The things I know about my birth father’s personality I can count on one hand. 1. His birthday was April 15 so, he was an Aries. 2. He was the life of the party. 3. When he smiled, he lit up a room. 4. He could laugh at himself. 5. He loved women (probably too much, it’s what caused his death, but that’s a story for another day).
I like to think that I got my love of life and people from my father. I enjoy being the first one at an event and the last one to leave. I am just as happy to help set up the party or the cleanup afterward. As long as everyone is having a good time, I’m in my happy place.
I’ve been told my father was the first to laugh at himself. I think I’m a lot like that. My mother said my father’s philosophy was a line from a poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox’s poem “Solitude”. The line is…Laugh and the world laughs with you. If you haven’t read her writing, I encourage you to do so. I love her poetry. The poem itself is a testament that when life is good people want to share in your happiness but when times get tough, you are left to bear your burdens alone. So, the lesson I took from this is to find the joy in all things, it is better to laugh.
Life is too short, and too precious to be unhappy. I’m not saying I don’t have bad days, I do. I just don’t dwell on them and I look for the lessons that usually come from those days. I see so many people struggling, hurting, and sad or angry at where they are or what has happened to them. This life is oftentimes harder than we can imagine but there is beauty here as well.
At this stage in my life, much of the beauty that surrounds me is in the friends I have, those who love me just as I am. They laugh with me and that makes my life richer for the experience. Laughter is good for the soul. I also think it is healing, through all of the troubles and trials of life, laughter has healed my broken pieces.
Laughter is the spark that starts most relationships and I think it is what sustains relationships. There is no better feeling than being able to share laughter with someone you care about. Those moments are so special.
I also use laughter as a coping mechanism. I’m often socially awkward, or clumsy. Rather than feeling uncomfortable, those moments make me giggle inside or laugh out loud, depending on what occurred. Of course, most people don’t realize when I’m internally laughing at myself, but when it happens it helps me shake it off moment and move forward.
I recently heard a talk about anxiety. When you feel anxious and you feel your mind begins to overthink and spin out, catch yourself and take a moment to just breathe, and instead of telling yourself why everything will go wrong, ask yourself, “What if everything goes right?” Take your negative and shine a positive light on it.
Do you use humor or laughter to cope? What makes you laugh? Can you move past the pain of life into joy?
There is a simple joy in just being. Many people don’t truly grasp the concept of living one day at a time, let alone one moment at a time. When you slow everything down to a moment in time, knowing that at this moment it is all it can be. It can’t be redone. It is here and it is gone. So let me be joyful in this moment, with this situation, with me as I am, right now. Then as this moment expands to the next moment let me carry it forward.
I pray you find joy in the hard moments and peace in the years.
I try to be real. I want others to be real with me. One thing I have found is most men on dating apps say they want honesty, but they really don’t.
I have been ghosted so many times for answering a question straight on. It seems the real-real truth scares the hell out of guys and they run. They don’t care to go deeper than the surface level with a conversation. Or, they don’t know how to process what I’ve said. Or, they get defensive and want to argue with me about my truth. That last one never ends well.
Very rarely, does anyone on a dating app appreciate me for my straightforward honesty. Maybe it is just my delightful blend of truth and sarcasm, or maybe I am just too blunt. Whatever it is, men do not take me at my word, and I find that a little sad.
I am very upfront. I am who I am, and I’m not changing that to accommodate someone else. Accept me or don’t, I’m ok with that.
I try very hard just to be straight with people. I have always been that person who if you ask me for an honest opinion, I will respectfully give you mine. You do not have to agree with me, it’s called an opinion for a reason. I am a grown-up and I can agree to disagree. Honestly, I think we need more of that in the world.
That said, I will never be in a relationship where I am not free to say what’s on my mind. Nor will l walk on eggshells to save someone’s ego. Walking on eggshells always causes someone to end up broken. I am not saying any of this with malice. On the contrary, I am saying this with all the respect I have.
By the same token, I don’t want to be in a relationship where someone can’t respectfully speak their mind with me. I don’t want anyone walking on eggshells around me, either. I’m not fragile nor does my ego need to be stroked.
Someone recently asked me what a woman really wants to hear. At this stage in my life, my answer is honesty. I want to know the truth, don’t sugar coat it, take out the guesswork, leave the mixed signals behind, and just be straight. Let’s have a conversation and take it from there.
I’ll tell you the truth, you do the same. It is so simple, so why does it seem impossible?
People worry about hurting feelings or saying the wrong thing. I would rather someone be respectfully honest with me than deceitfully lie to me.
If you have my trust, I am a no-secrets kind of girl. I believe the best relationships happen when both parties have equal footing. You get and you give in equal amounts. You uplift and strengthen each other. Life becomes better, richer, and more beautiful when you are allies traveling in the same direction and walking alongside each other. Your existence complements mine and vice versa.
I am coming to realize, just how blessed I have been in this life, and I am thankful. It seems this type of relationship is not as common as I thought. That breaks my heart.
I’ve survived terrible relationships and I’ve been blessed with wonderful relationships. Both types have taught me so much. I have friends I have had since childhood. Friends who I cherish, and who cherish me. I like to think the reason for that is they find me genuine, true, and loving.
I have always felt the best way to start any relationship is, to be honest. If at any time you don’t want to be around me, or I don’t want to be around you, let’s have an adult conversation and respectfully part friends. No need for drama or bashing. Let’s be adults. If, after the conversation, you can’t be an adult, wish me well, and walk away, then that’s a problem.
When things go south, pay attention. I learned the hard way. Communicate when things aren’t working for you. The sooner you communicate, the better off you are. Don’t let things fester like an old wound. Talk respectfully and honestly. Listen just as much as you talk. Make sure you are on equal footing. How do they respond to you? Do they listen and treat your thoughts and words with respect? Or, do they try to make you think you don’t know your own mind or aren’t aware of your own feelings? If that’s the case, it may be gaslighting and that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
There are catalyst moments in one’s life that change its trajectory. Counseling was one of those moments for me. Years ago, I went through counseling and the lessons I learned about myself forever changed me. I believe couples counseling works if both people put in the work. However, there are some things that can’t be saved. My marriage still fell apart, but not because I didn’t put in the work. It fell apart because the person I married was not the person I needed. There was no equal footing, no common ground, no respect, and somewhere along the way I realized, no real love. The counseling I underwent saved my life.
People, there is nothing wrong with standing up for what you need or what you believe in. If you don’t feel right about something, you need to listen to that little inner voice. At no point should you ever, EVER, feel forced to stay in a relationship you feel isn’t healthy for you. Don’t let someone guilt you into a relationship or gaslight you into thinking the problem is you when you feel it’s them.
The hope is always that things can be worked out with communication, and sometimes counseling is needed. However, sometimes that is just not possible, in those instances, it is best to cut ties. If cutting ties seems impossible or puts you in danger, tread carefully. If you are in a domestic abuse situation, please get somewhere safe and call the domestic abuse hotline, at 800-799-7233.
Know your worth. You are wonderfully made. My faith carried me through some very dark times, one verse that helped me was 1 Corinthians 3:16-17.
“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy that person; for God’s temple is sacred, and you together are that temple.”
That verse gave me more peace when I was scared than anything, anyone ever said to me.
So my sweet people, go against the grain, be the real-real. Surround yourself with people who appreciate your honesty and let them be the real-real in return.
It is my prayer that you have someone you can be real-real with and can embrace a happy, bright life full of love.
There is truth in the statement that you never forget your first. As humans, we mark milestones by our firsts. Babies in the womb, it’s joy at the first kick or the first hiccup. Life moves on to the baby’s first smile, first laugh, first word, and first step. As you grow older, it becomes your first day of kindergarten, your first dance, your first date, your first kiss, your first car, your first job, and the list goes on and on. Of all of these, the most memorable is your first love.
Many know that I have lived a colorful life full of ups and downs, bumps and bruises, but I wouldn’t trade a moment of the good or the bad. Without one, you don’t appreciate the other. The experiences have molded me into the person I am. I have been blessed to be touched by love many times in my life.
My first BIG love happened, as it does for most, in high school. He was a friend of a friend, he was a senior when I was a freshman. We knew each other in a passing way, it wasn’t until my senior year’s homecoming night that we met officially.
I was dressed in a Flashdance style oversized sweatshirt dress of hot pink that was slashed to slide over one shoulder and legwarmers as were most of my girlfriends that night. We were all out cruising our local shopping center acting crazy.
It was a very different time in the world. His car full of friends stopped to chat with our carload of friends after the Friday night lights had dimmed.
We ended up being pushed together. Music was our common touchpoint. Our first conversation was about the song Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones. I knew he played music and he knew my brother was in radio. We talked about life and lyrics until my curfew and then kissed goodnight.
I found out the next day, he broke up with a girl he had dated for four years just so he could ask me out. We began dating and found that we could be ourselves around each other, no subtext, no games. It was a thing of beauty.
We spoke the same language of lyrics, a love of music, and laughter. He had a wicked sense of humor, and his sharp wit drew me in even further. We were old souls who connected. It was a magical time and I wouldn’t trade a second of that time for anything.
We both fell hard and fast. When I got grounded in April of my senior year for some silly infraction of curfew, we tried (and failed) to run away and get married. Instead of marriage, we ended up engaged.
When my mom found out what we had failed to do, there was a very long conversation. She realized that my stubborn streak would just keep trying until I succeeded.
The same thing happened with his family. All of the elders in our lives tried to talk us out of it. We were both set on getting married. We both felt a sense of urgency, it was something we HAD to do, though we couldn’t explain it. Most adults thought I was pregnant. I wasn’t. We set a date for July of 1983. Right after my high school graduation.
We went through pre-marriage counseling, I got the dress of my dreams, and we booked the caterer and the church. It was a magical wedding. We worked, I went to school, at night we lived a life of music, lyrics, creativity, and love. It was beautiful. It was also short-lived.
Our magic wasn’t without hardship, Gary had juvenile diabetes. Diagnosed when he was 6, his case was chronic and severe. Treatment in the early 80s for diabetes was much different than it is today.
We had moved to Atlanta for me to go to art school. He worked various jobs and tried to find gigs.
The years of severe diabetes took their toll on his body and we found ourselves moving back to Kentucky after 6 months.
The first year we were married we survived three moves and a hospital visit. Our connection even through the toughest moments never faded. The second year we were married we spent more time in the hospital than we did at home.
His organs began to take on the stress of diabetes. Even though I made sure he adhered to a strict diet and took two shots of insulin a day, it didn’t turn the tide.
His kidneys failed and he was put on a transplant list. He was scheduled for his first dialysis the Monday after he died. Two years and 11 days after we were married, Gary died in my arms at home.
It was 3 am on a Saturday morning and he awoke, just feeling off. I got up and got him something to drink. He took the drink and then he was gone. He fell over on me and I tried to give him CPR. I screamed for the neighbors or someone to call 911. The neighbors thought we were fighting. They didn’t know we never fought. We had only been in that apartment a month.
I ended up calling 911, screaming into the phone. I called his aunt, who was a dispatcher, to hurry the ambulance. I knew in my heart he was already gone. They wouldn’t let me ride in the ambulance.
Someone drove me to the hospital. I have no idea who. I was surrounded by people in the hospital and felt more alone than I have ever felt in my life. It was an eternity before the doctor came out and told us he was gone. He’d experienced renal heart failure. At that moment, I shattered. He was 23. It was two months before my 20th birthday.
April 7th would have been Gary’s 61st birthday. It was 40 years ago this month that we tried to elope. Last week I found a small spiral-bound notebook filled with his handwriting that I have held dear and carried from place to place, all over the world.
The notebook is filled with satire, wit, crazy humor, and lyrics to music that will never be written this side of heaven. Lyrics we worked on separately and together. I was his sounding board and thesaurus. Alongside his handwriting are my red proofers marks, in every word our hearts mingled, soared, and laughed together.
I am so thankful that I didn’t listen to my elders and wait to marry him. Our time was short. The heartbreak was immeasurable. It was worth every second of time we had together.
Twice I have loved with my whole heart and lost everything. Gary was my first BIG love and my first BIG loss. I have been asked if I would do it again knowing the risks. My answer is always, YES.
I have learned to listen to that still small voice. It tells you when things are right and it tells you when things are wrong. So pay attention, listen more than you talk. Cherish each fleeting moment and accept the difficulties as learning opportunities to grow and become better.
April is always a retrospective month for me, along with Gary, my biological father’s birthday is April 15th and he would have been 79, the aunt who raised me until I was 11, shares her birthday with a friend of mine on April 5th, she would have been 92 this year. April holds a special place in my heart, as it makes me reflect on what was, what is, and what is to come.
If I have learned anything it is to be true to yourself and to cherish each moment with the people you care about.
I will close this blog with a few words from the 40-year-old notebook of Gary Lane Sullivan’s lyrics. I love this one. It reminds me no matter the length of time, it is always worth the cost.
Love is just what it is
It drives some men crazy
Some go insane
You'll never know about love
Until you've played the game
Some men get lucky
Some always lose
Love's a strange experience
It can turn men into fools
Love is for both of us
It's not just yours or mine
Love is where you find it
It is just a matter of time
Some men get confused
They don't know which way to go
Some think they understand it
Some they just don't know
Men don't know about love
Some think they do, but it's all lies
When they get confused about love
You see it in their eyes
There is nowhere to put the blame
When you have loved and lost
It is no one else's worry
It always has a cost
You just have to try it
Just to find out how it is
Love is where you find it
Love is just what it is
Yes, it belongs to both of us
Love is just what it is
Ah, the joys of online dating. I’ve sort of given the whole thing a break. Although, there is still a site that I’ve paid for, where my membership is still good until the end of March, and my profile is still live. I figure, I paid for it, may as well see what pops up. (No pun intended.) I’m nothing if not frugally curious.
As I’ve said before, there are several things in online dating I find quite hilarious. I just can’t help myself. I recently found an article that had a list of online dating etiquette. I thought many of these tips were very common sense. I have yet to see the etiquette for when you run across a profile of someone you actually know. Do you throw the phone? Do you act as if you didn’t see it there? Do you do the absolute, wrong thing and say “Hey, how’s it hangin’?” So as not to cause any misinterpretation, I aim for a polite, “just wanted to say hey and happy hunting.” I mean really it’s just a conversation that no one ever answers, so you may as well be polite.
Anyway, I thought I would share a few of my more humorous online dating encounters. Let me preface this by saying, the names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Encounter #1 (and my favorite) was a superhero. BATMAN! I have to tell you, I laughed until I cried. I was so amazed that Batman liked me, I mean wow, it is not every day you get a message from the caped crusader! His profile was the Michael Keaton version of Batman, so I was intrigued. I mean who wouldn’t be? I am a special blend of playful and snarky, so I had to ask questions. His profile said he was from North Carolina. I knew there was a Batcave, NC, so surely this was the real deal. His profile also said he was 5’11” (somehow I thought he would be taller?). So, I asked if he wore heels? It said he had kids. I asked if he still counted Robin his ward as a dependent? Was Batgirl also his? I’m not sure I remember the storyline. I also think he lied about his age, he said he was 45. So I asked if he was sure? Little did he know, my first words were “na na na, BATMAN!” when I was 1 in 1966, and Batman at that time was a grown man, so something is not adding up here. Even if he were the Michael Keaton version he would be older than 45, right? Hmmm. He didn’t respond to my questions and he never messaged me again. Oh, well. I guess a superhero was too much to wish for.
Encounter #2 was with Rigger. He worked on an oil rig and loved to cook and CLEAN. Really? I would think that would keep you really busy on a rig. He texted a wonderful game, was sweet and funny and enjoyed witty banter, was somewhat intelligent. Until I started asking personal questions. The oil rig he worked on had security and could only text, no phone calls, no video chats, no photos. Right. Did he miss the part about me being an Army widow? I got skyped from war zones. Let me call bulls**t. The story (after 2 days), he was coming off the rig in a month. He really wanted to come to see me and stay in Knoxville because it sounded so beautiful. Hmmmm. He got really defensive when I said I had Googled him. He didn’t exist anywhere he said he did. When I told him I didn’t want to meet with anyone who couldn’t video chat and at least prove they were who they said they were, things got dicey. And again, my snarky side jumped out and asked for a photo of him holding his driver’s license. How dare I ask for a picture or a background check. Oh dear, there goes another one.
Encounter #3 was the Flying V. His profile photo was of a wild-haired 80s guitarist holding a beautiful classic Gibson blond Flying V guitar. So I complimented him on his guitar (I love music and it was a fine instrument). He liked fluffy girls and thought he should come live with me because Knoxville has such a bitchin’ music scene. Knoxville does. He shouldn’t. He thought I was cool because I knew what he played and he obviously thought that meant he needed to move in with me. He was devastated when I told him I had a roommate. Things when downhill at warp speed, and another one bites the dust.
Encounter #4 was Who’s Your Daddy? A very nice-looking truck driver who thought I was an amazing lady of exceptional caliber. We talked on the phone a few times and the conversation was going fine. Until I asked, “How many kids do you have?” I thought it was a perfectly normal question, right? Until he answered, I’m not sure. Wait, what? You don’t know how many children you have? I’m thinking player or sperm doner, either way, I think I’m out.
Encounter #5 Momma’s Boy – I should have known better than to even respond to this one, but I was flattered. He was 45, so 12 years younger. I thought, maybe he can keep up with me. It seems that the nice fellas I met who were my age all went to be at 8 pm and that’s just not me. So, I was hopeful. I have a co-worker whose hubby is 9 years her junior and they have a wonderful relationship. You never know, right? So I meet the fella for dinner. He was late. He arrives after I already had a table, a drink, and an appetizer. I’m polite, say something about the traffic or road construction. He says, no, he’s helping his mom. Ok, that’s sweet. Then he proceeds to tell me he lives in her basement and is unemployed. She actually gave him money to go out that night because he helped her. Can, I pick them or what?
Now, I know I can be a bit much. I laugh too loud. Sometimes my filter is broken and things just come out of my mouth that should have stayed in my head. I tell the truth to a fault, but I try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. You always know where you stand with me. I am diplomatic. I can’t sit still when music is playing. I’m colorful. I’m creative. I’m overweight. I’m active. I love to dance, especially in my kitchen barefoot. (Lord, knows my kitchen isn’t for cookin’.) My hair color/style changes on a whim. I have never been accused of being boring or sedate. I am fiercely loyal. I have a huge heart for people, animals, and the world. And a whole host of other things. I would definitely say, I am an experience. I’d like to think a positve one. About a week before Andy died, he came into the kitchen, where I was dancing and singing (badly) putting away dishes (remember my kitchen is for dancing) and he whispered in my ear, “life with you is never boring.” That is one of my most treasured memories. Life should never be boring.
I must say, I really try not to be judgy, I think most people who know me would say I’m not. Online dating makes you judgy. I can’t help it. It does. I hope you won’t judge me too harshly and I hope some of my adventures have been a cautionary, fun glimpse into my world. If you have someone to love, love them with all that you have. Appreciation is often overlooked. Live life to the fullest, it can change on a dime.
In this world of dry texting, monosyllabic chat, and single emojis that drop into our social media comments, text messages, DMs, and even video chats, does true communication even exist anymore? When the most you can hope for is short terse answers to questions that run through your mind, answers with no tone, and plenty of room for supposition, how do you get to truly know someone? Have we lost the art of communication?
It’s even more of a disaster in the dating world at my age, as people think answering a like, DM, text or even a phone call should be immediate. If a message isn’t responded to in a timely manner of a day or two, I understand, maybe that person doesn’t want to talk to you.
However, the number of people my age, who think a message should be replied to instantaneously stunned me. People, let’s play nice and work on our patience.
The number of fellas who have liked my dating profile in the last two months, only to ignore me because I didn’t respond immediately, 24. Twenty-four, hopefully, nice guys didn’t have the patience for me to reply to a text until after I got off work. They couldn’t wait 8 hours, not even a whole day. And it wasn’t even a real conversation. I do not get it. I don’t mean to sound crass, but it’s their loss. And really would I want to be with someone who has the attention span of a gnat? Probably not.
Being a creative type adds another layer of complication to communication altogether. When inspiration strikes you must strike with it, otherwise it just disappears, like dust in the wind. I’m not saying I’m losing it or anything, just some days the creative process can be like a squirrel on crack, I can be all over the place at once. I know it is that way for a lot of creative people.
Usually, when I feel something resonate with me and the gears start to spin, I will have a vision in my head of what something could be and I can’t let it go until I do something with it. It can be pen to paper, graphic design, paint to canvas, fire to wood, or thread to material, it’s a motivating force. An artist friend told me, he couldn’t get the noise in his head to stop until he created what he was thinking. I wish I had approached my art that way more often when I was younger.
Creativity can also be an isolating force. Most people don’t understand the sudden lack of attention (I am generally a detail-oriented person) or see the shift in focus when an idea is spinning in the creative process. That alone can make a relationship hard to maintain and this is where communication is key, I had to learn to tell people that I was going to be unavailable.
Most people say they understand the creative process until I don’t answer the text, the phone, or the email because the music is up and I am dancing around barefoot with a paintbrush in my hand, or humming along while I sew, or building something with power tools. They don’t understand that I have to get the vision out into the world, or like grapes, it dies on the vine and becomes a thorn in my side.
All they see is me ignoring them when that’s not the case at all. Eventually, I have to come up for air and focus back on the real world. I once again long for real connection and communication. My love languages are Quality Time, Touch, and Words of Affirmation, but those are hard to give or to get when no one can communicate. It’s like the 80s song by the Buggies, VideoKilled the Radio Star, except I think, Text Messaging has Killed the Conversation.
I would like to think that in my years as a graphic designer listening to a customer’s vision and creating it, or my time in the newspaper business listening to an interview to get the story I’ve become a better communicator. Or maybe it is just me getting older and I call it as I see it. I try to say what I mean, let people know what I need, and clarify if needed. Someone told me I was intimidating and I couldn’t help but laugh, the last thing I wanted to do is intimidate anyone. Still, I am amazed at the people who don’t know how to ask for what they need, or even say what they really mean. In the long run, aren’t they just hurting themselves?
The art of conversation is a rare gift. When you have it treasure it. Good conversation is a balm to the soul. It creates a connection and is the building block for any type of good relationship. Connection isn’t just about the words, it’s when you can sit across the table and look into someone’s eyes and see if they are sincere in what they are saying, or see their eyes smile even when their face doesn’t, and read their body language, there is subtext and nuance no text message will ever have. A good conversation invites you in, gets you comfortable, and puts you at ease, there is give and take, it’s a two-way street. And when it’s done, both people walk away feeling understood, like someone actually heard what they had to say. That’s a beautiful thing.
You would think that post-pandemic, we would all be longing for real conversations, not ones related to the screens in our hands, but I just don’t see that happening and it breaks my heart a little.
As far as the online dating world is concerned, it’s a hot mess out there. The men who want to sext you up and haven’t even met you, aren’t worth your time, ladies. If I’m going to engage with someone, I at least want to look them in the eye, is that too much to ask? Personally, I find that I am a sapiosexual, and find intelligence sexy, so give me great conversations that make me think and get my gears turning any day.
Thanks for reading and stay safe out there, it’s a crazy, wild world.
On a Roll with Charmin 