Tag: encouragement

Living Someone Else’s Dream

On By charminfothIn dream building, encouragement, Faith, life coachingLeave a comment

Have you ever been shaken awake and realized you were living someone else’s dream and not your own?

In 2020, in the height of the pandemic, my husband of almost 25 years died from a massive stroke. He was 52 and I was 55. I was shattered into a million pieces. A middle aged woman who felt absolutely invisible. I had to figure out how to go forward alone. How do I do life? I was in shock, going through a lot of emotions and just barely making it a step at a time.

We had 32 acres and a little farm with chickens and goats. We also had a little tiny farmhouse that was almost 100 years old and needed constant work. I was isolated in the country, and felt all alone in the world. During COVID there was not a lot of personal contact, so much so that we had a funeral on zoom. There was one there to hug me when I fell apart.

A month after the funeral was Christmas. My first Christmas alone in a very long time. It would have been Andrew’s 53rd birthday. December felt impossible. Friends knew I was struggling and asked me to come spend Christmas with them. That positive energy felt like a lifeline.

We had a wonderful white Christmas! It rarely snows in Knoxville, Tennessee in December. It snowed almost a foot on Christmas Eve. It was beautiful. Christmas Day was breakfast and presents. We watched Christmas movies and talked girl talk. It was blissful. A wonderful escape from the reality I felt crushing me. I went home feeling energized.

When I drove down the driveway, through the untouched snow, I noticed a river of water running down the drive. I knew a pipe had burst. We had lived on this piece of land for 18 years. I felt completely defeated. In that moment the world stood completely still. I stopped the car, pounded on the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs.

In the quiet that followed I heard the Spirit in my Soul whisper, “You have faithfully served a great love here and have lived someone else’s dream for long enough, it is time to find your own dream now.”

That day, I had clarity. I knew it was time to let go of the farm, despite all the advice not to make any big changes during the grieving process. I had to do what was right for me. I began searching for what my dream would be.

Slowly, one step at a time, I started taking baby steps toward living a life that I love. I began building a vision of what I want my life to be.

After my realization, I found other people had the same type of experience. They had a hard time learning how to dream again.

Most children dream daily, they can see and embrace their dreams. They act them out, they feel the joy in pretending their vision is happening now. As adults, we often lose the ability to just let go and dream. If you have lived through significant trauma you find it even harder to dream. Life seems to limit everything. But what if you could dream a new dream? What would it be?

So I felt a calling to help others live a life they love, to help them remember how to dream, to teach others steps to move forward, even if it is baby steps. You can climb Mount Everest if you continue taking one step forward at a time.

I made a major step in that direction. I invested in myself for the first time ever. I studied, I put in the work on myself. Today, I became a certified Dream Builder Life Coach.

I am so excited about what the futre has for me. And for you too! If you would like to know more, please let me know. In the weeks to come you will notice a new website here and also new Facebook and Instagram pages. I will still share the positive vibes I have always put out, they will just be a bit more focused.

Thanks for being here for me and thanks for reading.

Taking a Fresh Look at Deserving

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Love3 Comments

You are never promised tomorrow. Life can change in an instant. When it is all said and done what do you long for? In the past four years of rediscovering myself, I’ve found important things and I refuse to settle for less. I think that is growth and deserving rolled into a package.

Deserving is a cringy word for me. You hear, “I deserve this or that”, and “I’m worthy of this or that.” To some, it means entitlement, to me it means grace. Were I to get what I deserved, and what I was worth I wouldn’t be standing here today. Grace changes that landscape and creates a better image inside of us. We are created by an infinite God, in His image, His energy breathes life into us, His spark makes our hearts beat. You don’t have to agree with me or believe like me, I won’t judge you or beat you over the head with my Bible. Whatever you call it, there is energy that surrounds us and creates us, I call that God.

So how do I get to a place of peace with deserving?

I have had to shift my perception to be ready to change. I know change is on the horizon. I can’t see it, but it’s there. Life happens to all of us. The God of the Universe has given us unlimited creative potential. As humans, we constantly try to fit God into a box with our limiting beliefs and perceptions. God doesn’t have limits, but our minds can’t fathom those complexities. I’ve learned I don’t have to understand, I just have to pay attention and take the next step forward.

I have learned to receive support, I’ve learned that I am not an island and I need other people who are in alignment with me. By being willing to receive support, I can turn around and give support to others. Sometimes we all need someone to pour into our cup and not continually drain it dry.

I have learned to perceive myself differently. I am always my own worst critic. Up until now, I have believed I will never be good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough, etc. I have to combat negative self-talk daily, but now I try to catch it when it happens and give myself an alternative to what the enemy in my mind wants me to believe. The truth is, what others think of me doesn’t matter. The truth is what I think of myself, matters more than I ever imagined. Not in a vain or conceited way, in a wholistic way. We go where our minds lead.

I have learned that condition-based thinking defeats me. My past, my history, has taught me valuable lessons. We lived it, we survived it, but it does not own us. We have a story, but we are not our story. We have a history, we are not our history. By understanding history we aim to not repeat it. By conditioning ourselves to believe our history is all we are, we never grow past the borders of our past and may even doom ourselves into repeating that history and hoping for a different outcome.

In a recent class, it was explained to me like this…Our sense of deserving does not come from our past, our stories or our conditions, it comes from the infinite potential that God has placed inside us. Accepting and identifying that shifted my perception and has since shifted my life.

I’m learning that I have the power to change my self-image by being conscious of my thoughts and reframing them from negative to positive. I’m changing the channel on negativity. I am learning to respond rather than react. That’s difficult. I have a feeling it will take a constant effort on my part. We are all works in progress, no matter what age. I am worth the work. 🙂

The Sea of Overthinking

On By charminfothIn encouragement, FaithLeave a comment

I think at one time or another we have all been guilty of overthinking. I know I have set sail on the Sea of Overthinking many, many times.

We try to process what a situation, turn of a phrase, or action from another means, and what the intention of another was toward us. Our minds spin with “What did this mean,” or “Why did they say that?”

When I was younger I spent so much of my energy trying to figure out why someone behaved this way or that way toward me. I built up expectations and scenarios in my head that were so far from the truth. I would have whole conversations in my head with people, what I would say if I could, and how they would react. I had everything mapped out in my brain for what I thought it should be. In reality, the conversations never went as I expected. In most cases, it went far better than I ever expected.

It took me years to learn that the energy I was using to overthink things was misguided. Twenty-six years in a relationship with a chronic overthinker taught me so many life lessons. I like to think it made us better people by learning the lessons together. We had both been in a sea of overthought expectations for a long time before we met. We were stuck by how other people had hurt and failed us in one way or another. We both struggled with past trauma. Some hurt was of our own making, some not, and all had anchored in our souls and prevented us from moving forward.

Looking at the course of my life, with all its twists and turns, I am always amazed and grateful that I am here. I believe that God places people in your life for a reason and a season. Not all are meant to be there for life, but the lessons they leave with you during that season are invaluable. It is up to you to be grateful for the lesson or let it eat away at your peace. I choose to be grateful for every lesson life has sent my way.

So for a season, I was sent a man who was as broken as I was, and we helped each other heal. Together, we learned that communication is what guides the boat to the safety of the shore and forgiveness is what pulls up the anchors and sets you free to move forward.

Neither of us liked being unsure of ourselves or feeling insecure, overthinking was a form of fear we hated admitting. So, we struck a bargain (we actually struck up several bargains that first year, but that’s for another time). If we were unsure of what the other meant by something we would ask. It seems so simple but it was so life-changing.

We also agreed to check each other when we would notice the other was overthinking. There were times when I would hear, “Tell me what’s going on?” and I would cringe because I knew we were about to have a conversation I needed to have. I would say, “I’m fine, and he would tell me “Fine is one of the 7 circles of Hell.” “Fine” was never the right answer, so that’s where the conversation would start. You see, I’m a little hard-headed and sometimes I needed someone to just be straight with me, to pull me out of my own headspace.

By the same token, when he was overthinking, he would divert the question and talk about everything except what I had asked him. When that happened, I’d just say “OK, what’s up, let’s talk about it.” It wasn’t always an easy conversation, but it was always a conversation worth having. We learned that we were safe spaces for each other.

This is one of the best lessons, learning it was ok to ask questions. I learned asking questions shows someone you care and you want to better understand them.

I shouldn’t be amazed that God knows what He is doing, yet I always am. You see broken pieces can fit together in ways we never expect and when it happens it is a beautiful thing.

I often think of my life as a mosaic. Little pieces of brightly colored tile or glass, pieced together again and again after every break. Each break is different than the break before, but every time coming together to create a more detailed version than I was the season before. All life’s lessons lead you to where you are at this very moment.

I still overthink things, I’m still hard-headed, and I still need to hear from friends that I’m in my own head. When it happens I’ve learned to get quiet and listen to that still small voice. In the quiet, the chaos falls away. That still small voice deep inside is not one of chaos, it is one of calm and peace, it never berates me or makes me feel less than, it whispers “You are enough.” That voice reminds me to ask questions where and when they are needed for clarity and not operate from a place of doubt and fear. I have learned to welcome discerning questions from those close to me because it shows they want to know more about what’s going on with me.

The practice of asking for clarity doesn’t happen overnight and it can be difficult at times. I believe it is worth it, there is freedom that comes from not overthinking things. You learn to trade expectations for gratitude. What ifs change from a negative thought to a positive thought. The energy you once used spinning in your own mind is replaced by peace, you breathe easier, and you feel lighter.

My prayer for you tonight is that you feel peace.

Thanks for reading.

Being Brave

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Poetry1 Comment

I have ruminated on this post for quite some time. I have often been told I was brave, but I have never, ever viewed myself as brave. So my question is, what do you consider brave?

Miriam Webster defines bravery as the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty: the quality or state of being brave: COURAGE.

I feel guilty saying this (and I pray I don’t jinx myself), but my life right now, at this moment, is easier than it has ever been. That is not an exaggeration, it is a blessing from God. I have a nice place to live, a dependable car, a job I love, people who care about me, food on my table, and clean clothes. I am so thankful for all I have been blessed with, I am awed by it.

My life has not been an easy one, but with every trial, there is a testimony. I believe in the power of testimony, I believe my truths help others so they don’t have the same struggles I’ve had. I believe shared wisdom is shared wealth. Not a monetary wealth that can be gone in an instant but a wealth of spirit that money can’t provide.

I’ve never been monetarily wealthy, but I’ve walked along the French Rivera and through the streets of Rome and Barcelona. I’m not famous, but I’ve been on television. I’m not an author, but you are reading my work. I’m not lonely, but in the quiet times, I’m alone.

Just because you don’t have doesn’t mean you will never get. God places things in our path, people, opportunities, experiences, etc. for a reason or a season. If I choose to ignore the possibilities of what’s in front of me because of what is behind me, I stay rooted in fear. So then, am I brave for moving forward?

I wrote a poem about bravery for a local poetry night and I really struggled with sharing it. I felt as if I was opening a door screaming, “Poor me, look what I’ve been through.” That’s not it at all, it’s just me showing my scars and battle wounds, saying, “See, I’ve healed, you can, too.” The scars remind us where we’ve been, and are a testimony to our resilience, but they shouldn’t hold us back, so here’s me showing my scars.

Being Brave

Bravery is not
What I see in me, you see

I was told I was brave
When I was adopted at 4

I was told I was brave
for starting in a new school in a new town

I was told I was brave
telling an adult what happened

I was told I was brave
running away from it happening again

I was told I was brave
standing up for myself

I was told I was brave
standing in front of a judge

I was told I was brave
for art school instead of college

I was told I was brave
leaving a hospital a widow at 19

I was told I was brave 
moving where no one knew me

I was told I was brave
leaving abusive relationships
again, again, and again

I was told I was brave 
transferring jobs 

I was told I was brave
marrying again

I was told I was brave
leaving everything behind

I was told I was brave
seeking help

I was told I was brave
going to therapy and sharing

I was told I was brave
marrying into the military 

I was told I was brave
traveling alone to a strange country

I was told I was brave
teaching a class

I was told I was brave
volunteering my time

I was told I was brave 
changing careers

I was told I was brave
writing 

I was told I was brave
acting

I was told I was brave
leaving another hospital a widow at 55

I was told I was brave
handling it all with grace

I was told I was brave
dating again

I was told I was brave
standing on this stage

I was told I was brave
with purple hair

I was told I was brave
showing my scars 

I was told I was brave
for so many things

I was told I was brave
Surviving

I was told I was brave
but  I'm not

I was told I was brave

Sometimes being brave is just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Everyone has troubled times. There is nothing special about me, other than I am a child of God, created to share love and be loved. What else do I need? Life is good. Be brave.

Thanks for reading.

Music and Me

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith1 Comment

Music has always touched a place in my soul that most of the world can’t reach. It touches that part of me that I try to keep under lock and key, the parts I rarely let others see.

Music is the soothing of the savage beast and lifting of my spirit and setting it free. I am not musical in any sense of the word, yet I appreciate it in ways I feel in the core of my being. It seems strange to say but there have been times when the music was a lifeline. Music seemed to be the only thing that kept me grounded on this earth.

Depression is not something I talk about often, but at this time of year it can’t be ignored. This time of year is especially, is hard for me, as it is for many people. There are so many memories associated with the season.

For me, it is all of December, not only Christmas. Andy and I met in December, his birthday is in December one of my most cherished memories is the 2000 New Year’s Eve. So the loneliness hits harder, making me long for physical touch and true human connection more than ever. At the same time, I feel if someone truly held me close I’d crumple into a mess of carefully held together emotions that no one could bear to experience. I’m a walking oxymoron.

I was recently talking with a dear friend about depression and its demonic grip on the soul. That conversation had me looking at my life without the rose colored glasses we tend to see our past through. I have had some very dark seasons in my life, seasons that left me broken and at the time I thought shattered beyond repair.

I don’t lean on medication when my depression hits, I lean on music, friends, therapy and most of all God. I’m not saying don’t take meds, I’m just saying that’s not my path. Everyone has to find what works for them. If you are experiencing darkness at this time of year, you are not alone. Talk with someone you trust, find a counselor. If the feelings become overwhelming dial or text 988 for the suicide hotline.

I realized that the times when my life seemed the darkest, the hardest to bear, the most lonely were the season of my life where the music had disappeared and went unheard. I believe the God touches our soul with tinkling bells and tender notes that speak to our entire mind with a healing in a way nothing else does. The music you love moves you.

Studies have shown that music lowers stress. People who listen to positive upbeat music manage their emotions better and recover from stress faster. There have also been studies showing it improves memory function. One study even found that music can help manage pain.

According to ucf.edu/pegasus/your-brain-on-music/ music can change your ability to perceive time, reduce seizures, make you a better communicator, make you stronger, boost your immune system, assist in repairing brain damage, make you smarter, evoke memories and more. Music can release dopamine and give you a euphoric feeling better than drugs. The benefits of music goes on and on.

Not so long ago, I was going through the motions of what I thought people expected of me. Blinded by the past and paralyzed by the thought of a future alone, unable to be in the present moment. Inside I felt alone and dark, there was no light, just blackness.

I heard a guitar from across the way and it was as if the music flipped a switch inside my soul. In an instant there was light, and I remembered who I am. Now, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I’ve done a lot of work on me. The music gave me the boost I needed to break through the fog and it encourages me every day.

I’m still working on just being in the present. I am learning how to live each day as it comes and I am thankful, so very thankful for the music.

There is a Bonnie Raitt tune, “Just Like That” and it has a verse that immediately hit home with me. 

I spent so long in darkness
Never thought the night would end
But somehow grace has found me
And I had to let him in.

Dear reader, just know it is ok to hurt, it is ok to feel all the feelings, you are never alone. We all hurt and while everything may look great on the surface, other people are hurting too, so be kind.

Love and peace to you.