coaster of ups and downs so severe they take your breath away and knock you back in your seat. My work life is always hectic, but when our office manager quit, work became more intense. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, I am a public relations and marketing manager for a manufacturer of specialized therapy equipment for people with mobility issues. It is an amazing piece of technology called the Quadriciser Motorized Therapy System. My job is multi-faceted, I get to travel and meet some truly amazing people in my work, I get the opportunity to be creative and steer our marketing into the 21st century, but when you work for a small company, you wear many hats and sometimes it can be overwhelming.

If work were the only part of my struggle, there would be some stress but I could deal with it. I was a military wife for years, and as long as no one is shooting at my husband, I’ve always felt I could roll with just about anything. So work stress would be the kiddie version of the roller coaster. It looks intimidating when you 5, not when your 8. Do you know what I mean?

But then, you add the stress of an aging mother, (who I love greatly, but is as stubborn as the day is long, and no matter how you explain it, she still won’t take the medication she is suppose to, like it’s prescribed), the stress of your own health scare and a need to get healthy before things get out of control, the stress of a leaky roof, (that will have to be completely replaced), a lawn mower that decided it wanted to be separated from its gas tank, so it just fell apart, (and we really need a tractor to cut the grass on a farm not a mower) and as of tonight, a refrigerator that just went kaput, all those things in very close proximity to each other, and none of the money to do anything about any of it…well that has put me on the Big Daddy of Roller Coasters this week. All those downs make me want to get off this ride and run screaming from the park. Not to mention, they are exhausting. I need a nap just writing about it.

However, without the downs of my roller coaster ride, I could never truly appreciate the ups of my roller coaster ride. The ups are like soaring on eagle’s wings. Without the troubles, I would never appreciate the positive aspects of my life. I have a Father who loves me regardless of troubles and in spite of all I have done wrong in this world, I have a husband who is my best friend who cares what I think and appreciates me for who I am and loves me even when I am rotten, I have a mother who I get the privilege of embracing as she imparts her wisdom and love on me and I cherish these times because I know she won’t be here forever, I have a church family and friends who will pray with me when I’m scared, confused and when I cry out to God for guidance or grace, I have a good job and boss who appreciates the work I do, I have a home with a warm bed and food to eat. Wow, not a bad life. How many people have less than that at this very moment?

Without the perspective the of the Ups, the Downs look devastating with no end in site. We can’t always be on the Up, but we can know that when the Downs happen, an Up can’t be far behind. I hope my trials and tribulations this week can encourage you to know you are not alone in your daily struggles. We all are on this ride together. Some days its the kiddie roller coaster and others its the Big Daddy roller coaster. Whichever it is, appreciate it, throw your hands up and laugh, this ride goes by to fast.

Thanks for reading. HUGS!