bible – On a Roll with Charmin

I am blessed to work for an organization that values quiet times of reflection. Twice a year, our whole staff comes together for a day of quiet reflection and prayer. We gather beside the lake and everyone finds their own quiet place to spend time with God. We have a whole day to meditate on whatever is on our hearts and minds. Last week, we had one of those sweet days of reflection. What did I reflect on? My calling, my purpose, single life, and dating.

I try to be honest with myself and with my readers. So this post is me processing and sharing my own vulnerability.

Not long ago, I was played by a man who said all the right things. I have had a few similar encounters over the years like this. At this stage in the game, I thought I was old enough to know better. This guy was SMOOTH. He acted as if he genuinely cared about me. We seemed to be on the same page about so many things. We both loved music, enjoyed dancing, and appreciated good food. Conversation flowed easily. Things seemed to click. About 3 weeks in, I invite him to the house to grill steaks after work. We got the steaks on the grill. We were sitting on my back patio just talking about the day. The sun was shining, the steaks were beginning to sizzle on the grill.

A knock on the front door changed EVERYTHING in an instant. His girlfriend was at my door and asked if he was there. I did not see that one coming. I was shell-shocked by that bomb. It was obvious he was, his car is in my driveway. I opened the door wide and let him step outside.

Needless to say, that relationship ended REAL QUICK. I spent the rest of the week digging into what had just happened. I found out SO MANY THINGS. He did this A LOT. He kept SEVERAL women on a string. He lied about so many things. He was the textbook definition of a player.

The enemy came at me hard with so many things. I felt like an absolute fool for being so taken in by this person. My trust in men was shaken. I began to doubt everything. I am my own worst enemy, and the voices in my head went to work. I told myself that at 60, I should have known better! I am too old to be playing these games with these jokers. Should I even care about dating at my age? Who would want me anyway? Why do I put myself through this? Who am I to think I have anything to offer a person? So many negative things beat me down. My self-esteem left the building. Dating is hard enough without having some player messing with your heart and mind.

I had to tell the enemy to get out of my head. I had to pray. I had to forgive myself. I had to evaluate. I had to take a hard look at what I was doing and ask myself some hard questions. I also had to apologize to some people who tried to warn me.

Since this sad little dating lesson, I’ve been working on redirecting my focus to what God has for me. You see, I realized several things. I had been focusing too much on what I wanted. I had taken my eyes off of what God wanted for me. I forgot that I was a daughter of the most high King and that I am treasured. My value is not based on appearance, status, what I do, what I have, who I’m with…It is based on who I am in God and what God believes of me. That was a powerful revelation.

Psalm 139 says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God created my heart, my mind, and my soul for Him. Proverbs 31 says I am clothed in strength and dignity and will laugh at the days to come. 1 Peter 3 says my beauty comes from within…the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. Isiah 43 says I am precious and honored in His sight because He loves me.

If God can believe all these things about me, who am I to discount that truth? His truth overrides my truth every time. I am crying as I write this because I believed none of this about myself. NONE OF IT. I was so out of line with what God believes of me. I needed a wake-up call. And I got it, a rude awakening that shook me to my core.

I have walked through some fires of life and survived some very brutal things. But dating in this day and age is the devil’s playground, y’all.

In the past, I’ve struggled with praying for myself. I had to get over that. I’m telling you friends, if you are going to date in this day and age, you’d better pray yourself up. Ask Him to prepare your heart for what’s to come, to give you strength, perseverance, guidance. Then pay attention and don’t get lost in pretty words and promises. Ask for discernment and then use it. Ask for alignment and see what measures up.

Does the person measure up to 1 Corinthians 13? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

At first, I felt silly asking God for what I wanted in a man. It felt like I was ordering one from Amazon. I realized rather than praying for a man, I needed to pray about MY spirit. Pray and search out who I want to be for someone. I know in my being that I am here to be a helpmate to someone. I am here to make someone’s life better, to enhance our golden years. To be someone’s best friend. I have so much love to give and the experience to know what really matters in life. When you have been through the worst of it, you know how to celebrate the best of it, every day. God created me for such a purpose as this. I’m as sure of that as I am my name.

So my prayer is to keep my heart open to God’s leading and His guidance. I pray for me not to grow angry or bitter. I pray for me to truly let my light shine from within. I pray someone will see me as God sees me. But if they don’t, I’m ok with that too. I am still created by a loving God who values the beauty of the heart.

I realized dating makes me anxious. I don’t need to be anxious about anything. God has got me. He always has. I also realized I am blessed. I am happy. I have a fulfilling job that gives me purpose. I have a multitude of friends who truly care about me. I’ve experienced great loss, but I’ve also experienced great joy. I’ve navigated some very dark waters and lived to tell the tale. And I have some tales.

God gave me peace, peace with being alone, and peace with being myself, beauty from ashes. I don’t need to be anxious. He has something better in store for me, so I’ll go with what’s in His will and not my own.

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:6-7. “‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Lastly, I pray, believing God will give me what I need. I’ve learned so much through this experience. I pray this experience helps you, too. I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

You are never promised tomorrow. Life can change in an instant. When it is all said and done what do you long for? In the past four years of rediscovering myself, I’ve found important things and I refuse to settle for less. I think that is growth and deserving rolled into a package.

Deserving is a cringy word for me. You hear, “I deserve this or that”, and “I’m worthy of this or that.” To some, it means entitlement, to me it means grace. Were I to get what I deserved, and what I was worth I wouldn’t be standing here today. Grace changes that landscape and creates a better image inside of us. We are created by an infinite God, in His image, His energy breathes life into us, His spark makes our hearts beat. You don’t have to agree with me or believe like me, I won’t judge you or beat you over the head with my Bible. Whatever you call it, there is energy that surrounds us and creates us, I call that God.

So how do I get to a place of peace with deserving?

I have had to shift my perception to be ready to change. I know change is on the horizon. I can’t see it, but it’s there. Life happens to all of us. The God of the Universe has given us unlimited creative potential. As humans, we constantly try to fit God into a box with our limiting beliefs and perceptions. God doesn’t have limits, but our minds can’t fathom those complexities. I’ve learned I don’t have to understand, I just have to pay attention and take the next step forward.

I have learned to receive support, I’ve learned that I am not an island and I need other people who are in alignment with me. By being willing to receive support, I can turn around and give support to others. Sometimes we all need someone to pour into our cup and not continually drain it dry.

I have learned to perceive myself differently. I am always my own worst critic. Up until now, I have believed I will never be good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough, etc. I have to combat negative self-talk daily, but now I try to catch it when it happens and give myself an alternative to what the enemy in my mind wants me to believe. The truth is, what others think of me doesn’t matter. The truth is what I think of myself, matters more than I ever imagined. Not in a vain or conceited way, in a wholistic way. We go where our minds lead.

I have learned that condition-based thinking defeats me. My past, my history, has taught me valuable lessons. We lived it, we survived it, but it does not own us. We have a story, but we are not our story. We have a history, we are not our history. By understanding history we aim to not repeat it. By conditioning ourselves to believe our history is all we are, we never grow past the borders of our past and may even doom ourselves into repeating that history and hoping for a different outcome.

In a recent class, it was explained to me like this…Our sense of deserving does not come from our past, our stories or our conditions, it comes from the infinite potential that God has placed inside us. Accepting and identifying that shifted my perception and has since shifted my life.

I’m learning that I have the power to change my self-image by being conscious of my thoughts and reframing them from negative to positive. I’m changing the channel on negativity. I am learning to respond rather than react. That’s difficult. I have a feeling it will take a constant effort on my part. We are all works in progress, no matter what age. I am worth the work. 🙂