Music and Me

On December 19, 2023 By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith1 Comment

Music has always touched a place in my soul that most of the world can’t reach. It touches that part of me that I try to keep under lock and key, the parts I rarely let others see.

Music is the soothing of the savage beast and lifting of my spirit and setting it free. I am not musical in any sense of the word, yet I appreciate it in ways I feel in the core of my being. It seems strange to say but there have been times when the music was a lifeline. Music seemed to be the only thing that kept me grounded on this earth.

Depression is not something I talk about often, but at this time of year it can’t be ignored. This time of year is especially, is hard for me, as it is for many people. There are so many memories associated with the season.

For me, it is all of December, not only Christmas. Andy and I met in December, his birthday is in December one of my most cherished memories is the 2000 New Year’s Eve. So the loneliness hits harder, making me long for physical touch and true human connection more than ever. At the same time, I feel if someone truly held me close I’d crumple into a mess of carefully held together emotions that no one could bear to experience. I’m a walking oxymoron.

I was recently talking with a dear friend about depression and its demonic grip on the soul. That conversation had me looking at my life without the rose colored glasses we tend to see our past through. I have had some very dark seasons in my life, seasons that left me broken and at the time I thought shattered beyond repair.

I don’t lean on medication when my depression hits, I lean on music, friends, therapy and most of all God. I’m not saying don’t take meds, I’m just saying that’s not my path. Everyone has to find what works for them. If you are experiencing darkness at this time of year, you are not alone. Talk with someone you trust, find a counselor. If the feelings become overwhelming dial or text 988 for the suicide hotline.

I realized that the times when my life seemed the darkest, the hardest to bear, the most lonely were the season of my life where the music had disappeared and went unheard. I believe the God touches our soul with tinkling bells and tender notes that speak to our entire mind with a healing in a way nothing else does. The music you love moves you.

Studies have shown that music lowers stress. People who listen to positive upbeat music manage their emotions better and recover from stress faster. There have also been studies showing it improves memory function. One study even found that music can help manage pain.

According to ucf.edu/pegasus/your-brain-on-music/ music can change your ability to perceive time, reduce seizures, make you a better communicator, make you stronger, boost your immune system, assist in repairing brain damage, make you smarter, evoke memories and more. Music can release dopamine and give you a euphoric feeling better than drugs. The benefits of music goes on and on.

Not so long ago, I was going through the motions of what I thought people expected of me. Blinded by the past and paralyzed by the thought of a future alone, unable to be in the present moment. Inside I felt alone and dark, there was no light, just blackness.

I heard a guitar from across the way and it was as if the music flipped a switch inside my soul. In an instant there was light, and I remembered who I am. Now, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I’ve done a lot of work on me. The music gave me the boost I needed to break through the fog and it encourages me every day.

I’m still working on just being in the present. I am learning how to live each day as it comes and I am thankful, so very thankful for the music.

There is a Bonnie Raitt tune, “Just Like That” and it has a verse that immediately hit home with me.

I spent so long in darkness
Never thought the night would end
But somehow grace has found me
And I had to let him in.

Dear reader, just know it is ok to hurt, it is ok to feel all the feelings, you are never alone. We all hurt and while everything may look great on the surface, other people are hurting too, so be kind.

Love and peace to you.

Seasons and Sign Posts

On November 30, 2023November 30, 2023 By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Love, PersonalityLeave a comment

Have you ever felt like you were standing at a crossroads and unsure which road to take? Have you noticed signs along the way? Much like trying to see a street sign in a snowstorm, I can’t see the direction in my life in this season. I’m standing still looking at the crossroad, scratching my head.

Seasons of change are sometimes difficult, but that’s where the growth happens. I have survived so many seasons of trouble in my life, and most have changed me in one way or another. Even the heartbreaking times have made me a better person. It seems strange to say, but I am thankful for all of it, the heartbreak included.

Of course, it is hard to see the growth as you go through the pain, but the seed has to break before it can grow. This mindset isn’t one I’ve always had. I think wisdom comes with maturity, but only if you are willing to learn from your experiences and not repeat them. Does that make the experiences any less trying? No. What makes the difference is how you manage yourself during the trying time. I think it comes down to attitude, I feel I have come through unbelievable struggle with joy and a positive attitude. I like to think that has made my burdens easier to bear.

I have always thought of joy as something that comes from God. Happiness is on your face, but joy is in your heart and shows in your eyes. Joy can exist alongside other emotions. It is the ability to be at peace amid struggle. I am blessed to have that peace no matter what the future might hold. That does not mean that I don’t occasionally have anxiety and worry too much. I do. Those are the times when my joy coexists with other warring emotions.

This season of my life is one of rediscovery and exploration. I feel at ease with who I am, and what I want. I love the person I am, and even though I am far from perfect, I have come to embrace my imperfections. There is a blessing in loving ourselves for who we are, and where we are, and striving to be the person God would have us to be. You can’t truly love someone else unless you love yourself.

I have found that it is ok if I don’t please everyone, or fit into the box of what others think I should be. I am uniquely me and I appreciate people who recognize that and let me be me. By the same token, I appreciate people who are their authentic selves. A true relationship happens when you accept someone as they are without trying to conform them to the idea you have of them. People who do that; lift and encourage you when you need it most. They are the people who are unconditionally in your corner. Those are the people who give me energy and bring me joy and I have been very blessed to have that in my life.

I know I can be difficult at times, I own that. I am a contradiction in terms at best, both sweet and spicy at times, but I strive for honesty always. My beliefs are strong, but I don’t push my views on others. I believe in leading by example and caring for those around me. I believe energy is exchanged between people, so I tend to avoid negative people because I don’t want to become negative myself.

I delight in simple pleasures, music, flowers, sunsets, walks in the park, and meals shared with friends. Money doesn’t impress me, what impresses me is how someone treats others. I think a clear sign of a bad person is how they treat the people who serve them.

I believe that communication is the key that unlocks every door. However, some doors are locked for a reason, and some doors are nailed shut, those are not the doors for me. Just because a door is there, it’s your choice to walk through it. There are answers to questions that offer direction. It is up to you the direction you go with the information that is presented to you.

I tend to be a straightforward communicator and I long for that type of communication in return. I like things laid out in simple, straightforward terms. I don’t do drama or play mind games. Tell me what your expectations are if it is in my wheelhouse to meet those expectations, I’ll let you know. It seems simple. Yet, somehow it never is.

Not everyone knows how to communicate in those terms. Some people have never had that luxury (and I do think it is a luxury to be able to communicate exactly what you think to someone and be your unfiltered self). I know direct communication can feel like confrontation and some people aren’t comfortable with that feeling of confrontation. Some people fear being judged for what they think, so they won’t communicate what they need. There are so many facets to good communication.

I think that’s why it’s hard to see the signposts for what could be next. There aren’t a lot of people who are willing to communicate on the level I need. I prefer my GPS to give me directions before I make the turn because sometimes I doubt myself. The street signs can be nonexistent and the signals can be hard to read.

Face it, people can be confusing. In a world of ever-changing social cues, it is hard to navigate what people want and what they expect. I have long believed that unexpressed expectations are the downfall of any kind of relationship, yet it seems that everyone expects something. You can not control what others expect of you. If they can’t communicate those expectations, that’s on them.

If you are struggling like me, the only advice I can give is to aim to be the best communicator you can be. Be honest about your boundaries, and where you stand. Ask questions when you doubt, be truthful, and let people’s expectations fall where they may.

While I don’t know what my future holds, I know who holds my future.
In the meantime, I’ll take my wisdom in the form of a song. A Better Man by my favorite blues man, Keb’ Mo’, says this:

Maybe I'm not supposed to know

Maybe I'm supposed to cry

And if nobody ever knows the way I feel

That's all right, that's okay

Yeah, I'm gonna make my world a better place

I'm gonna keep that smile on my face

I'm gonna teach myself how to understand

I'm gonna make myself a better (wo)man

As for the signposts along the way, I’ll keep my eyes and heart open and see what happens. If you need me, I’ll be standing at the crossroads, waiting, it’s alright, it’s ok.

Thanks for reading.

Ghosts of the Past

On October 12, 2023October 12, 2023 By charminfothIn encouragement, Love, PoetryLeave a comment

A poem by Charmin Foth

Video – the trial run of the poem before heading to the poetry slam.

Ghosts of the Past (updated as it was spoken at the Knoxville Poetry Slam on 10-11-23

Viciously propelled back

Time stands dead still

I feel attacked

Is this ghost of you from my past real?

Seeing you through the eyes of the girl I once was

My heart shatters the ceiling

Electric Shock

My brain is abuzz

My world rocked

I’m Physically reeling

My Venom and butterflies

These feelings coincide

Mercury running through my veins

It all seems so ill-advised

A dreadful pull and a violent push

A rush

An obliterated crush

A Terror and Triumph

Yet a gut punch with an audible oomph

I try to contain

My spinning brain

How

After so many years

Why now

I was thankful you were in my rearview

Yet there you are, this is too bizarre

Here stands the ghost of you

Alongside the real me

Remembering the ghost of you

Hit by a tree

Pleading on bended knee

The good, the bad

The black and the blue

The danger of you

The stranger

I became to myself

My tortured mental health

All the heart-wrenching pain

The exhausted drain

All the tries

All the lies

Calling the law

The last straw

The hard-fought healing

The struggle for growth

The inevitable rebirth

Into the person I am now

The ghost of me is long gone

On the horizon is a new brilliant dawn

A stronger woman fills the space

and Leaves behind the hate

Never traveling backwards

Always pressing forward

The struggle that nearly killed me built my character

My tale of woe becomes an encourager

Your ghost has been exorcized

And is finally gone

Step into the warm sunshine of a new dawn

Perfection Is An Illusion

On September 25, 2023September 25, 2023 By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Love, NeighboringLeave a comment

When you think of perfection, what does your mind’s eye conjure up?

Models, movie stars, mean girls, men climbing the corporate ladder, I could go on and on. Or maybe it’s the negative side of self-talk you feed yourself. I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, tall enough, dark enough, light enough, whatever you tell yourself when you feel you don’t measure up.

As women, we tend to compare ourselves to whoever is trending, what Hollywood look is in, or sometimes just who is prevalent in our own circles of connection. Men wrestle with self-esteem issues, too.

I think we do ourselves a disservice when we compare ourselves to others. The judgment we pile onto ourselves and others because they don’t look or think a certain way weighs us down in ways we aren’t even aware of. I see people spew hate and discontent because they aren’t happy with themselves. Those people in turn feel the need to make others feel as discontented as they are. They long for people to see the world through the same scarred lenses they do.

There is a story in the Bible where Saul becomes Paul. Specifically where the scales fall from his eyes and he can see again. He is a changed man, a new man. He no longer looks at the world in the same way. Acts 9:18 “Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again.”

I think we all have times in our lives when the scales have to be removed from our eyes and we can see life differently, we become forever changed. Saul was a terrible person, he did horrific things, but God changed him and used him in ways he could never imagine.

Oftentimes we trudge along through life seeing only one way. We judge how our lives could have been or should have been because we were told it should be this or that. Maybe we compare it to what we see our neighbors have. We struggle to make ours just like theirs because it looks perfect to us. However, we only see one side of things. What happens on the other side may be a whole different picture. It isn’t until something upsets the view that we come away seeing things differently.

We have to stop looking for perfection and realize we are all God’s handiwork. The stitching may appear haphazard, but when you flip the tapestry over, it’s beautiful, it’s what God sees as perfect. Our eyes do not see things the same way.

When I was much younger I felt so detached from everything, my family life was estranged, my self-esteem was nonexistent, and I believed I deserved every bad thing that came my way. And believe me a lot of bad came my way. I put myself directly in the middle of the wrong path, thinking I could never be anything else. I thought I was damaged beyond repair. I could never obtain anything close to perfection.

Then someone told me God doesn’t make junk, but people do. We make piles and piles of junk every day with the criticism and pain we heap upon each other and ourselves as we strive for perfection that doesn’t exist. Perfection is only an illusion created by a comparison we create.

Imagine how boring the world would be if we were all alike. I want to be the brightly colored thread in the tapestry I referenced earlier. On the underside, I am knotted and pieced together, but on the upper side, I am the strand that helps pull it all together and enriches all of the strands that surround me.

You can’t make a beautiful tapestry with one thread of the same color and thickness, it takes many strands all woven together to make it beautiful. We all have our own unique talents and gifts to bring to the party of life. Don’t compare your gifts or your story to another, you were put in place to come alongside someone who needs your gifts and your story as much as you need to share it. It is by sharing we make each other beautiful and perfect in God’s eyes.

How do we stop striving to be something we aren’t? Or stop emulating someone’s shallow persona? How do we learn to just be who we are?

I believe we are here to show kindness and love, to come alongside each other, and to help each other get through every day as it comes. I know this sounds utopian, and you don’t have to share my beliefs or even agree with me, but I hope you pull something positive from this.

Trust me I am far from perfect. I just know for me, when I stopped searching for perfection, I found myself. And, even with all my imperfections, I like who I am. I actually think all my imperfections make me a little more interesting. There is good and bad in everyone, I pray every day, that my good outweighs my bad.

Be blessed, gentle reader.

Laugh

On September 10, 2023September 10, 2023 By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Humor, Personality, PoetryLeave a comment

The things I know about my birth father’s personality I can count on one hand. 1. His birthday was April 15 so, he was an Aries. 2. He was the life of the party. 3. When he smiled, he lit up a room. 4. He could laugh at himself. 5. He loved women (probably too much, it’s what caused his death, but that’s a story for another day).

I like to think that I got my love of life and people from my father. I enjoy being the first one at an event and the last one to leave. I am just as happy to help set up the party or the cleanup afterward. As long as everyone is having a good time, I’m in my happy place.

I’ve been told my father was the first to laugh at himself. I think I’m a lot like that. My mother said my father’s philosophy was a line from a poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox’s poem “Solitude”. The line is…Laugh and the world laughs with you. If you haven’t read her writing, I encourage you to do so. I love her poetry. The poem itself is a testament that when life is good people want to share in your happiness but when times get tough, you are left to bear your burdens alone. So, the lesson I took from this is to find the joy in all things, it is better to laugh.

Life is too short, and too precious to be unhappy. I’m not saying I don’t have bad days, I do. I just don’t dwell on them and I look for the lessons that usually come from those days. I see so many people struggling, hurting, and sad or angry at where they are or what has happened to them. This life is oftentimes harder than we can imagine but there is beauty here as well.

At this stage in my life, much of the beauty that surrounds me is in the friends I have, those who love me just as I am. They laugh with me and that makes my life richer for the experience. Laughter is good for the soul. I also think it is healing, through all of the troubles and trials of life, laughter has healed my broken pieces.

Laughter is the spark that starts most relationships and I think it is what sustains relationships. There is no better feeling than being able to share laughter with someone you care about. Those moments are so special.

I also use laughter as a coping mechanism. I’m often socially awkward, or clumsy. Rather than feeling uncomfortable, those moments make me giggle inside or laugh out loud, depending on what occurred. Of course, most people don’t realize when I’m internally laughing at myself, but when it happens it helps me shake it off moment and move forward.

I recently heard a talk about anxiety. When you feel anxious and you feel your mind begins to overthink and spin out, catch yourself and take a moment to just breathe, and instead of telling yourself why everything will go wrong, ask yourself, “What if everything goes right?” Take your negative and shine a positive light on it.

Do you use humor or laughter to cope? What makes you laugh? Can you move past the pain of life into joy?

There is a simple joy in just being. Many people don’t truly grasp the concept of living one day at a time, let alone one moment at a time. When you slow everything down to a moment in time, knowing that at this moment it is all it can be. It can’t be redone. It is here and it is gone. So let me be joyful in this moment, with this situation, with me as I am, right now. Then as this moment expands to the next moment let me carry it forward.

I pray you find joy in the hard moments and peace in the years.