Tag: Faith

Players and Prayers

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, Faith, LoveLeave a comment
Couple dancing in the park

I am blessed to work for an organization that values quiet times of reflection. Twice a year, our whole staff comes together for a day of quiet reflection and prayer. We gather beside the lake and everyone finds their own quiet place to spend time with God. We have a whole day to meditate on whatever is on our hearts and minds. Last week, we had one of those sweet days of reflection. What did I reflect on? My calling, my purpose, single life, and dating.

I try to be honest with myself and with my readers. So this post is me processing and sharing my own vulnerability.

Not long ago, I was played by a man who said all the right things. I have had a few similar encounters over the years like this. At this stage in the game, I thought I was old enough to know better. This guy was SMOOTH. He acted as if he genuinely cared about me. We seemed to be on the same page about so many things. We both loved music, enjoyed dancing, and appreciated good food. Conversation flowed easily. Things seemed to click. About 3 weeks in, I invite him to the house to grill steaks after work. We got the steaks on the grill. We were sitting on my back patio just talking about the day. The sun was shining, the steaks were beginning to sizzle on the grill.

A knock on the front door changed EVERYTHING in an instant. His girlfriend was at my door and asked if he was there. I did not see that one coming. I was shell-shocked by that bomb. It was obvious he was, his car is in my driveway. I opened the door wide and let him step outside.

Needless to say, that relationship ended REAL QUICK. I spent the rest of the week digging into what had just happened. I found out SO MANY THINGS. He did this A LOT. He kept SEVERAL women on a string. He lied about so many things. He was the textbook definition of a player.

The enemy came at me hard with so many things. I felt like an absolute fool for being so taken in by this person. My trust in men was shaken. I began to doubt everything. I am my own worst enemy, and the voices in my head went to work. I told myself that at 60, I should have known better! I am too old to be playing these games with these jokers. Should I even care about dating at my age? Who would want me anyway? Why do I put myself through this? Who am I to think I have anything to offer a person? So many negative things beat me down. My self-esteem left the building. Dating is hard enough without having some player messing with your heart and mind.

I had to tell the enemy to get out of my head. I had to pray. I had to forgive myself. I had to evaluate. I had to take a hard look at what I was doing and ask myself some hard questions. I also had to apologize to some people who tried to warn me.

Since this sad little dating lesson, I’ve been working on redirecting my focus to what God has for me. You see, I realized several things. I had been focusing too much on what I wanted. I had taken my eyes off of what God wanted for me. I forgot that I was a daughter of the most high King and that I am treasured. My value is not based on appearance, status, what I do, what I have, who I’m with…It is based on who I am in God and what God believes of me. That was a powerful revelation.

Psalm 139 says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God created my heart, my mind, and my soul for Him. Proverbs 31 says I am clothed in strength and dignity and will laugh at the days to come. 1 Peter 3 says my beauty comes from within…the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. Isiah 43 says I am precious and honored in His sight because He loves me.

If God can believe all these things about me, who am I to discount that truth? His truth overrides my truth every time. I am crying as I write this because I believed none of this about myself. NONE OF IT. I was so out of line with what God believes of me. I needed a wake-up call. And I got it, a rude awakening that shook me to my core.

I have walked through some fires of life and survived some very brutal things. But dating in this day and age is the devil’s playground, y’all.

In the past, I’ve struggled with praying for myself. I had to get over that. I’m telling you friends, if you are going to date in this day and age, you’d better pray yourself up. Ask Him to prepare your heart for what’s to come, to give you strength, perseverance, guidance. Then pay attention and don’t get lost in pretty words and promises. Ask for discernment and then use it. Ask for alignment and see what measures up.

Does the person measure up to 1 Corinthians 13? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

At first, I felt silly asking God for what I wanted in a man. It felt like I was ordering one from Amazon. I realized rather than praying for a man, I needed to pray about MY spirit. Pray and search out who I want to be for someone. I know in my being that I am here to be a helpmate to someone. I am here to make someone’s life better, to enhance our golden years. To be someone’s best friend. I have so much love to give and the experience to know what really matters in life. When you have been through the worst of it, you know how to celebrate the best of it, every day. God created me for such a purpose as this. I’m as sure of that as I am my name.

So my prayer is to keep my heart open to God’s leading and His guidance. I pray for me not to grow angry or bitter. I pray for me to truly let my light shine from within. I pray someone will see me as God sees me. But if they don’t, I’m ok with that too. I am still created by a loving God who values the beauty of the heart.

I realized dating makes me anxious. I don’t need to be anxious about anything. God has got me. He always has. I also realized I am blessed. I am happy. I have a fulfilling job that gives me purpose. I have a multitude of friends who truly care about me. I’ve experienced great loss, but I’ve also experienced great joy. I’ve navigated some very dark waters and lived to tell the tale. And I have some tales.

God gave me peace, peace with being alone, and peace with being myself, beauty from ashes. I don’t need to be anxious. He has something better in store for me, so I’ll go with what’s in His will and not my own.

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:6-7. “‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Lastly, I pray, believing God will give me what I need. I’ve learned so much through this experience. I pray this experience helps you, too. I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

The Curse of an Independent Woman

On By charminfothIn Faith, LoveLeave a comment

If you are a fan of my upbeat, inspirational posts, spoiler alert. This will not be that.

The day is closing on my birthday. My first day of year 59. It began with a funeral and ended with a car wreck. Before you fret too much, everyone is okay, and so on with the story.
Today has been an unusual mix of emotions, sweetness, sorrow, excitement, and fear.


As I said earlier, I spent the morning at a military funeral. It wasn’t long ago I was in that very same chapel waiting for the guns to fire, taps to be played and the flag folded and passed. A military funeral is both reverence and history. The lone trumpet playing Taps evokes a sadness that is not just yours, but the sadness of all those who have experienced that pain before you. It is a history of pain, isolation, and mourning. Taps is played every day on a military post to signal the end of the day. When it is played, life on post stops, people get out of their cars, stop doing whatever they are doing, and soldiers face the flag as it comes down for the day and salute. It is signaling soldiers to lay down their burdens and rest. At the end of life, it signals that soldier have completed their earthly mission and can now be at peace. All of this is why Taps brings me to my knees every time. 


After Taps played this morning, I walked away from the chapel, made my way to a now-familiar bench, and had a conversation. To those looking on, it may have seemed one-sided, or that I was a little crazy talking to myself, but to me, it was a conversation with my best friend, who I miss more than words can even begin to express. A feeling of peace settles over me when we talk of life moving on without him here. I told Andy that I understood his time was not my time. I’ve realized that even though things have been challenging and downright scary at times, I wouldn’t change anything. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true.


Years and years ago, Andy and I talked about how we were in a certain place at a certain time for a reason, and we were given a gift at that moment in time. Our friendship superseded everything, we both had past baggage and troubles, some horrific things most would see as obstacles. You see, if you change one single thing, either good or bad, the trajectory of your life shifts and you are no longer in alignment to be in that moment in time to receive a gift you didn’t even know you needed. Andy’s death led me to the next point on my path and whatever that point brings, I know I’m meant to be there and I’m grateful for the gift.


So when I sat on that bench in the sunshine, talking to a man who was no longer here for me, I knew he understood what I meant. Crazy, right? I know things have worked out just as they were supposed to, even though sometimes I wish they were different. The God of the Universe still has plans for me, he keeps pushing me in a direction I can’t yet see, but I know there is a gift when I get there.


I am very blessed to have people who love and care for me. That was never more obvious than today. My brother called to wish me a happy birthday, my sister-in-law texted a big “Happy Birthday,” and hundreds of folks wished me happy birthday on social media. The ladies in my office took me out for lunch. They encouraged me and loved on me. They made a hard morning a better day.


After work another friend wanted to celebrate with me. I met a dear friend for dinner, and jazz afterward. Dinner was wonderful. Sadly, we didn’t make it to the jazz. We left the restaurant and I had to take a call for work, so I was a few minutes behind her. As I made my way to our destination I was stopped due to an accident. When I saw it was my friend, my stomach dropped to my knees. She was hit almost head-on as she pulled out from a light. Luckily, she was ok. She had banged up knees, and a few other aches and pains. The car was totaled. She was so lucky it wasn’t worse. I was thankful I could be there for her, I stayed with her, cleaned out her car, took her home, and got her settled. Let the people she needed to know, know. She kept apologizing for messing up my birthday. I felt terrible she was hurt trying to do something nice for me. I wouldn’t have been anywhere else. If I hadn’t been there, who would’ve? That’s what you do, right?


We are meant to share each other’s burdens when the world becomes heavy. Then why do I feel as if I’m carrying more than my share?


I don’t have all the answers, I am not perfect, but I am authentic. If I care about you and you care about me, that’s community. Community is very important to me. I will go through hell and back with you, help you find what you need, help you carry your burdens. Community is not about doing life alone. 


Yet…that’s where I am. Life alone, who pours into you, lifts you up, hugs away your hurts, lets you cry on their shoulders when you need to, when you no longer have a person? You give, who gives back? I am not perfect. Sometimes I am empty, sometimes I am tired, sometimes I hurt, and sometimes I need someone to be authentic for me, and care for me. I have always been the caregiver, so I struggle with accepting the very thing I need, care.


Is it easy? No. There are things in my soul that I keep bumping up against. This is where it gets dark, where the hard things get too heavy to carry, where life alone becomes unbearable. But what do you do? Carry on.


It doesn’t come all at once, it comes in the quiet moments when I’m alone and it hurts just a little too much. The times when all I want is a person to be MY person, to listen when I share, to care, to spend time with me and enjoy my company as much as I do theirs, someone to call and ask how my day was and I ask them about their day, someone who gets my weird humor and I can laugh alongside, to share stories, people watch, stream videos or just sit in comfortable silence together over a cup of coffee. Today, I realized I miss having a person most of all and it hurt me to my core. I’m crying as I type this. Cherish your people.


Now, does that mean I will do anything to get a person? Absolutely not! I learned a while back, never to do anything out of the fear of being alone. It is not worth it and it leads to self-doubt and self-loathing.

I don’t need to be married, I don’t know that I’ll ever get married again. Only time will tell, I guess. I don’t want to take over someone’s home or them take over mine. I don’t want someone to complete me, or be my first last kiss or any of that other corny crap that people put on dating profiles.

What I long for is a person I can rely on. For me, that person is a man, who is ride or die, hell or high water there for me and me for them. I miss true connection, true friendship, and someone who will be ok if I cry on their shoulder, and I’m there if they need to cry on mine. I’ve got their back if they need me. I miss having MY person, my go-to when the world goes to crap. Someone who makes me feel safe and that I trust. I miss hugs.


I know I sound whiny, and today I guess I am. Retrospect can be that way. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girlfriends, but they can’t do that for me. I’m not alone, but I FEEL alone. I have people. I have a tribe that loves and cares about me. My friends have been sounding boards when I need to process, they have sat in silence with me when I had no words, they have shared laughter when I never thought I’d laugh again, they have sung with me no matter how off-key I am, they have given my heart a song when the music in me was silent. 


All of this is hard for me to admit, I’m not what many people see. I’m not strong. I need someone to give back and to care for me. I need someone who can be all the things I am to others, for me, to pour in what I have poured out. I have taken care of myself for so long that I have forgotten how to ask for help, and how to be vulnerable.

They call it resilience, but that doesn’t make it any easier to carry the weight. Strong independent women seem to have it all together, the perception is that they don’t need anything or anyone. Strong women don’t fall apart when things get tough, they handle tough situations with apparent ease, and they rarely lose control in front of others. You don’t see us screaming into our pillows or crying in the shower so no one sees our tears. Even though the burdens weigh us down, we struggle to our feet and keep going, because we have to. Not because we want to.


I believe this is the curse of a strong independent woman. 

Living Someone Else’s Dream

On By charminfothIn dream building, encouragement, Faith, life coachingLeave a comment

Have you ever been shaken awake and realized you were living someone else’s dream and not your own?

In 2020, in the height of the pandemic, my husband of almost 25 years died from a massive stroke. He was 52 and I was 55. I was shattered into a million pieces. A middle aged woman who felt absolutely invisible. I had to figure out how to go forward alone. How do I do life? I was in shock, going through a lot of emotions and just barely making it a step at a time.

We had 32 acres and a little farm with chickens and goats. We also had a little tiny farmhouse that was almost 100 years old and needed constant work. I was isolated in the country, and felt all alone in the world. During COVID there was not a lot of personal contact, so much so that we had a funeral on zoom. There was one there to hug me when I fell apart.

A month after the funeral was Christmas. My first Christmas alone in a very long time. It would have been Andrew’s 53rd birthday. December felt impossible. Friends knew I was struggling and asked me to come spend Christmas with them. That positive energy felt like a lifeline.

We had a wonderful white Christmas! It rarely snows in Knoxville, Tennessee in December. It snowed almost a foot on Christmas Eve. It was beautiful. Christmas Day was breakfast and presents. We watched Christmas movies and talked girl talk. It was blissful. A wonderful escape from the reality I felt crushing me. I went home feeling energized.

When I drove down the driveway, through the untouched snow, I noticed a river of water running down the drive. I knew a pipe had burst. We had lived on this piece of land for 18 years. I felt completely defeated. In that moment the world stood completely still. I stopped the car, pounded on the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs.

In the quiet that followed I heard the Spirit in my Soul whisper, “You have faithfully served a great love here and have lived someone else’s dream for long enough, it is time to find your own dream now.”

That day, I had clarity. I knew it was time to let go of the farm, despite all the advice not to make any big changes during the grieving process. I had to do what was right for me. I began searching for what my dream would be.

Slowly, one step at a time, I started taking baby steps toward living a life that I love. I began building a vision of what I want my life to be.

After my realization, I found other people had the same type of experience. They had a hard time learning how to dream again.

Most children dream daily, they can see and embrace their dreams. They act them out, they feel the joy in pretending their vision is happening now. As adults, we often lose the ability to just let go and dream. If you have lived through significant trauma you find it even harder to dream. Life seems to limit everything. But what if you could dream a new dream? What would it be?

So I felt a calling to help others live a life they love, to help them remember how to dream, to teach others steps to move forward, even if it is baby steps. You can climb Mount Everest if you continue taking one step forward at a time.

I made a major step in that direction. I invested in myself for the first time ever. I studied, I put in the work on myself. Today, I became a certified Dream Builder Life Coach.

I am so excited about what the futre has for me. And for you too! If you would like to know more, please let me know. In the weeks to come you will notice a new website here and also new Facebook and Instagram pages. I will still share the positive vibes I have always put out, they will just be a bit more focused.

Thanks for being here for me and thanks for reading.

Taking a Fresh Look at Deserving

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Love3 Comments

You are never promised tomorrow. Life can change in an instant. When it is all said and done what do you long for? In the past four years of rediscovering myself, I’ve found important things and I refuse to settle for less. I think that is growth and deserving rolled into a package.

Deserving is a cringy word for me. You hear, “I deserve this or that”, and “I’m worthy of this or that.” To some, it means entitlement, to me it means grace. Were I to get what I deserved, and what I was worth I wouldn’t be standing here today. Grace changes that landscape and creates a better image inside of us. We are created by an infinite God, in His image, His energy breathes life into us, His spark makes our hearts beat. You don’t have to agree with me or believe like me, I won’t judge you or beat you over the head with my Bible. Whatever you call it, there is energy that surrounds us and creates us, I call that God.

So how do I get to a place of peace with deserving?

I have had to shift my perception to be ready to change. I know change is on the horizon. I can’t see it, but it’s there. Life happens to all of us. The God of the Universe has given us unlimited creative potential. As humans, we constantly try to fit God into a box with our limiting beliefs and perceptions. God doesn’t have limits, but our minds can’t fathom those complexities. I’ve learned I don’t have to understand, I just have to pay attention and take the next step forward.

I have learned to receive support, I’ve learned that I am not an island and I need other people who are in alignment with me. By being willing to receive support, I can turn around and give support to others. Sometimes we all need someone to pour into our cup and not continually drain it dry.

I have learned to perceive myself differently. I am always my own worst critic. Up until now, I have believed I will never be good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough, etc. I have to combat negative self-talk daily, but now I try to catch it when it happens and give myself an alternative to what the enemy in my mind wants me to believe. The truth is, what others think of me doesn’t matter. The truth is what I think of myself, matters more than I ever imagined. Not in a vain or conceited way, in a wholistic way. We go where our minds lead.

I have learned that condition-based thinking defeats me. My past, my history, has taught me valuable lessons. We lived it, we survived it, but it does not own us. We have a story, but we are not our story. We have a history, we are not our history. By understanding history we aim to not repeat it. By conditioning ourselves to believe our history is all we are, we never grow past the borders of our past and may even doom ourselves into repeating that history and hoping for a different outcome.

In a recent class, it was explained to me like this…Our sense of deserving does not come from our past, our stories or our conditions, it comes from the infinite potential that God has placed inside us. Accepting and identifying that shifted my perception and has since shifted my life.

I’m learning that I have the power to change my self-image by being conscious of my thoughts and reframing them from negative to positive. I’m changing the channel on negativity. I am learning to respond rather than react. That’s difficult. I have a feeling it will take a constant effort on my part. We are all works in progress, no matter what age. I am worth the work. 🙂

Music and Me

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith1 Comment

Music has always touched a place in my soul that most of the world can’t reach. It touches that part of me that I try to keep under lock and key, the parts I rarely let others see.

Music is the soothing of the savage beast and lifting of my spirit and setting it free. I am not musical in any sense of the word, yet I appreciate it in ways I feel in the core of my being. It seems strange to say but there have been times when the music was a lifeline. Music seemed to be the only thing that kept me grounded on this earth.

Depression is not something I talk about often, but at this time of year it can’t be ignored. This time of year is especially, is hard for me, as it is for many people. There are so many memories associated with the season.

For me, it is all of December, not only Christmas. Andy and I met in December, his birthday is in December one of my most cherished memories is the 2000 New Year’s Eve. So the loneliness hits harder, making me long for physical touch and true human connection more than ever. At the same time, I feel if someone truly held me close I’d crumple into a mess of carefully held together emotions that no one could bear to experience. I’m a walking oxymoron.

I was recently talking with a dear friend about depression and its demonic grip on the soul. That conversation had me looking at my life without the rose colored glasses we tend to see our past through. I have had some very dark seasons in my life, seasons that left me broken and at the time I thought shattered beyond repair.

I don’t lean on medication when my depression hits, I lean on music, friends, therapy and most of all God. I’m not saying don’t take meds, I’m just saying that’s not my path. Everyone has to find what works for them. If you are experiencing darkness at this time of year, you are not alone. Talk with someone you trust, find a counselor. If the feelings become overwhelming dial or text 988 for the suicide hotline.

I realized that the times when my life seemed the darkest, the hardest to bear, the most lonely were the season of my life where the music had disappeared and went unheard. I believe the God touches our soul with tinkling bells and tender notes that speak to our entire mind with a healing in a way nothing else does. The music you love moves you.

Studies have shown that music lowers stress. People who listen to positive upbeat music manage their emotions better and recover from stress faster. There have also been studies showing it improves memory function. One study even found that music can help manage pain.

According to ucf.edu/pegasus/your-brain-on-music/ music can change your ability to perceive time, reduce seizures, make you a better communicator, make you stronger, boost your immune system, assist in repairing brain damage, make you smarter, evoke memories and more. Music can release dopamine and give you a euphoric feeling better than drugs. The benefits of music goes on and on.

Not so long ago, I was going through the motions of what I thought people expected of me. Blinded by the past and paralyzed by the thought of a future alone, unable to be in the present moment. Inside I felt alone and dark, there was no light, just blackness.

I heard a guitar from across the way and it was as if the music flipped a switch inside my soul. In an instant there was light, and I remembered who I am. Now, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I’ve done a lot of work on me. The music gave me the boost I needed to break through the fog and it encourages me every day.

I’m still working on just being in the present. I am learning how to live each day as it comes and I am thankful, so very thankful for the music.

There is a Bonnie Raitt tune, “Just Like That” and it has a verse that immediately hit home with me. 

I spent so long in darkness
Never thought the night would end
But somehow grace has found me
And I had to let him in.

Dear reader, just know it is ok to hurt, it is ok to feel all the feelings, you are never alone. We all hurt and while everything may look great on the surface, other people are hurting too, so be kind.

Love and peace to you.