Tag: Charmin

Players and Prayers

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, Faith, LoveLeave a comment
Couple dancing in the park

I am blessed to work for an organization that values quiet times of reflection. Twice a year, our whole staff comes together for a day of quiet reflection and prayer. We gather beside the lake and everyone finds their own quiet place to spend time with God. We have a whole day to meditate on whatever is on our hearts and minds. Last week, we had one of those sweet days of reflection. What did I reflect on? My calling, my purpose, single life, and dating.

I try to be honest with myself and with my readers. So this post is me processing and sharing my own vulnerability.

Not long ago, I was played by a man who said all the right things. I have had a few similar encounters over the years like this. At this stage in the game, I thought I was old enough to know better. This guy was SMOOTH. He acted as if he genuinely cared about me. We seemed to be on the same page about so many things. We both loved music, enjoyed dancing, and appreciated good food. Conversation flowed easily. Things seemed to click. About 3 weeks in, I invite him to the house to grill steaks after work. We got the steaks on the grill. We were sitting on my back patio just talking about the day. The sun was shining, the steaks were beginning to sizzle on the grill.

A knock on the front door changed EVERYTHING in an instant. His girlfriend was at my door and asked if he was there. I did not see that one coming. I was shell-shocked by that bomb. It was obvious he was, his car is in my driveway. I opened the door wide and let him step outside.

Needless to say, that relationship ended REAL QUICK. I spent the rest of the week digging into what had just happened. I found out SO MANY THINGS. He did this A LOT. He kept SEVERAL women on a string. He lied about so many things. He was the textbook definition of a player.

The enemy came at me hard with so many things. I felt like an absolute fool for being so taken in by this person. My trust in men was shaken. I began to doubt everything. I am my own worst enemy, and the voices in my head went to work. I told myself that at 60, I should have known better! I am too old to be playing these games with these jokers. Should I even care about dating at my age? Who would want me anyway? Why do I put myself through this? Who am I to think I have anything to offer a person? So many negative things beat me down. My self-esteem left the building. Dating is hard enough without having some player messing with your heart and mind.

I had to tell the enemy to get out of my head. I had to pray. I had to forgive myself. I had to evaluate. I had to take a hard look at what I was doing and ask myself some hard questions. I also had to apologize to some people who tried to warn me.

Since this sad little dating lesson, I’ve been working on redirecting my focus to what God has for me. You see, I realized several things. I had been focusing too much on what I wanted. I had taken my eyes off of what God wanted for me. I forgot that I was a daughter of the most high King and that I am treasured. My value is not based on appearance, status, what I do, what I have, who I’m with…It is based on who I am in God and what God believes of me. That was a powerful revelation.

Psalm 139 says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God created my heart, my mind, and my soul for Him. Proverbs 31 says I am clothed in strength and dignity and will laugh at the days to come. 1 Peter 3 says my beauty comes from within…the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. Isiah 43 says I am precious and honored in His sight because He loves me.

If God can believe all these things about me, who am I to discount that truth? His truth overrides my truth every time. I am crying as I write this because I believed none of this about myself. NONE OF IT. I was so out of line with what God believes of me. I needed a wake-up call. And I got it, a rude awakening that shook me to my core.

I have walked through some fires of life and survived some very brutal things. But dating in this day and age is the devil’s playground, y’all.

In the past, I’ve struggled with praying for myself. I had to get over that. I’m telling you friends, if you are going to date in this day and age, you’d better pray yourself up. Ask Him to prepare your heart for what’s to come, to give you strength, perseverance, guidance. Then pay attention and don’t get lost in pretty words and promises. Ask for discernment and then use it. Ask for alignment and see what measures up.

Does the person measure up to 1 Corinthians 13? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

At first, I felt silly asking God for what I wanted in a man. It felt like I was ordering one from Amazon. I realized rather than praying for a man, I needed to pray about MY spirit. Pray and search out who I want to be for someone. I know in my being that I am here to be a helpmate to someone. I am here to make someone’s life better, to enhance our golden years. To be someone’s best friend. I have so much love to give and the experience to know what really matters in life. When you have been through the worst of it, you know how to celebrate the best of it, every day. God created me for such a purpose as this. I’m as sure of that as I am my name.

So my prayer is to keep my heart open to God’s leading and His guidance. I pray for me not to grow angry or bitter. I pray for me to truly let my light shine from within. I pray someone will see me as God sees me. But if they don’t, I’m ok with that too. I am still created by a loving God who values the beauty of the heart.

I realized dating makes me anxious. I don’t need to be anxious about anything. God has got me. He always has. I also realized I am blessed. I am happy. I have a fulfilling job that gives me purpose. I have a multitude of friends who truly care about me. I’ve experienced great loss, but I’ve also experienced great joy. I’ve navigated some very dark waters and lived to tell the tale. And I have some tales.

God gave me peace, peace with being alone, and peace with being myself, beauty from ashes. I don’t need to be anxious. He has something better in store for me, so I’ll go with what’s in His will and not my own.

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:6-7. “‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Lastly, I pray, believing God will give me what I need. I’ve learned so much through this experience. I pray this experience helps you, too. I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Modern Dating Lessons: Assurance Testing in Relationships

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, life coaching, Love, Personality, Uncategorized1 Comment

I’ve been single for 5 years now. I didn’t even start to date until 2 years after Andy’s unexpected death. Over the last three years, I have conducted an anthropological study of dating in the modern world, of sorts. I don’t recommend it. It has taught me so much. I’ve learned who I am being single, living for myself, I know what I want. Most importantly I know what I need from a person for them to be MY PERSON.

The truth is, I’m happy being me and being single. I like me. It hasn’t always been that way. My story is not an easy one to tell, and maybe someday, I’ll share. Those are definitely tales for another day. I’m a work in progress; there is always room for growth.

Would I like to be in a relationship? Absolutely! Am I willing to let it destroy my peace? NO!

I’ve come to value peace, time, and treasure the important things. Life can change in an instant. Many of the lessons I use as a litmus test in dating come from my best friend of 26 years. Having been married to my best friend is both a blessing and a curse now that I’m single. I know the things I could have done better. I know what a good relationship acts like, what it feels like. That makes my tolerance for BS much lower. It also makes me see how most relationships today are not friendly ones. That’s sad, because that’s what makes it truly worth it. I’m grateful for what I’ve had.

One of the best lessons I learned in life actually came from Andy’s career. You see, one of his many jobs in the military was an electronics technician. They were constantly testing equipment to find what had failed and what needed to be made right. In so many ways, he applied that technique to our marriage and to our lives.

I remember one day I was doing laundry, and the start button on the washer fell inside the control panel. Andy happened to hear my few choice words and came to see what the problem was. He said the washer wasn’t beyond repair. He opened the control panel and found the right circuit and the remains of the now-defunct button. He resoldered the circuit so the current would flow where it needed to go. He created a workaround for the broken button. This memory makes me laugh. We had to use a long pencil with a soft eraser on the end to reach the on/off circuit. It worked; he repaired what was broken. Then he followed up, time and time again, to make sure his fixes held in place.

He called it assurance testing. He wanted to make sure the problem didn’t get worse. Checking that it didn’t need something more, that it was good. Most importantly that it was able to do what it was designed to do. We used that washer for years after that fix. As a matter of fact, when I sold our little farm, I was going to get rid of the washer. The couple that bought the house kept it. I had to write the instructions on the top of the washer. The pencil fix worked, and they continued to use it. That made my heart happy.

I apply this Assurance Testing to my life every day, not just in dating. But it may be the reason I’ll be single for the foreseeable future. This philosophy makes me a better person. It’s not about dating, it’s about life and how I do life. Yes, I want someone to share my life, the keyword is SHARE. It’s not about leading or being led. It’s about being best friends and doing life WITH someone. Someone who is invested in the relationship will check in. They will want to know that I am good, to make sure things aren’t coming undone. They will want to know if I need something to get through the day. They will want to encourage me and see that I’m living life to the best of my abilities. That’s what they will get from me, so it’s reciprocal. It’s a mutuality that makes relationships work; things can’t be all one-sided.

Another thing I learned while living with an electronics tech is about dirty power and bad data. Dirty power refers to high-frequency noise, interference, or other distortions that contaminate the standard AC power waveform, essentially “polluting” the power supply. This electrical pollution can lead to potential equipment malfunction, reduced efficiency, and, in some cases, has been known to affect health. Bad data is just what it sounds like: bad information. You’ve probably heard the phrase, garbage in, garbage out. That’s bad data.

My point here is that there are too many distractions, too much noise, and interference in modern romantic relationships, and it pollutes and corrupts rather than giving strength. Pay attention to where you get your information from…think about what the person is telling you. What do they have at stake? Are they just looking for more followers? Do they really have your best interests at heart? Is it hearsay or truth? Not everything you hear is real, especially on social media and with the rise of AI. Bad data in equals bad outcomes.

Make decisions for yourself. Make informed decisions. Listen to your gut. Focus on what you are putting into the relationship. If you are not getting that reciprocated, it’s time to examine that relationship and put that Assurance Test to work. Take an honest look at what the problem is. Talk about it. Can it be fixed? What do WE need to do differently? How can we keep this from happening again? What needs to happen to make it work as it was intended? It isn’t a me or a you thing; it has to be a we thing. 

Relationships can’t exist if only one person is working on it. That’s not a relationship, that’s a delusion, an idea of what you think a relationship should be. You can’t date someone for who you want them to be. They have to have the substance of what you need first. Know your worth, love yourself. Toxic people can do so much damage to your heart, the longer you give them access to you. No relationship is worth stealing your peace.

I’ve been told that I’m comparing relationships to a ghost, that I’m too picky, and I’m whatever. The fact is, if a man doesn’t check in with me, if he doesn’t care about what’s going on in my life enough to ask, how can he expect me to care about his life? If we aren’t checking in with each other, he won’t be there when bad things happen, and I won’t know if bad things are happening with him. And bad things will happen; that’s just a matter of time, they always do. I don’t want an after-the-fact type of relationship.

We all need people who are willing to stand in the gaps WITH us. In order to HAVE that, I believe you have to BE that.

So yeah, maybe I am too picky, but I have this crazy idea that relationships are meant to be more. Your person needs to be the best part of your daily life support system, and you need to be theirs; otherwise, what’s the point?

Keep on testing, friends; I’m going to give it a rest for a while. There has to be something better out there. 

AI Music and Me

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Humor, Poetry, Social Media, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Hey there, it’s been more than a minute since I’ve posted, and I apologize for not being present. Sometimes life happens, and things get away from you. Sometimes you learn lessons and move on. I wanted to share something fun with you.

A while back, a long-time friend asked me to share a couple of my poems with her. She was playing with AI and wanted to see what she could do with it. I was amazed at the results. I gave her a copy of the first poem I read on stage, Just Like the Tissue. Check out the video below and let me know what you think.

I thought it was funky and cool.

Here’s the link to the original reading.

I’m learning, if there is something you want to try, be it poetry, learning a new skill, climbing mountains, or playing with AI, just do it. Life is too short for regrets. Enjoy the time you have.

Be blessed.

Wisdom on the Bathroom Wall

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, LoveLeave a comment

Earlier this week I ventured down Jackson Ave. in the Old City section of Knoxville, Tennessee for lunch. I enjoy the architecture, variety, and places that make Knoxville feel like home.

After lunch, I made my way to the loo, and while there, I noticed the writing on the stall door. It was one of those things that captured your attention. The funny thing about it is that days later, I’m still thinking about it.

The quote emblazoned on the stall was this, “The truth does not require your belief to be true, but a lie does!”

My mind has had that thought rattling around for days now. What does our belief stand on? Are you willing to search for its truth, not just blindly believe what the masses tell you to believe? Are there any free thinkers still in existence?

These questions puzzle me. It seems everyone is ready to jump on this bandwagon or another without examining the facts. The things that are put before us seem to be manufactured facts and not reality. I’m not sure the public even knows what reality looks like. The world appears to be manipulated by Photo-shopped images and soundbites.

I am usually a very optimistic person and I’m trying to remain so. I believe in amplified thought, our energy amplifies the thoughts we hold. If we hold negative thoughts, negativity becomes attracted to us. There is so much negativity in the world right now and it is amplified over and over again. If we continually focus on the negative, the negative is all we will ever see. I choose every day to look for the positive.

I try to make the best choices based on the information I have been able to verify. I strive to raise my awareness, I’m looking for the best-case scenario. I do know that growth happens in uncomfortable places. I think uncomfortable is on the horizon for us all. It is my hope that the growth that comes from it will be good for us all.

You are free to believe however you choose, I force my beliefs on no one. My hope is the God I believe in, a God of love, and peace. He is who will guide my steps. No matter what the future holds, I will continue to love my fellow humans on this earth, the ones like me, the ones not like me, and everyone in between.

I love the quote by Martin Luther King, Jr. that states Love is the answer to hate: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that”.

Let’s be the answer to hate, lies, and discontent. Let’s love people well.

The Dastardly Ds

On By charminfothIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Throughout my life, I have struggled with letters, numbers, lefts, and rights. I have both Dyslexia and Dyscalculia. Many people see it as a defect or a disability, often treating those who think and see things differently as less intelligent. I have learned to see it as a different way of thinking and seeing the world. I believe it is why I excelled at art, sewing, woodworking, and a variety of other things. Quite often, I tend to see patterns, angles, and spacing easier than letters and numbers.

The definitions for both of the Dastardly Ds according to the British Dyslexia Association, are below:

Dyslexia is a learning difficulty that primarily affects the skills involved in accurate and fluent word reading and spelling. Characteristic features of dyslexia are difficulties in phonological awareness, verbal memory, and verbal processing speed.

Dyscalculia is a specific and persistent difficulty in understanding numbers which can lead to a diverse range of difficulties with mathematics. It occurs across all ages and abilities.

I struggled as a student, I had to work twice as hard to compensate for something I couldn’t explain.

When learning to write, the letters p, q, d, and b were my absolute enemies. Learning numbers, I hated the numbers 6 and 9, 3 and 8. I remember being in 3rd grade and learning about time. When they asked me to draw a clock I drew it backwards, over and over again. I didn’t understand why they didn’t see it the same as me. It was 1973 in rural Kentucky, and my teachers, at the time, didn’t quite know how to help me. It wasn’t until I got a Goofy watch in high school (that ran backward) that I could tell you what time it was without making my head hurt.

I love literature. In 5th grade, my teacher read to us every day. I loved that time of the day. I easily got swept away in a story and it is why I love telling stories now.

But, I hated the time of the day when she made each of us read aloud. I often read lines backward, from the bottom of a paragraph to the top, or skip lines completely. I had to hand it to her, she was patient with me, even though it took me twice as long to read and comprehend as everyone else in the room. She let me work it out. My classmates were not as understanding. Still, through all that, I developed a love of the written word.

In high school, typing was a struggle and I barely passed the class. When computers took over the world, around 1986, I was determined to overcome my fear of the keyboard. The struggle was getting the written word into text on a screen. I found that typing from memory or audio was much easier for me. I didn’t have to think about what I was seeing, the muscle memory, knowing where the keys were did the work. The last time I took a keyboarding test, I typed around 80 words per minute without mistakes.

Because of the dyslexia, I developed terrible test anxiety. Because of the dyscalculia, I had a horrific time with math, and algebra was a nightmare. So, those scholastic tests would make me physically ill by the time they were over. Dyslexia also makes it hard to learn foreign languages, as both my high school French teacher and my bonus daughter in Germany can attest.

I found it interesting that I excelled in geometry, because of its visual nature. I did well with drafting and art because I could visualize space and understood color blending. I am mechanically inclined because I can see how things fit and work together.

As an adult, it took me a long time to be comfortable knowing I was different. I became a life-long learner, avid reader, and a bit of a techie nerd. To learn something I wanted to know I had to be ok with reading slower to comprehend, to absorb more. I learned that I had to pay closer attention to the details and to what was going on around me. I found out that I am not alone. Many people struggle like me. I also learned that many dyslexics have strengths in other areas, such as design, problem-solving, creative skills, interactive skills, and oral skills, people like the Wright brothers, Einstein, Richard Branson, and Cher. Not bad company to be in.

Over many decades, I learned ways to work smarter and play to my strengths. When I was younger and worked in a screen printing shop, I could read the negatives, upsidedown and in reverse, and often caught things before they went to press.

I have learned to navigate in a world that expects everything in an instant. I have never been one to let someone tell me I can’t do something. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. Life is about learning to play to your strengths.

I still struggle at times and I still get test anxiety. Challenges can loom over you like a dark cloud, I know to pay extra attention especially when I am nervous, hurried, or tired. Occasionally when all three take place at once, it creates a perfect storm for me, and I shut down. I will deflect it with humor or bite back with anger. Knowing that about myself helps me be aware, so those instances happen less often. But it still happens.

Most people would never know about my dyslexia or dyscalculia unless I shared that information. My point is, that you never know what someone else’s struggles may be. It is easy to become impatient with people when you are in “go” mode and the world demands things instantaneously. It is often harder to offer grace to something you don’t see or understand. Be kind in a world that is harsh.