Tag: Charmin

The Real-Real

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, Faith, LoveLeave a comment

I try to be real. I want others to be real with me. One thing I have found is most men on dating apps say they want honesty, but they really don’t.

I have been ghosted so many times for answering a question straight on. It seems the real-real truth scares the hell out of guys and they run. They don’t care to go deeper than the surface level with a conversation. Or, they don’t know how to process what I’ve said. Or, they get defensive and want to argue with me about my truth. That last one never ends well.

Very rarely, does anyone on a dating app appreciate me for my straightforward honesty. Maybe it is just my delightful blend of truth and sarcasm, or maybe I am just too blunt. Whatever it is, men do not take me at my word, and I find that a little sad.

I am very upfront. I am who I am, and I’m not changing that to accommodate someone else. Accept me or don’t, I’m ok with that.

I try very hard just to be straight with people. I have always been that person who if you ask me for an honest opinion, I will respectfully give you mine. You do not have to agree with me, it’s called an opinion for a reason. I am a grown-up and I can agree to disagree. Honestly, I think we need more of that in the world.

That said, I will never be in a relationship where I am not free to say what’s on my mind. Nor will l walk on eggshells to save someone’s ego. Walking on eggshells always causes someone to end up broken. I am not saying any of this with malice. On the contrary, I am saying this with all the respect I have.

By the same token, I don’t want to be in a relationship where someone can’t respectfully speak their mind with me. I don’t want anyone walking on eggshells around me, either. I’m not fragile nor does my ego need to be stroked.

Someone recently asked me what a woman really wants to hear. At this stage in my life, my answer is honesty. I want to know the truth, don’t sugar coat it, take out the guesswork, leave the mixed signals behind, and just be straight. Let’s have a conversation and take it from there.

I’ll tell you the truth, you do the same. It is so simple, so why does it seem impossible?

People worry about hurting feelings or saying the wrong thing. I would rather someone be respectfully honest with me than deceitfully lie to me.

If you have my trust, I am a no-secrets kind of girl. I believe the best relationships happen when both parties have equal footing. You get and you give in equal amounts. You uplift and strengthen each other. Life becomes better, richer, and more beautiful when you are allies traveling in the same direction and walking alongside each other. Your existence complements mine and vice versa.

I am coming to realize, just how blessed I have been in this life, and I am thankful. It seems this type of relationship is not as common as I thought. That breaks my heart.

I’ve survived terrible relationships and I’ve been blessed with wonderful relationships. Both types have taught me so much. I have friends I have had since childhood. Friends who I cherish, and who cherish me. I like to think the reason for that is they find me genuine, true, and loving.

I have always felt the best way to start any relationship is, to be honest. If at any time you don’t want to be around me, or I don’t want to be around you, let’s have an adult conversation and respectfully part friends. No need for drama or bashing. Let’s be adults. If, after the conversation, you can’t be an adult, wish me well, and walk away, then that’s a problem.

When things go south, pay attention. I learned the hard way. Communicate when things aren’t working for you. The sooner you communicate, the better off you are. Don’t let things fester like an old wound. Talk respectfully and honestly. Listen just as much as you talk. Make sure you are on equal footing. How do they respond to you? Do they listen and treat your thoughts and words with respect? Or, do they try to make you think you don’t know your own mind or aren’t aware of your own feelings? If that’s the case, it may be gaslighting and that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

There are catalyst moments in one’s life that change its trajectory. Counseling was one of those moments for me. Years ago, I went through counseling and the lessons I learned about myself forever changed me. I believe couples counseling works if both people put in the work. However, there are some things that can’t be saved. My marriage still fell apart, but not because I didn’t put in the work. It fell apart because the person I married was not the person I needed. There was no equal footing, no common ground, no respect, and somewhere along the way I realized, no real love. The counseling I underwent saved my life.

People, there is nothing wrong with standing up for what you need or what you believe in. If you don’t feel right about something, you need to listen to that little inner voice. At no point should you ever, EVER, feel forced to stay in a relationship you feel isn’t healthy for you. Don’t let someone guilt you into a relationship or gaslight you into thinking the problem is you when you feel it’s them.

The hope is always that things can be worked out with communication, and sometimes counseling is needed. However, sometimes that is just not possible, in those instances, it is best to cut ties. If cutting ties seems impossible or puts you in danger, tread carefully. If you are in a domestic abuse situation, please get somewhere safe and call the domestic abuse hotline, at 800-799-7233.

Know your worth. You are wonderfully made. My faith carried me through some very dark times, one verse that helped me was 1 Corinthians 3:16-17.

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy that person; for God’s temple is sacred, and you together are that temple.”

That verse gave me more peace when I was scared than anything, anyone ever said to me.

So my sweet people, go against the grain, be the real-real. Surround yourself with people who appreciate your honesty and let them be the real-real in return.

It is my prayer that you have someone you can be real-real with and can embrace a happy, bright life full of love.

Quietly Vulnerable

On By charminfothIn Uncategorized2 Comments

Why is it considered brave to weather the storm without breaking down? Countless times since my husband passed away I have been called brave. I don’t understand this concept, it is not as if I had a choice, I just had to move forward. For me, it isn’t bravery, it is a necessity, putting one foot in front of the other.

Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

I have struggled with writing this post for the past two and a half years. A friend recently told me not to worry about what others will think, just write it. So here I am, being quietly vulnerable. This isn’t going to be a fun post for me, but maybe once it is out of my brain, I can move on.

I am a very animated and outgoing person, I am not a person prone to drama in my everyday life. I much prefer positivity rather than negativity, and laughter rather than tears. I am empathetic and can easily cry and pray with and for friends. I am happy to help others bear their burdens. Why do I find it so hard to cry and pray for myself? Why do I feel that if I cry or ask God for a personal need, I am weak? I find it hard to be vulnerable, to let my guard down. I find it nearly impossible to cry cleansing tears for myself and my grief in the presence of others.

Andy passed away during COVID from a stroke. Because of the restrictions, it was a time when people could not grieve alongside me. There was limited personal or physical contact with others. His memorial was done over Zoom and is now on Youtube. I sat in my dining room alone and listened to people share memories. It was beautiful, but I was isolated. His funeral happened a year and a half later. It was a small private event and is also on YouTube. People from across the globe attended in real-time and it was beautiful, but still, I was isolated.

I had friends who cared for me and prayed for me, but the thing I longed for was someone to just hold me while I cried. Not just anyone, I wanted strong male arms to hold me and give me comfort. That is something I have longed for my whole life. Not having a father figure in my life brought that wound to the forefront. It wasn’t until times of despair I realized how much I needed a strong male in my life. That doesn’t mean being physically strong. While that is nice, I need them to have a backbone. For me, it means emotionally strong, spiritually strong, and mentally strong. Someone I can respect and who has the ability to open up and be vulnerable alongside me.

That is so hard for me to admit. I have long been the independent, strong-willed, get-things-done woman. Admitting that I need someone feels like an impossible task. The first time someone hugged me after the pandemic subsided I thought I would shatter and break down. I felt it bubbling up inside me and I cut it off. I locked my emotions down tight. I couldn’t be that vulnerable with another person.

Most strong women cry in the shower, did you know that? Rather than appear weak, we isolate ourselves and cry while we are alone and no one sees it. Or we scream into pillows. Doing whatever we have to do in order to remain smooth on the surface.

I remember when the planes hit the towers on 911, I just knew Andy was going to the desert again. Deployment was imminent. I just had stitches removed after major surgery and was finally allowed to shower. I made my excuses and slipped away, turned the water on hot, and stood there and cried until the water turned cold.

I did not want to burden anyone with my tears, my feelings, my anxieties about what may come. I could not bring myself to voice the worry I had, but I also could not show the weakness I felt at being powerless.

Being vulnerable is all about trust. I have trust issues. There it is. There have been very few people in my life with whom I have had a level of trust to show my vulnerability. I realized the struggle I was bumping up against was my own fear of being vulnerable. Miriam-Webster defines vulnerability as being capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or open to attack or damage.

Who wants to risk it? Why would I put myself in a space like that? I learned a long time ago that if I put everything out there, then no one could use it against me. If I learned to laugh at myself, others’ laughter wouldn’t bother me. So, I tend to be very open and honest about things and tend to go through life with a sense of humor. However, there is a part of me that will remain closed off until someone shows me they can be trusted.

I’m pretty positive that it’s why I’m afraid to date anyone. So therein lies the problem, life has become a Catch-22. A problem for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule (per Wikipedia).

I have been slowly making my way out of my comfort zone, being vulnerable. I know what I need, and I know what I don’t need, it’s still a learning process in this journey of self-discovery. So the challenge to myself is to take cautious steps forward and to keep taking them even when I want to retreat.

This is hard. But really, it’s just me being vulnerable.

Afraid of the Heart

On By charminfothIn Faith, PoetryLeave a comment
Heart in the sand on the beach
Photo by Ave Calvar Martinez on Pexels.com
Where are you
coming from
Where are you 
going

Lost in the shuffle
Feeling alone 
In the bustle
Listening, waiting
For the tussle

You don’t know
When the trouble
Will come
When it does 
It will be double

That’s always been
Your pattern
Your past
So you guard 
Your heart 
Thinking love
Will never last

You sit quietly alone
Content to chew on memories
Like a dog with a bone

Afraid to let go
And fall
For fear of hitting the wall
Fearing the chance
Not willing to dance

Empty is what you know
Your heart could be full
If you only let go

But you are afraid of the heart
Never wanting to be torn apart
Again
But if not now,
When

So you exist in the blues
Not sad, but true
Waiting for something sweet
just beyond your reach

You're thinking
Is it worth the fire
To forge the steel
Why try for something real

I understand how you feel
Me too, I am just like you
Can I open my heart 
and begin to feel

The heart is strong
Beating on as if nothing is wrong
Fear is the beast
That makes us weak
Waiting to tear us apart
It was never the heart

How do I lose the fear
Of the heart
I trust it to someone
Who created it to be strong
He's been with me all along

My prayer for you,
Is that you know Him too.

I Did a Thing…

On By charminfothIn PoetryLeave a comment

The Knoxville Poetry Slam is a fun, welcoming environment for poets and lovers of poetry to gather and support each other.

I have been attending the monthly gatherings at Central Cinema for about six months. I have friends who write and like me love the written word, so I have encouraged them to come out and participate. Their bravery in sharing their work and the supportive folks who attend the poetry readings inspired me to share my work. I have never considered myself a writer or a poet, yet I am always writing.

Writing is how I process, it brings memories to life and it gives me a creative outlet for my thoughts when other mediums are not available to me. Before braving the stage’s bright lights, I tested out a few of my written pieces on my co-workers who encouraged me to sign up at the poetry slam and read. I was both nervous and excited. I think the pieces I chose came across well, so I will share them with you and also the video from the night’s performance. I did mess up a bit but I think it still flowed ok. I am proud of myself for stepping out and doing something out of my comfort zone.

https://youtu.be/YMQSx0Gj92o

My first piece was my introduction.

Who Am I

Hey, My name is Charmin
Yes, it is just like the tissue
Yeah, and if you really want to know
It has always been an issue

From the playground
Throughout my whole life
All around

People asking me 
Are you squeezable
Thinking it is so cute
To be teasable

When most of the time
I find it highly unreasonable

I learned to take it in stride
To stand out 
Not to hide

To be me
Fun, happy 
And free

I live my life 
by one rule
Don't do to me
What you wouldn't want
done to you

Be honest
Be true
I'll be me
And you, just be you

Treat me right, with quality time
And I can be teasable
And baby, if you've got me 
You better believe I'm squeezable

Treat me wrong, 
And I'll just say
So long

I have no time 
for drama, hate or discontent
Life is to precious
To waste a single moment

So find the good
and grab ahold
Life's an adventure
Let's be bold

Yes, my name is Charmin
Just like the tissue
But you know what
It's no longer an issue

The second piece I read was an introspective bit called All I See.
All I See

So I look at you
And all I see
Is the magnificence
Of what could be

Not as a we,
A you and a me
But as just you
Being truly you

I get the feel 
No one has ever
Let you be really REAL
Truly free

It's not too late
God didn't give 
You an exipration date

So say what you need 
No matter the time of day
You don't have to bleed
From what's been cut away

It is time to be the true
and unfiltered you
Time to shine
Just lay it all on the line

No apologies, or I'm sorry
No regrets, no worries
Pull yourself off the shelf
It's time to show your true self

No judgment awaits
I am a safe space
I long for you to be free
From your chains you have grace

My only hope is
That I am around to see
The magnificence of what
I know YOU will be.

If you are interested in attending or reading at the Knoxville Poetry Slam you can find them on Facebook here.

Thanks for hanging out with me today.

Building Bridges

On By charminfothIn Christian Community Development, encouragement, Faith, Love, Neighboring2 Comments

Sharing your story can be one of the most powerful tools to cross the divide that seems too vast to navigate. It builds a bridge that crosses the divide and encourages reconciliation. I believe it is the building block of any good relationship. Be intentional. Listen. Treat people with love and respect. I love to hear other people’s stories. I need that in my life. When we share our stories and find commonality we lay that cornerstone for true connection.

So how does my story build a bridge? I think by being vulnerable and sharing you help others. Someone who needs to know they are not alone, someone who needs to know you can overcome. It will resonate with some and not with others. The people it strikes a chord with may have a similar story, or they may have empathy or are just curious about who I am now. I think the Divine Master puts it before the people who need it and those that don’t scroll on by, and that’s ok. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, you can’t take yourself too seriously.

So here’s a glimpse of my story, I hope it resonates with someone out there.

My younger years were pretty tough, by the time I graduated high school, I had moved 16 times. I lived in a town with no diversity from the time I was 7 until I was 17, I am the illegitimate daughter of a divorcee. I was born in the 1960s before divorce was as common. Coupled with my family issues, my childhood was unstable at best. At times I was considered too good for my raisin’ and other times I was white trash who came from the trailer park. I had a sprinkling of middle class, depending on who I was living with at the time, but those experiences were short-lived. I didn’t have a lot of stability.

Moving all the time as a kid prepared me for life with a military man. My husband served 15 years in the Army. Military life exposed me to a diverse community. The inclusion in the neighborhoods I lived in was beautiful. When spouses deploy, you band together to help each other. Struggle tends to bring people together.

When my husband separated from the Army, we moved to Knoxville. It is now the place I have lived the longest in my entire life. I have been here 21 years. I love it here. When we first moved here I intentionally looked for a community that was diverse. I struggled. I was disheartened. It is said that 11am Sunday is the most segregated time in America. I believe that.

When we moved to our little country house in east Knox County, we visited a black church just down the road, they were so open and welcoming. They showed us so much love. We were “fostered” by a family that now almost 20 years later, still loves me. They have been with me through the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking. There are only a chosen few from my own family that have done that.

Sitting across the kitchen table every Sunday with our newly found “foster family” we shared our stories, who we are, we talked about life, religion, fears, hopes, and dreams. We found we weren’t so different at all.

I found out that poor white food is the same as soul food. I think soul food is a great description of the relationship-building that happens around a kitchen table. It fills your soul in so many ways. Sharing a meal creates a bond. One of the greatest gifts I ever received was when Mama Lee gave me her recipe for mac and cheese. That’s an honor ya’ll. It’s family.

Daddy Lee before he passed away would take my skinny, very white late husband to other churches and introduce him as his son. Both he and my late husband got such a kick out of it. As someone who didn’t have a good family life, this space became sacred. It filled a need that we didn’t even know we had. At Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, weddings, and sadly funerals we were always included. They know our story, we know theirs. We built a bridge together in our community. It is a beautiful thing. Even today, I try to spend some quality Sunday time with this family that loves me, even though I am not their blood.

I struggle with the modern church right now, too often I see them building barriers rather than building bridges and it hurts my heart. The church isn’t the only place you can build a bridge. During COVID I think community-built bridges became overgrown and underused and need a little revitalizing. We all need to work on our bridge-building skills.

A study by Michigan State University found that living in isolation can be dangerous for individual health and maintaining diverse relationships is just as important, if not more, than having a large number of relationships. Specifically, we found that individuals with more diverse relationships had a lower risk of mortality and experienced less cognitive and physical decline. Socially isolated adults have a 29 percent higher risk of death compared to those not living alone.

So think about the people you know, do they all look just like you? Do you know people of other ethnicities, other cultures? Do you know people in varying age ranges? Do you know their story? Have you asked? Be observant, ask questions and apologize when you don’t understand something. Be respectful and loving. Be inviting, have lunch with someone new and just get to know them, be genuine, be intentional, and spend some time really listening. You will be amazed at how much you have in common.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ also has forgiven you, (Ephesians 4:31-32)