Earlier this week I ventured down Jackson Ave. in the Old City section of Knoxville, Tennessee for lunch. I enjoy the architecture, variety, and places that make Knoxville feel like home.
After lunch, I made my way to the loo, and while there, I noticed the writing on the stall door. It was one of those things that captured your attention. The funny thing about it is that days later, I’m still thinking about it.
The quote emblazoned on the stall was this, “The truth does not require your belief to be true, but a lie does!”
My mind has had that thought rattling around for days now. What does our belief stand on? Are you willing to search for its truth, not just blindly believe what the masses tell you to believe? Are there any free thinkers still in existence?
These questions puzzle me. It seems everyone is ready to jump on this bandwagon or another without examining the facts. The things that are put before us seem to be manufactured facts and not reality. I’m not sure the public even knows what reality looks like. The world appears to be manipulated by Photo-shopped images and soundbites.
I am usually a very optimistic person and I’m trying to remain so. I believe in amplified thought, our energy amplifies the thoughts we hold. If we hold negative thoughts, negativity becomes attracted to us. There is so much negativity in the world right now and it is amplified over and over again. If we continually focus on the negative, the negative is all we will ever see. I choose every day to look for the positive.
I try to make the best choices based on the information I have been able to verify. I strive to raise my awareness, I’m looking for the best-case scenario. I do know that growth happens in uncomfortable places. I think uncomfortable is on the horizon for us all. It is my hope that the growth that comes from it will be good for us all.
You are free to believe however you choose, I force my beliefs on no one. My hope is the God I believe in, a God of love, and peace. He is who will guide my steps. No matter what the future holds, I will continue to love my fellow humans on this earth, the ones like me, the ones not like me, and everyone in between.
I love the quote by Martin Luther King, Jr. that states Love is the answer to hate: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that”.
Let’s be the answer to hate, lies, and discontent. Let’s love people well.
Have you ever been shaken awake and realized you were living someone else’s dream and not your own?
In 2020, in the height of the pandemic, my husband of almost 25 years died from a massive stroke. He was 52 and I was 55. I was shattered into a million pieces. A middle aged woman who felt absolutely invisible. I had to figure out how to go forward alone. How do I do life? I was in shock, going through a lot of emotions and just barely making it a step at a time.
We had 32 acres and a little farm with chickens and goats. We also had a little tiny farmhouse that was almost 100 years old and needed constant work. I was isolated in the country, and felt all alone in the world. During COVID there was not a lot of personal contact, so much so that we had a funeral on zoom. There was one there to hug me when I fell apart.
A month after the funeral was Christmas. My first Christmas alone in a very long time. It would have been Andrew’s 53rd birthday. December felt impossible. Friends knew I was struggling and asked me to come spend Christmas with them. That positive energy felt like a lifeline.
We had a wonderful white Christmas! It rarely snows in Knoxville, Tennessee in December. It snowed almost a foot on Christmas Eve. It was beautiful. Christmas Day was breakfast and presents. We watched Christmas movies and talked girl talk. It was blissful. A wonderful escape from the reality I felt crushing me. I went home feeling energized.
When I drove down the driveway, through the untouched snow, I noticed a river of water running down the drive. I knew a pipe had burst. We had lived on this piece of land for 18 years. I felt completely defeated. In that moment the world stood completely still. I stopped the car, pounded on the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs.
In the quiet that followed I heard the Spirit in my Soul whisper, “You have faithfully served a great love here and have lived someone else’s dream for long enough, it is time to find your own dream now.”
That day, I had clarity. I knew it was time to let go of the farm, despite all the advice not to make any big changes during the grieving process. I had to do what was right for me. I began searching for what my dream would be.
Slowly, one step at a time, I started taking baby steps toward living a life that I love. I began building a vision of what I want my life to be.
After my realization, I found other people had the same type of experience. They had a hard time learning how to dream again.
Most children dream daily, they can see and embrace their dreams. They act them out, they feel the joy in pretending their vision is happening now. As adults, we often lose the ability to just let go and dream. If you have lived through significant trauma you find it even harder to dream. Life seems to limit everything. But what if you could dream a new dream? What would it be?
So I felt a calling to help others live a life they love, to help them remember how to dream, to teach others steps to move forward, even if it is baby steps. You can climb Mount Everest if you continue taking one step forward at a time.
I made a major step in that direction. I invested in myself for the first time ever. I studied, I put in the work on myself. Today, I became a certified Dream Builder Life Coach.
I am so excited about what the futre has for me. And for you too! If you would like to know more, please let me know. In the weeks to come you will notice a new website here and also new Facebook and Instagram pages. I will still share the positive vibes I have always put out, they will just be a bit more focused.
Thanks for being here for me and thanks for reading.
You are never promised tomorrow. Life can change in an instant. When it is all said and done what do you long for? In the past four years of rediscovering myself, I’ve found important things and I refuse to settle for less. I think that is growth and deserving rolled into a package.
Deserving is a cringy word for me. You hear, “I deserve this or that”, and “I’m worthy of this or that.” To some, it means entitlement, to me it means grace. Were I to get what I deserved, and what I was worth I wouldn’t be standing here today. Grace changes that landscape and creates a better image inside of us. We are created by an infinite God, in His image, His energy breathes life into us, His spark makes our hearts beat. You don’t have to agree with me or believe like me, I won’t judge you or beat you over the head with my Bible. Whatever you call it, there is energy that surrounds us and creates us, I call that God.
So how do I get to a place of peace with deserving?
I have had to shift my perception to be ready to change. I know change is on the horizon. I can’t see it, but it’s there. Life happens to all of us. The God of the Universe has given us unlimited creative potential. As humans, we constantly try to fit God into a box with our limiting beliefs and perceptions. God doesn’t have limits, but our minds can’t fathom those complexities. I’ve learned I don’t have to understand, I just have to pay attention and take the next step forward.
I have learned to receive support, I’ve learned that I am not an island and I need other people who are in alignment with me. By being willing to receive support, I can turn around and give support to others. Sometimes we all need someone to pour into our cup and not continually drain it dry.
I have learned to perceive myself differently. I am always my own worst critic. Up until now, I have believed I will never be good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough, etc. I have to combat negative self-talk daily, but now I try to catch it when it happens and give myself an alternative to what the enemy in my mind wants me to believe. The truth is, what others think of me doesn’t matter. The truth is what I think of myself, matters more than I ever imagined. Not in a vain or conceited way, in a wholistic way. We go where our minds lead.
I have learned that condition-based thinking defeats me. My past, my history, has taught me valuable lessons. We lived it, we survived it, but it does not own us. We have a story, but we are not our story. We have a history, we are not our history. By understanding history we aim to not repeat it. By conditioning ourselves to believe our history is all we are, we never grow past the borders of our past and may even doom ourselves into repeating that history and hoping for a different outcome.
In a recent class, it was explained to me like this…Our sense of deserving does not come from our past, our stories or our conditions, it comes from the infinite potential that God has placed inside us. Accepting and identifying that shifted my perception and has since shifted my life.
I’m learning that I have the power to change my self-image by being conscious of my thoughts and reframing them from negative to positive. I’m changing the channel on negativity. I am learning to respond rather than react. That’s difficult. I have a feeling it will take a constant effort on my part. We are all works in progress, no matter what age. I am worth the work. 🙂
I think at one time or another we have all been guilty of overthinking. I know I have set sail on the Sea of Overthinking many, many times.
We try to process what a situation, turn of a phrase, or action from another means, and what the intention of another was toward us. Our minds spin with “What did this mean,” or “Why did they say that?”
When I was younger I spent so much of my energy trying to figure out why someone behaved this way or that way toward me. I built up expectations and scenarios in my head that were so far from the truth. I would have whole conversations in my head with people, what I would say if I could, and how they would react. I had everything mapped out in my brain for what I thought it should be. In reality, the conversations never went as I expected. In most cases, it went far better than I ever expected.
It took me years to learn that the energy I was using to overthink things was misguided. Twenty-six years in a relationship with a chronic overthinker taught me so many life lessons. I like to think it made us better people by learning the lessons together. We had both been in a sea of overthought expectations for a long time before we met. We were stuck by how other people had hurt and failed us in one way or another. We both struggled with past trauma. Some hurt was of our own making, some not, and all had anchored in our souls and prevented us from moving forward.
Looking at the course of my life, with all its twists and turns, I am always amazed and grateful that I am here. I believe that God places people in your life for a reason and a season. Not all are meant to be there for life, but the lessons they leave with you during that season are invaluable. It is up to you to be grateful for the lesson or let it eat away at your peace. I choose to be grateful for every lesson life has sent my way.
So for a season, I was sent a man who was as broken as I was, and we helped each other heal. Together, we learned that communication is what guides the boat to the safety of the shore and forgiveness is what pulls up the anchors and sets you free to move forward.
Neither of us liked being unsure of ourselves or feeling insecure, overthinking was a form of fear we hated admitting. So, we struck a bargain (we actually struck up several bargains that first year, but that’s for another time). If we were unsure of what the other meant by something we would ask. It seems so simple but it was so life-changing.
We also agreed to check each other when we would notice the other was overthinking. There were times when I would hear, “Tell me what’s going on?” and I would cringe because I knew we were about to have a conversation I needed to have. I would say, “I’m fine, and he would tell me “Fine is one of the 7 circles of Hell.” “Fine” was never the right answer, so that’s where the conversation would start. You see, I’m a little hard-headed and sometimes I needed someone to just be straight with me, to pull me out of my own headspace.
By the same token, when he was overthinking, he would divert the question and talk about everything except what I had asked him. When that happened, I’d just say “OK, what’s up, let’s talk about it.” It wasn’t always an easy conversation, but it was always a conversation worth having. We learned that we were safe spaces for each other.
This is one of the best lessons, learning it was ok to ask questions. I learned asking questions shows someone you care and you want to better understand them.
I shouldn’t be amazed that God knows what He is doing, yet I always am. You see broken pieces can fit together in ways we never expect and when it happens it is a beautiful thing.
I often think of my life as a mosaic. Little pieces of brightly colored tile or glass, pieced together again and again after every break. Each break is different than the break before, but every time coming together to create a more detailed version than I was the season before. All life’s lessons lead you to where you are at this very moment.
I still overthink things, I’m still hard-headed, and I still need to hear from friends that I’m in my own head. When it happens I’ve learned to get quiet and listen to that still small voice. In the quiet, the chaos falls away. That still small voice deep inside is not one of chaos, it is one of calm and peace, it never berates me or makes me feel less than, it whispers “You are enough.” That voice reminds me to ask questions where and when they are needed for clarity and not operate from a place of doubt and fear. I have learned to welcome discerning questions from those close to me because it shows they want to know more about what’s going on with me.
The practice of asking for clarity doesn’t happen overnight and it can be difficult at times. I believe it is worth it, there is freedom that comes from not overthinking things. You learn to trade expectations for gratitude. What ifs change from a negative thought to a positive thought. The energy you once used spinning in your own mind is replaced by peace, you breathe easier, and you feel lighter.
I have ruminated on this post for quite some time. I have often been told I was brave, but I have never, ever viewed myself as brave. So my question is, what do you consider brave?
Miriam Webster defines bravery as the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty: the quality or state of being brave: COURAGE.
I feel guilty saying this (and I pray I don’t jinx myself), but my life right now, at this moment, is easier than it has ever been. That is not an exaggeration, it is a blessing from God. I have a nice place to live, a dependable car, a job I love, people who care about me, food on my table, and clean clothes. I am so thankful for all I have been blessed with, I am awed by it.
My life has not been an easy one, but with every trial, there is a testimony. I believe in the power of testimony, I believe my truths help others so they don’t have the same struggles I’ve had. I believe shared wisdom is shared wealth. Not a monetary wealth that can be gone in an instant but a wealth of spirit that money can’t provide.
I’ve never been monetarily wealthy, but I’ve walked along the French Rivera and through the streets of Rome and Barcelona. I’m not famous, but I’ve been on television. I’m not an author, but you are reading my work. I’m not lonely, but in the quiet times, I’m alone.
Just because you don’t have doesn’t mean you will never get. God places things in our path, people, opportunities, experiences, etc. for a reason or a season. If I choose to ignore the possibilities of what’s in front of me because of what is behind me, I stay rooted in fear. So then, am I brave for moving forward?
I wrote a poem about bravery for a local poetry night and I really struggled with sharing it. I felt as if I was opening a door screaming, “Poor me, look what I’ve been through.” That’s not it at all, it’s just me showing my scars and battle wounds, saying, “See, I’ve healed, you can, too.” The scars remind us where we’ve been, and are a testimony to our resilience, but they shouldn’t hold us back, so here’s me showing my scars.
Being Brave
Bravery is not What I see in me, you see
I was told I was brave When I was adopted at 4
I was told I was brave for starting in a new school in a new town
I was told I was brave telling an adult what happened
I was told I was brave running away from it happening again
I was told I was brave standing up for myself
I was told I was brave standing in front of a judge
I was told I was brave for art school instead of college
I was told I was brave leaving a hospital a widow at 19
I was told I was brave moving where no one knew me
I was told I was brave leaving abusive relationships again, again, and again
I was told I was brave transferring jobs
I was told I was brave marrying again
I was told I was brave leaving everything behind
I was told I was brave seeking help
I was told I was brave going to therapy and sharing
I was told I was brave marrying into the military
I was told I was brave traveling alone to a strange country
I was told I was brave teaching a class
I was told I was brave volunteering my time
I was told I was brave changing careers
I was told I was brave writing
I was told I was brave acting
I was told I was brave leaving another hospital a widow at 55
I was told I was brave handling it all with grace
I was told I was brave dating again
I was told I was brave standing on this stage
I was told I was brave with purple hair
I was told I was brave showing my scars
I was told I was brave for so many things
I was told I was brave Surviving
I was told I was brave but I'm not
I was told I was brave
Sometimes being brave is just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Everyone has troubled times. There is nothing special about me, other than I am a child of God, created to share love and be loved. What else do I need? Life is good. Be brave.
On a Roll with Charmin 