Category: Uncategorized

Quietly Vulnerable

On By charminfothIn Uncategorized2 Comments

Why is it considered brave to weather the storm without breaking down? Countless times since my husband passed away I have been called brave. I don’t understand this concept, it is not as if I had a choice, I just had to move forward. For me, it isn’t bravery, it is a necessity, putting one foot in front of the other.

Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

I have struggled with writing this post for the past two and a half years. A friend recently told me not to worry about what others will think, just write it. So here I am, being quietly vulnerable. This isn’t going to be a fun post for me, but maybe once it is out of my brain, I can move on.

I am a very animated and outgoing person, I am not a person prone to drama in my everyday life. I much prefer positivity rather than negativity, and laughter rather than tears. I am empathetic and can easily cry and pray with and for friends. I am happy to help others bear their burdens. Why do I find it so hard to cry and pray for myself? Why do I feel that if I cry or ask God for a personal need, I am weak? I find it hard to be vulnerable, to let my guard down. I find it nearly impossible to cry cleansing tears for myself and my grief in the presence of others.

Andy passed away during COVID from a stroke. Because of the restrictions, it was a time when people could not grieve alongside me. There was limited personal or physical contact with others. His memorial was done over Zoom and is now on Youtube. I sat in my dining room alone and listened to people share memories. It was beautiful, but I was isolated. His funeral happened a year and a half later. It was a small private event and is also on YouTube. People from across the globe attended in real-time and it was beautiful, but still, I was isolated.

I had friends who cared for me and prayed for me, but the thing I longed for was someone to just hold me while I cried. Not just anyone, I wanted strong male arms to hold me and give me comfort. That is something I have longed for my whole life. Not having a father figure in my life brought that wound to the forefront. It wasn’t until times of despair I realized how much I needed a strong male in my life. That doesn’t mean being physically strong. While that is nice, I need them to have a backbone. For me, it means emotionally strong, spiritually strong, and mentally strong. Someone I can respect and who has the ability to open up and be vulnerable alongside me.

That is so hard for me to admit. I have long been the independent, strong-willed, get-things-done woman. Admitting that I need someone feels like an impossible task. The first time someone hugged me after the pandemic subsided I thought I would shatter and break down. I felt it bubbling up inside me and I cut it off. I locked my emotions down tight. I couldn’t be that vulnerable with another person.

Most strong women cry in the shower, did you know that? Rather than appear weak, we isolate ourselves and cry while we are alone and no one sees it. Or we scream into pillows. Doing whatever we have to do in order to remain smooth on the surface.

I remember when the planes hit the towers on 911, I just knew Andy was going to the desert again. Deployment was imminent. I just had stitches removed after major surgery and was finally allowed to shower. I made my excuses and slipped away, turned the water on hot, and stood there and cried until the water turned cold.

I did not want to burden anyone with my tears, my feelings, my anxieties about what may come. I could not bring myself to voice the worry I had, but I also could not show the weakness I felt at being powerless.

Being vulnerable is all about trust. I have trust issues. There it is. There have been very few people in my life with whom I have had a level of trust to show my vulnerability. I realized the struggle I was bumping up against was my own fear of being vulnerable. Miriam-Webster defines vulnerability as being capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or open to attack or damage.

Who wants to risk it? Why would I put myself in a space like that? I learned a long time ago that if I put everything out there, then no one could use it against me. If I learned to laugh at myself, others’ laughter wouldn’t bother me. So, I tend to be very open and honest about things and tend to go through life with a sense of humor. However, there is a part of me that will remain closed off until someone shows me they can be trusted.

I’m pretty positive that it’s why I’m afraid to date anyone. So therein lies the problem, life has become a Catch-22. A problem for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule (per Wikipedia).

I have been slowly making my way out of my comfort zone, being vulnerable. I know what I need, and I know what I don’t need, it’s still a learning process in this journey of self-discovery. So the challenge to myself is to take cautious steps forward and to keep taking them even when I want to retreat.

This is hard. But really, it’s just me being vulnerable.

Scarcity Mentality

On By charminfothIn UncategorizedLeave a comment
How many good boxes are too many?

People in poverty often find themselves struggling with a scarcity mentality. When you are scraping by trying to provide the basic necessities of life, food, shelter, clothing, transportation, etc. you live with a scarcity mindset, it’s reality. Studies have shown that children in poverty are linked to behavioral and mental health issues arising from a scarcity mentality. 1.

A scarcity mentality can come through in a variety of ways. It could be the job you take because you are afraid you won’t find anything better. It could be buying unneeded groceries because you fear going hungry. There are a variety of things that can come from a scarcity mindset, hoarding, being overly frugal, always feeling as if you must clean your plate, making snap decisions because time is scarce, to name just a few. It is the pervasive feeling that keeps telling you, you will never have enough.

It can also happen in relationships. You date the guy, or girl, because you feel no one else will ever ask you out. Maybe, you say “yes” to the proposal because you’ve been single too long, and your mother is in your head saying “when will I get grandchildren.” You hang out with that friend that does and says “cringy” things because everyone else was busy. You find yourself operating from a place of scarcity. This mindset can go hand in hand with self esteem issues, depression and anxiety. Feeling that you are not enough, and will never be enough.

For me, I had to do the hard work of learning who I was, and what I needed versus reacting to that scarcity mindset. I had to really think about what was important to me and I had to shift my thinking to a mindset of abundance, and of gratitude.

Much like someone in Alcoholics Anonymous, I had to accept that God was in control. I also had to do a fearless moral inventory of my life (Step 4). I had to focus on what I do have in abundance, rather than what I feel I am lacking. I had to define what abundance meant to me. It can be different for everyone.

I had to remember that I am abundantly blessed with people who care about my well-being, that I am blessed to have a job, a home, a car, food and moderately good health. I have my faith, hope and love all around me. For all these things I am immensely grateful.

I remembered I am a fallible, broken, human who has the love of a God who loves me just as I am. I have to love myself as God sees me, not as I see me. Being mindful of that makes a huge difference for me. Journaling and writing helps me process my thoughts, and prayers.

I focus on this verse often:

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭26‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Recognizing these patterns and changing your mindset is no easy feat. It may be helpful to talk to a mental health professional. What works for me may not be your path. Just know that it isn’t an overnight process or a quick fix. Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back. Keep at it. Just know, if you are struggling, you are worth the work. You are enough.

  1. Akee RKQ, Copeland WE, Keeler G, Angold A, Costello EJ. Parents’ incomes and children’s outcomes: a quasi-experiment. American economic journal Applied economics. 2010;2(1):86. doi:10.1257/app.2.1.86

A Lifetime of Firsts

On By charminfothIn Uncategorized2 Comments

There is truth in the statement that you never forget your first. As humans, we mark milestones by our firsts. Babies in the womb, it’s joy at the first kick or the first hiccup. Life moves on to the baby’s first smile, first laugh, first word, and first step. As you grow older, it becomes your first day of kindergarten, your first dance, your first date, your first kiss, your first car, your first job, and the list goes on and on. Of all of these, the most memorable is your first love.

Many know that I have lived a colorful life full of ups and downs, bumps and bruises, but I wouldn’t trade a moment of the good or the bad. Without one, you don’t appreciate the other. The experiences have molded me into the person I am. I have been blessed to be touched by love many times in my life.

My first BIG love happened, as it does for most, in high school. He was a friend of a friend, he was a senior when I was a freshman. We knew each other in a passing way, it wasn’t until my senior year’s homecoming night that we met officially.

I was dressed in a Flashdance style oversized sweatshirt dress of hot pink that was slashed to slide over one shoulder and legwarmers as were most of my girlfriends that night. We were all out cruising our local shopping center acting crazy.

It was a very different time in the world. His car full of friends stopped to chat with our carload of friends after the Friday night lights had dimmed.

We ended up being pushed together. Music was our common touchpoint. Our first conversation was about the song Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones. I knew he played music and he knew my brother was in radio. We talked about life and lyrics until my curfew and then kissed goodnight.

I found out the next day, he broke up with a girl he had dated for four years just so he could ask me out. We began dating and found that we could be ourselves around each other, no subtext, no games. It was a thing of beauty.

We spoke the same language of lyrics, a love of music, and laughter. He had a wicked sense of humor, and his sharp wit drew me in even further. We were old souls who connected. It was a magical time and I wouldn’t trade a second of that time for anything.

We both fell hard and fast. When I got grounded in April of my senior year for some silly infraction of curfew, we tried (and failed) to run away and get married. Instead of marriage, we ended up engaged.

When my mom found out what we had failed to do, there was a very long conversation. She realized that my stubborn streak would just keep trying until I succeeded.

The same thing happened with his family. All of the elders in our lives tried to talk us out of it. We were both set on getting married. We both felt a sense of urgency, it was something we HAD to do, though we couldn’t explain it. Most adults thought I was pregnant. I wasn’t. We set a date for July of 1983. Right after my high school graduation.

We went through pre-marriage counseling, I got the dress of my dreams, and we booked the caterer and the church. It was a magical wedding. We worked, I went to school, at night we lived a life of music, lyrics, creativity, and love. It was beautiful. It was also short-lived.

Our magic wasn’t without hardship, Gary had juvenile diabetes. Diagnosed when he was 6, his case was chronic and severe. Treatment in the early 80s for diabetes was much different than it is today.

We had moved to Atlanta for me to go to art school. He worked various jobs and tried to find gigs.

The years of severe diabetes took their toll on his body and we found ourselves moving back to Kentucky after 6 months.

The first year we were married we survived three moves and a hospital visit. Our connection even through the toughest moments never faded. The second year we were married we spent more time in the hospital than we did at home.

His organs began to take on the stress of diabetes. Even though I made sure he adhered to a strict diet and took two shots of insulin a day, it didn’t turn the tide.

His kidneys failed and he was put on a transplant list. He was scheduled for his first dialysis the Monday after he died. Two years and 11 days after we were married, Gary died in my arms at home.

It was 3 am on a Saturday morning and he awoke, just feeling off. I got up and got him something to drink. He took the drink and then he was gone. He fell over on me and I tried to give him CPR. I screamed for the neighbors or someone to call 911. The neighbors thought we were fighting. They didn’t know we never fought. We had only been in that apartment a month.

I ended up calling 911, screaming into the phone. I called his aunt, who was a dispatcher, to hurry the ambulance. I knew in my heart he was already gone. They wouldn’t let me ride in the ambulance.

Someone drove me to the hospital. I have no idea who. I was surrounded by people in the hospital and felt more alone than I have ever felt in my life. It was an eternity before the doctor came out and told us he was gone. He’d experienced renal heart failure. At that moment, I shattered. He was 23. It was two months before my 20th birthday.

April 7th would have been Gary’s 61st birthday. It was 40 years ago this month that we tried to elope. Last week I found a small spiral-bound notebook filled with his handwriting that I have held dear and carried from place to place, all over the world.

The notebook is filled with satire, wit, crazy humor, and lyrics to music that will never be written this side of heaven. Lyrics we worked on separately and together. I was his sounding board and thesaurus. Alongside his handwriting are my red proofers marks, in every word our hearts mingled, soared, and laughed together.

I am so thankful that I didn’t listen to my elders and wait to marry him. Our time was short. The heartbreak was immeasurable. It was worth every second of time we had together.

Twice I have loved with my whole heart and lost everything. Gary was my first BIG love and my first BIG loss. I have been asked if I would do it again knowing the risks. My answer is always, YES.

I have learned to listen to that still small voice. It tells you when things are right and it tells you when things are wrong. So pay attention, listen more than you talk. Cherish each fleeting moment and accept the difficulties as learning opportunities to grow and become better.

April is always a retrospective month for me, along with Gary, my biological father’s birthday is April 15th and he would have been 79, the aunt who raised me until I was 11, shares her birthday with a friend of mine on April 5th, she would have been 92 this year. April holds a special place in my heart, as it makes me reflect on what was, what is, and what is to come.

If I have learned anything it is to be true to yourself and to cherish each moment with the people you care about.

I will close this blog with a few words from the 40-year-old notebook of Gary Lane Sullivan’s lyrics. I love this one. It reminds me no matter the length of time, it is always worth the cost.

Love is just what it is

It drives some men crazy
Some go insane
You'll never know about love
Until you've played the game

Some men get lucky
Some always lose
Love's a strange experience
It can turn men into fools

Love is for both of us
It's not just yours or mine
Love is where you find it
It is just a matter of time

Some men get confused
They don't know which way to go
Some think they understand it
Some they just don't know

Men don't know about love
Some think they do, but it's all lies
When they get confused about love
You see it in their eyes

There is nowhere to put the blame
When you have loved and lost
It is no one else's worry
It always has a cost

You just have to try it
Just to find out how it is
Love is where you find it
Love is just what it is

Yes, it belongs to both of us
Love is just what it is

Is That A Big Fish…

On By charminfothIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Or are you just happy to see me?

Dating at any age isn’t easy, it’s always just a little bit awkward. But dating at a certain age is a whole new fresh hell.

I guess this is where I put out the disclaimer that if you are one of my more straight-laced readers, you might want to skim past this one. I am going to throw some shade and lay down some hard-won wisdom. I am by no means an expert and I still have questions of my own, but things are weird out there.

As many of you know, I lost my husband over 2 years ago, and last year I got back out on the dating scene. At this moment, I’m not sure why it seemed like the thing to do? Since I am a student of life I thought I’d share, maybe you will learn from my mistakes. I’ve also made some fascinating observations, I will keep it PG, but there will be some mild subtext.

Back in the day, you met people out and about, while you were living life, doing what you liked, and you had a conversation. You hit it off and then dating happened along with all the awkwardness, exploration, and testing that ensued. That doesn’t happen anymore. It’s all text conversations, apps, scams, and catfishing.

Now my observations are strictly from the female perspective, but I am sure that some of these go both ways. Let’s face it, there are plenty of ladies out there who aren’t what they say they are, either. All I can say is, ask a lot of questions. Questions are your friend.

But I digress, let’s get to a few things to be aware of:

If they seem too good to be true, they probably are. If they look like a supermodel with washboard abs and you look like the StayPuff Marshmallow Man with bedhead in pajamas, they are scamming you. (No disrespect, ladies, I’m fluffy and fine with it, but I know when something just doesn’t feel right.)

If they immediately are in love with you, they are a scammer. (I’m awesome, but I don’t want anyone telling me they love me during my first text conversation.)

If they immediately try to get you off whatever your choice dating app is and ask you to download Snapchat, WhatsApp, Google Text, or whatever, you need to rethink and ask a BUNCH of questions about them. (I once asked a guy if he would take a selfie of himself holding his driver’s license so he could prove he was who he said he was. He couldn’t. I was ok with it.)

If they refuse to call you, facetime, video chat, or meet up, chances are they are not who they say they are.

Just be careful out there and when in doubt, talk to your friends about whoever you may be chatting up. They will want to give you love life advice anyway, and this way they can live vicariously through you. LOL!

Now onto the fun part, the observations.

My first observation has to be that 99% of the men have photos with really BIG fish. In my mind, this has to be compensation of some kind. I mean, it’s not the size of the fish, it’s the motion of the ocean, right? Are they showing me I won’t starve if the zombie apocalypse comes? Personally, I don’t find fish sexy, but maybe that’s just me.

The next observation was how many men wanted to go on hikes in the wilderness for a first date. Ladies, I don’t know about you, but I do not want to go off into the wilderness with some guy I met over a text message. Something about that just screams AX MURDERER. Dude, take her out for coffee, I know you hate to pay $5 for a Starbucks if it isn’t going to go somewhere, but you will live, I promise, and more importantly, she will. And, you might get a second date that includes a hike.

Observation number three, images may not be as they appear. There are SO many aspects to this observation. I do not know why, as a culture, we are so obsessed with filters. Just be real. Take a bath, wear clothes (more about this later), comb your hair (if you have any), and for God’s sake, SMILE. Get yourself out in some nice natural light and take a photo, or better yet, have a friend take your photo. I know you will be tempted to put a filter on it, just don’t. When you show up at the coffee shop she will actually be able to pick you out of the line at the counter to say hello. Otherwise, what happens…you walk in looking like a dried apple that is nothing like the photos, and she is going to be disappointed, and probably go to the bathroom and never come back. It’s false advertising. It’s wrong.

Observation number four, clothes, wear them. Ladies, I don’t know about you, but I like to unwrap a package. A nice form-fitting shirt and jeans, or a suit. Yes, please. I like it when there is something left to the imagination. Unless you look like Jason Momoa, The Rock, Chris Evans, or whatever heartthrob is on the cover without his shirt on, keep your clothes on. And for all that is holy, please don’t take a selfie of yourself lying in bed. Creepy. Most women I’ve talked to said that is a hard pass, we don’t want to see it. Also, don’t take a selfie of yourself looking down at the camera, you look like a Shar Pei who needs time at the groomer. It is never going to be your best look.

Observation number five, be who you say you are. Just be honest. Do you really want to start a relationship based on some false interpretation of who you are? That is a recipe for failure. Both parties in a relationship deserve honesty. I’m sorry, I am unapologetically who I am. If you don’t like me for who I am, how could I ever like you for who you are?

Trust me everything is better when you can be comfortable in your own skin. I have had a few great dates, that ended in new friends and nothing more and that’s ok. I know what I want, and more importantly, what I don’t want, and I’m not afraid to share that information. I am not unkind, but I am honest.

Oh, and yes, there have been bad dates as well. All I can say is don’t take things too personally or let them rob you of your peace. I appreciate honesty. I much prefer a straight-up conversation, but that doesn’t mean you get to belittle me. I won’t stand for anything less than respect. Passive-aggressive doesn’t play well, just say what you mean, and don’t manipulate me. I believe you get what you give. If you don’t respect me, don’t expect me to respect you.

I have learned that life is too short for drama and chaos. Many people mistake drama for passion and that is sad to me. Once you learn that passion can exist without drama, your whole world opens up. There is so much passion in art, in music, in everyday life but it is often overlooked, it’s the little things. Pay attention to the little things.

That old saying that you have to love yourself before others can love you, rings true. Right now, that’s where I am. I like my own company. If I can’t stand myself, who else will? I love who I am. I’m a sassy, outgoing, straightforward, funny, clumsy, independent woman, and definitely a work in progress. The progress is where the fun comes in. Be happy being you.

I hope my ramblings have been helpful or at least entertaining. I will close with the chorus from one of my favorite Keb Mo songs:

But if nobody loves you
and you feel like dust on an empty shelf
just remember
you can love yourself

Thanks for reading.

Our life with Shiloh the Wonder Dog

On By charminfothIn UncategorizedLeave a comment
Shiloh after her first bath, just before coming home with me.

In September of 2018 I became a rescue “mom” of a large white husky mix dog.

I work for Compassion Coalition, an organization in Knoxville that helps churches, organizations and businesses help people in need in the community of Knoxville, Tennessee. Compassion Coalition runs a call center where people in need, church benevolence staff or caseworkers can call in and find community resources for a variety of needs.

On this particular day in September I answered the phone and spoke with a local caseworker who assits the senior population. She had been called on to do a wellness check for an elderly gentleman who had been put in the hospital. Seems he didn’t have water at his home and had walked to the corner store to get a case of bottled water for he and his dog when he became dizzy and passed out on the walk home. A couple driving past saw this and stopped. In the hospital he became very concerned about his dog at home alone with no water.

The caseworker, with his permission, went to the home to find living conditions in such a state that no human or animal should have to live. By this point they knew the elderly gentleman would not be able to return to his home with his health condition. He prayed for a good home for his dog while he was getting better.

Now the caseworker was tasked to find assistance for a dog, Shiloh. After telling me the story of the elderly gentleman, I recommeded a vet that would come to the house and access the dog’s physical condition, which was in a terrible state. She was filthy and covered in excrement, so badly covered you could not tell that she was a white dog, she had sores all over and was so overweight she could barely walk.

The vet then called me and told me about the state of the home and the dog. The Spirit told me I needed to help this poor animal. So sight unseen, I decided to become a foster-mom. I didn’t even tell my husband. I met the vet and the caseworker at the gentleman’s house and the neighbors let us use their garden hose to give Shiloh a much needed bath. I called my husband and told him what I was doing and asked him to meet me there after he got off work. He just laughed at me and said ok.

After 3 hours of scrubbing the matted, smelly fur a different dog emerged. I was stunned, my husband was speechless. God works in mysterious ways. She bore a striking resemblance to the husky we had for 16 years.

Snow our 1st Husky is on the left, Shiloh the Wonder-Dog is on the Right.

The vet was amazed that she was still alive, considering the conditions of the home. It was so bad, the vet wore a mask and waders into the home to retrieve the dog’s crate. So from that point she was dubbed a Wonder-Dog.

Shiloh sat still through the 3 hour bath and seemed to enjoy the attention, but was so heavy she couldn’t climb into the backseat of my Kia Soul for me to take her to my farm. We had to lift her the 3 steps into my house when we got there.

We began the joyous journey of nursing Shiloh back to health. I say joyous because it is such a miracle to see the joy of life return to one of God’s creatures. Dog’s really do smile. To see actual wonder cross her face as she got healthy and explored the outdoors was such a gift to me. Again she earned her name as Shiloh the Wonder Dog. We walked 3 times a day, we enjoyed playing ball in the yard and chasing rabbits. Her wounds healed and she loved life on the farm. The vet was amazed at her progress. She went from 140 lbs to 85 lbs and had pep in her step again.

The elderly gentleman who owned Shiloh, loved her and she was his only companion for the 6 years after his wife passed away. He was heartbroken and fell into depression, suffered from PTSD and without family thought he had no resources to help him. His caseworker was able to get him the much needed treatment he needed and get him into an assisted living home where he now has a community who cares about him and he is doing so much better. He was unable to take Shiloh to the new place, so we became her forever home. We asked if he wanted to see her, but he didn’t want to confuse her. He was just happy that she was happy and taken care of.

Shiloh was a happy dog who never complained, but liked to talk, like most huskies do. We often had “conversations” about life on the sofa. After just over two years with us Shiloh crossed over the rainbow bridge yesterday. She will be missed, but I didn’t want her story to go untold. Had it not been for Compassion Coalition I would have missed this opportunity to make a difference in the life of this sweet doggie and the difference she made in my life is a blessing I will never forget.

Never pass up your opportunity to do good in this world. It will benefit you more than you can imagine.