Tag: encouragement

Strange Duck

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, LoveLeave a comment

I am going to tell on myself. I am a strange duck. I always have been. I am a living breathing oxymoron. At the very least, I am a challenge. At most, with me, life’s an adventure that’s never boring.

I am a strange contradiction in terms. I love to be with people, I love to be the life of the party, to be in the middle of what’s happening. However, I do not need to be the center of attention and I don’t have to be involved in what’s going on. I am perfectly fine as a spectator or doing things on my own.

I love to be out and about, but when I’m home, I’m home and I’m not getting out. I love to shop and buy nothing. I love to plan and be spontaneous. I love to think about the big picture and focus on the small details.

At times I crave noise at other times I crave silence. I love to people-watch and make up crazy stories based on someone’s body language. I love to listen to people’s stories. I am just as content to sit outside and watch the wind on the water or swing in a hammock in the woods with no one around but me and God.

I love to sit and talk with people and share a meal. I also like to read a book alone in the middle of chaos, noisy restaurants, music venues, sporting events, and such. I’m quite content being alone in a crowd. I can read or draw while singing along with whatever music as the hustle and bustle goes on all around me. I find it soothing. People find that strange. Is it strange?

I love music, but I am not musical. I know absolutely nothing about music, except what I like, and that is a very wide spectrum. I would be abundantly happy if I could have live music around me every day. Music brings me peace and lights up my soul. Music also brings out my creative nature like nothing else I know. If music is playing you might find me dancing, drawing, painting, writing poetry or this blog and occasionally cleaning, if I have to. Most definitely you will find me singing along, usually off-key, since I don’t know what the key is anyway.

I often look put together and like I know what I am doing, then I fall off my shoes or fart and then laugh until I snort because I fell off my shoes or farted. So nope, not put together at all. Most of the time, I’m like the duck, sitting smooth on top of the water while peddling his legs off beneath the surface.

I experience joy and sadness simultaneously and I think that is a gift from God.

Maybe, what started my adventure as a strange little duck is my mom used to call me Gracie as a child because that was the furthest thing from what I was. Usually, Gracie came out after I tripped over my own feet in public.

When I was 4, my mother put me in ballet classes. It was supposed to improve my balance. After a month they asked me to leave because I knocked all the other little ballerinas off the little balance beam (it was only 4 inches off the floor). They toppled time and time again, like little frilly dominos because I couldn’t stand on the beam without flailing my arms like a circus clown.

When I was 10, I tried out for the basketball team. During tryouts, I went for a layup and stepped on my Converse’s shoe string and broke my ankle in 3 places. I made the team and got a trophy for the most-improved player that year.

When I was 13, on picture day of my freshman year, I thought I would dress nice and wear heels. I strutted to the auditorium for my close-up. I thought I had it going on. UNTIL I had to walk down 5 long steps. I hit the last step, I fell off my heels and landed spread-eagle, in a dress, in front of all of the 3rd-period study hall, which had most of the cool kids in it.

Trust me, things didn’t change much as I got older. I could go on and on about the level of my clumsiness. I now play the game “Where did that bruise come from?” There are many, many stories here. My point is, in all of the stories, I am able to laugh at myself, not to poke fun at my own expense in a negative way, but to embrace the weirdness that is me.

I learned a lot through the years, but the ability to be happy in my own skin, be independent, and laugh at myself, I think are the best lessons in my life.

In the world of online dating where you put who you are in bullet points for some algorithm that will then put you in front of potential matches, I think I break the system. Obviously, the algorithm just doesn’t know what to do with me, given the strange brew of people it tried to send my way.

A friend of mine suggested I try a professional matchmaking service. Mmmm, nope. Not that concerned about it. I’m happy. I do find it interesting though, it’s like a study in cultural anthropology. It seems most people on these profiles want to be needed. I don’t need a big strong man to save me. I’m good. People are looking for someone to “complete them” or “be someone’s everything”. Those red flags give me the creeps. Co-dependent much? I don’t need to be fused to anyone’s hip, or, dress in matching jumpers like those twins from The Shining. Eww, just eww.

Wouldn’t you rather be wanted as opposed to being needed? I know I would. I don’t need a man in my life, if anyone is in my life it is because I want them there, and hopefully, they enjoy my company as well. I have my own space and you do not need to be in it every 5 minutes for me to know you exist and care.

I want someone I can be myself with, to share things with, to bounce ideas off of, to get advice from, to talk to., to be a friend, and in return, they get all of the same things from me. All of those things require a level of trust. When you trust someone, you don’t have to be in their face all the time. When you don’t have a level of trust any longer, you don’t have a working relationship. Communication is key. Talk to each other and say what you really mean. I think it’s that easy. I don’t think people get that level of straightforward.

A friend and I were talking about young couples and how rather than hurt their spouse’s feelings, they will oftentimes do something they don’t really want to do. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to share activities and have common ground with your spouse. As a couple matures they, hopefully, grow together and learn to embrace each other’s individuality and independence. I think differences and having independent activities make a relationship of any kind stronger and keep it interesting.

Someone told me they’d never met anyone like me. I told them, “I haven’t either! I’ve been looking, if you find one, let me know. I’d love to compare notes!” They laughed at me and walked away shaking their head. I may always be a strange duck and a contradiction in terms. It keeps people guessing. I know who I am, and what I want, I’m good. I hope you are, too.

Quietly Vulnerable

On By charminfothIn Uncategorized2 Comments

Why is it considered brave to weather the storm without breaking down? Countless times since my husband passed away I have been called brave. I don’t understand this concept, it is not as if I had a choice, I just had to move forward. For me, it isn’t bravery, it is a necessity, putting one foot in front of the other.

Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

I have struggled with writing this post for the past two and a half years. A friend recently told me not to worry about what others will think, just write it. So here I am, being quietly vulnerable. This isn’t going to be a fun post for me, but maybe once it is out of my brain, I can move on.

I am a very animated and outgoing person, I am not a person prone to drama in my everyday life. I much prefer positivity rather than negativity, and laughter rather than tears. I am empathetic and can easily cry and pray with and for friends. I am happy to help others bear their burdens. Why do I find it so hard to cry and pray for myself? Why do I feel that if I cry or ask God for a personal need, I am weak? I find it hard to be vulnerable, to let my guard down. I find it nearly impossible to cry cleansing tears for myself and my grief in the presence of others.

Andy passed away during COVID from a stroke. Because of the restrictions, it was a time when people could not grieve alongside me. There was limited personal or physical contact with others. His memorial was done over Zoom and is now on Youtube. I sat in my dining room alone and listened to people share memories. It was beautiful, but I was isolated. His funeral happened a year and a half later. It was a small private event and is also on YouTube. People from across the globe attended in real-time and it was beautiful, but still, I was isolated.

I had friends who cared for me and prayed for me, but the thing I longed for was someone to just hold me while I cried. Not just anyone, I wanted strong male arms to hold me and give me comfort. That is something I have longed for my whole life. Not having a father figure in my life brought that wound to the forefront. It wasn’t until times of despair I realized how much I needed a strong male in my life. That doesn’t mean being physically strong. While that is nice, I need them to have a backbone. For me, it means emotionally strong, spiritually strong, and mentally strong. Someone I can respect and who has the ability to open up and be vulnerable alongside me.

That is so hard for me to admit. I have long been the independent, strong-willed, get-things-done woman. Admitting that I need someone feels like an impossible task. The first time someone hugged me after the pandemic subsided I thought I would shatter and break down. I felt it bubbling up inside me and I cut it off. I locked my emotions down tight. I couldn’t be that vulnerable with another person.

Most strong women cry in the shower, did you know that? Rather than appear weak, we isolate ourselves and cry while we are alone and no one sees it. Or we scream into pillows. Doing whatever we have to do in order to remain smooth on the surface.

I remember when the planes hit the towers on 911, I just knew Andy was going to the desert again. Deployment was imminent. I just had stitches removed after major surgery and was finally allowed to shower. I made my excuses and slipped away, turned the water on hot, and stood there and cried until the water turned cold.

I did not want to burden anyone with my tears, my feelings, my anxieties about what may come. I could not bring myself to voice the worry I had, but I also could not show the weakness I felt at being powerless.

Being vulnerable is all about trust. I have trust issues. There it is. There have been very few people in my life with whom I have had a level of trust to show my vulnerability. I realized the struggle I was bumping up against was my own fear of being vulnerable. Miriam-Webster defines vulnerability as being capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or open to attack or damage.

Who wants to risk it? Why would I put myself in a space like that? I learned a long time ago that if I put everything out there, then no one could use it against me. If I learned to laugh at myself, others’ laughter wouldn’t bother me. So, I tend to be very open and honest about things and tend to go through life with a sense of humor. However, there is a part of me that will remain closed off until someone shows me they can be trusted.

I’m pretty positive that it’s why I’m afraid to date anyone. So therein lies the problem, life has become a Catch-22. A problem for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule (per Wikipedia).

I have been slowly making my way out of my comfort zone, being vulnerable. I know what I need, and I know what I don’t need, it’s still a learning process in this journey of self-discovery. So the challenge to myself is to take cautious steps forward and to keep taking them even when I want to retreat.

This is hard. But really, it’s just me being vulnerable.

Afraid of the Heart

On By charminfothIn Faith, PoetryLeave a comment
Heart in the sand on the beach
Photo by Ave Calvar Martinez on Pexels.com
Where are you
coming from
Where are you 
going

Lost in the shuffle
Feeling alone 
In the bustle
Listening, waiting
For the tussle

You don’t know
When the trouble
Will come
When it does 
It will be double

That’s always been
Your pattern
Your past
So you guard 
Your heart 
Thinking love
Will never last

You sit quietly alone
Content to chew on memories
Like a dog with a bone

Afraid to let go
And fall
For fear of hitting the wall
Fearing the chance
Not willing to dance

Empty is what you know
Your heart could be full
If you only let go

But you are afraid of the heart
Never wanting to be torn apart
Again
But if not now,
When

So you exist in the blues
Not sad, but true
Waiting for something sweet
just beyond your reach

You're thinking
Is it worth the fire
To forge the steel
Why try for something real

I understand how you feel
Me too, I am just like you
Can I open my heart 
and begin to feel

The heart is strong
Beating on as if nothing is wrong
Fear is the beast
That makes us weak
Waiting to tear us apart
It was never the heart

How do I lose the fear
Of the heart
I trust it to someone
Who created it to be strong
He's been with me all along

My prayer for you,
Is that you know Him too.

An Open Book with Many Chapters

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, LoveLeave a comment

Anyone who knows me now knows I believe in the power of testimony. The following is an update of an older post called Darkest Days. I’m not going to lie, I’ve got some boney skeletons knocking around in my closet. Much of my life is shared in this blog space, but there are more chapters to come. I am not perfect, but I am honest and open. I’ve lived a lot of life so I have good chapters and bad chapters and chapters where I’ve had to recreate myself. I’ve been accused of sharing too much of being an open book. To some extent that’s true, however, only the people I trust the most get the unedited version of my story.

Photo: Mircosoft Clifpart - a candle burns in the dark
A light unto the darkness

I recently read that experience without sharing leaves no room for growth. Instead, bad experiences turned inward make you bitter and isolated. Wow! Been there, done that, brought home a whole crate of T-shirts. So here I am opening myself up, exposing the dark. I am not a fan of bitter and isolated.

I will be honest, at times I have had an ungrateful heart. I think at one time or another we tend to want things now, instead of later. We ask, “Why me?” or “Will this ever end?” Jumping into a big ole’ pity pool, wallowing in it, and never looking to the future. Sometimes I have to look at where I have been to appreciate what I have now. This is a lesson, I have to remind myself often. 

Everyone has to suffer through hard times and dark periods in their lives. I have often heard it said, “It is not the situation, but how you handle the situation that matters.” I suppose that is true to some extent, but what about those situations that you don’t handle with grace?

In those times, when you don’t make the best decisions, you end up on the wrong side of things. Somehow you make it out alive. Do you hold on to that shame and hurt, hoping no one will ever see the darkness that lives inside you? Are you bitterly ashamed of your past and pray no one will ever know the true you?

That hurt and shame keeps you from being the best version of yourself, you are bogged down in mire of your mind and everything that has gone wrong in your past. But God has created you for more than that, you are not your past, you are not what has happened to you. You are a new creation, it is time to wipe the slate clean, start fresh. We are to learn from our mistakes, not live in them. But, it is so easy to take on that role. 

I am certainly no stranger to dark times. As a matter of fact, if you had asked me in the early 90s where I would be now, my answer would have been, “Dead.” After the death of my young husband when I was 19, I descended a dark and treacherous path.

You see, I had convinced myself that it was my fault, and I felt like those closest to me blamed me and hated me for his death. Beyond that, I convinced myself I didn’t deserve anything or anyone good in my life. I sought out dangerous people and compromising situations. I dated all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. I just couldn’t buy into the premise that I was worth it, so I treated nice guys horribly and kicked them to the curb. Being abused, became my normal because I thought I deserved it.

I battled with my worth and my past for years. It haunted me. More than once, it almost killed me. I felt alone, isolated, and scared of the person I had become.

I didn’t have the strength to walk away from the things that had beaten me down. It took a series of unfortunate circumstances (isn’t that always the case) for me to seek a counselor. Many see counseling as a sign of weakness. I see it as the strongest moment of my life. It’s where I began to see past the darkness.

I had spent so much time railing at God. Screaming. Crying. Why? Why? Why? For me, coming back to a faith I had lost, saved me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Everyone wants the quick fix. There isn’t one; there is no pill, no magic bean, and no physical interaction that can take away the pain you try to hide, medicate, or abuse out of view. Counseling takes time and work, hard work. Faith takes believing. God never said life would be easy. He never said bad things wouldn’t happen. By surviving your worst situation, you can encourage someone else. But God can’t use your story unless you are willing to tell it. 

The rest of the story is that 35 years after losing my first love, I lost my greatest love. A person who knew the darkest secrets of my soul and loved me anyway. A person I shared everything with, someone I could be myself with and they could be themselves, a best friend, a lover, and a confidant. Someone who enjoyed being around me and me being around them. It wasn’t perfect, but it was priceless.

The hole he left in my heart, I thought could never be filled. Once again I found myself feeling unworthy, alone, and unloved and making poor choices because I felt there was nothing better for me out there. I had been through it before, I knew the path.

But God puts people on your path, people who speak life and not death, who remind you that you know a better way. People who tell you it is ok to love yourself, that you have worth and a purpose, to make you remember who you are, and why you are here. 

Looking back on my past now, I am more grateful than ever, not only for where I am now but that I made it through. I may not have the nicest house, or drive a new car. I may never find someone who loves and shares everything with me again. But I have love, abundant love. The people who pour into my life love me and care about me. So, I have riches beyond gold and silver. God told me that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and that He loves me in spite of myself.

Isaiah 61:3 (KJV) says this:
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord that he might be glorified.

God gave me beauty from the ashes of my life and gave me joy for my mourning. I exchanged my heavy heart for a garment of praise.

I am no expert and I can’t wave a magic wand and fix problems. If you are hurting, I strongly suggest finding a counselor, someone who won’t try to fix you with a pill. Find someone who will listen and lead you on the right path. Know that you are NEVER alone, God always walks with you, even in the dark times.

Now you know a little about my darkest times and how it has made me grateful for the light. So, will my journey into dark places help you? I hope it does. I don’t believe in beating people over the head with my Bible, I believe in sharing what God brought me through. We don’t have to have the same belief system for someone to see and empathize with what someone else has endured, overcome, and survived. We all need hope. I pray you have hope for a better tomorrow. 

Republished and edited from June 2013.

I Did a Thing…

On By charminfothIn PoetryLeave a comment

The Knoxville Poetry Slam is a fun, welcoming environment for poets and lovers of poetry to gather and support each other.

I have been attending the monthly gatherings at Central Cinema for about six months. I have friends who write and like me love the written word, so I have encouraged them to come out and participate. Their bravery in sharing their work and the supportive folks who attend the poetry readings inspired me to share my work. I have never considered myself a writer or a poet, yet I am always writing.

Writing is how I process, it brings memories to life and it gives me a creative outlet for my thoughts when other mediums are not available to me. Before braving the stage’s bright lights, I tested out a few of my written pieces on my co-workers who encouraged me to sign up at the poetry slam and read. I was both nervous and excited. I think the pieces I chose came across well, so I will share them with you and also the video from the night’s performance. I did mess up a bit but I think it still flowed ok. I am proud of myself for stepping out and doing something out of my comfort zone.

https://youtu.be/YMQSx0Gj92o

My first piece was my introduction.

Who Am I

Hey, My name is Charmin
Yes, it is just like the tissue
Yeah, and if you really want to know
It has always been an issue

From the playground
Throughout my whole life
All around

People asking me 
Are you squeezable
Thinking it is so cute
To be teasable

When most of the time
I find it highly unreasonable

I learned to take it in stride
To stand out 
Not to hide

To be me
Fun, happy 
And free

I live my life 
by one rule
Don't do to me
What you wouldn't want
done to you

Be honest
Be true
I'll be me
And you, just be you

Treat me right, with quality time
And I can be teasable
And baby, if you've got me 
You better believe I'm squeezable

Treat me wrong, 
And I'll just say
So long

I have no time 
for drama, hate or discontent
Life is to precious
To waste a single moment

So find the good
and grab ahold
Life's an adventure
Let's be bold

Yes, my name is Charmin
Just like the tissue
But you know what
It's no longer an issue

The second piece I read was an introspective bit called All I See.
All I See

So I look at you
And all I see
Is the magnificence
Of what could be

Not as a we,
A you and a me
But as just you
Being truly you

I get the feel 
No one has ever
Let you be really REAL
Truly free

It's not too late
God didn't give 
You an exipration date

So say what you need 
No matter the time of day
You don't have to bleed
From what's been cut away

It is time to be the true
and unfiltered you
Time to shine
Just lay it all on the line

No apologies, or I'm sorry
No regrets, no worries
Pull yourself off the shelf
It's time to show your true self

No judgment awaits
I am a safe space
I long for you to be free
From your chains you have grace

My only hope is
That I am around to see
The magnificence of what
I know YOU will be.

If you are interested in attending or reading at the Knoxville Poetry Slam you can find them on Facebook here.

Thanks for hanging out with me today.