Category: Uncategorized

Something In Me Broke Today

On By charminfothIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Video was shot and edited by Jarius Bush – Instagram  ⁨@JBush865⁩  Captions are auto-generated.

This video is of me reading Something In Me Broke today. It is a poem I wrote about 6 months after my husband died. It was one of the lowest points in my grief journey. I have since met many women who have struggled at that 6-month point. The place where the world seems to have moved on, but you are stuck. Why does the world get to move forward when your world was shattered? The pain is visceral. You feel it in every joint and muscle. It is unimaginable, but the only way out is through. Writing helped pull me out of those depths. It is my hope that by sharing, you will know you are not alone, and you can survive this. I read this poem in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day, because I survived. You can too. If you or someone you know is struggling and thinking of suicide, please call 988.

Here is the poem in written form:

Something In Me Broke Today
Today, something in me broke
I can’t pinpoint the moment
But it was soon after I awoke
The light was streaming in
But my heart was so alone
The light got brighter
But my heart did not get lighter
This struggle from the world I hide
Quietly trudging through life
Trying to survive
But I’m tired and tried
I move from one moment to the next
Feeling like I’m living in a lie
Somewhere out of time
Like walking through a river of molasses
I wish I could shake off whatever this darkness is
The dark calls my name
And I feel so much pain
I don’t have the strength to explain
All I want to do is curl into a ball and cry
But no one is here to comfort me, or even ask why
So I’ll paint on my smile, that doesn’t quite reach my eyes
And press on while I struggle and just wish I…
Had a shoulder where I could cry
Wasn’t alone in my life
Had the energy to continue to try
I want to die
I fight as my eyes begin to mist
Another cruel plot twist
No one should see me cry
Too much pain
Too much frustration
In my pit of loneliness, I lie
This is not my destination
I have known the pain of having no one
I know I am perilously broken
With sharp edges
The pain in my soul is deeply wedged in
No one wants to hear the dredges
Of my past again
I’m beat down
I can’t stand the sounds
That comes around
Reminding me
I am not the tree
Surviving season after season
I am the leaf, I reason
Soon to fall
As with age, life slowly drains
The falling and the pain
Dead Leaves crushed under heavy boots
Becoming fertilizer for old roots
But the seasons always change
And sunlight creates a new refrain
New growth comes from pain
But something in me broke today
Maybe to make room for a new way
to fight this darkness away
God, please just get through this day

Modern Dating Lessons: Assurance Testing in Relationships

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, life coaching, Love, Personality, Uncategorized1 Comment

I’ve been single for 5 years now. I didn’t even start to date until 2 years after Andy’s unexpected death. Over the last three years, I have conducted an anthropological study of dating in the modern world, of sorts. I don’t recommend it. It has taught me so much. I’ve learned who I am being single, living for myself, I know what I want. Most importantly I know what I need from a person for them to be MY PERSON.

The truth is, I’m happy being me and being single. I like me. It hasn’t always been that way. My story is not an easy one to tell, and maybe someday, I’ll share. Those are definitely tales for another day. I’m a work in progress; there is always room for growth.

Would I like to be in a relationship? Absolutely! Am I willing to let it destroy my peace? NO!

I’ve come to value peace, time, and treasure the important things. Life can change in an instant. Many of the lessons I use as a litmus test in dating come from my best friend of 26 years. Having been married to my best friend is both a blessing and a curse now that I’m single. I know the things I could have done better. I know what a good relationship acts like, what it feels like. That makes my tolerance for BS much lower. It also makes me see how most relationships today are not friendly ones. That’s sad, because that’s what makes it truly worth it. I’m grateful for what I’ve had.

One of the best lessons I learned in life actually came from Andy’s career. You see, one of his many jobs in the military was an electronics technician. They were constantly testing equipment to find what had failed and what needed to be made right. In so many ways, he applied that technique to our marriage and to our lives.

I remember one day I was doing laundry, and the start button on the washer fell inside the control panel. Andy happened to hear my few choice words and came to see what the problem was. He said the washer wasn’t beyond repair. He opened the control panel and found the right circuit and the remains of the now-defunct button. He resoldered the circuit so the current would flow where it needed to go. He created a workaround for the broken button. This memory makes me laugh. We had to use a long pencil with a soft eraser on the end to reach the on/off circuit. It worked; he repaired what was broken. Then he followed up, time and time again, to make sure his fixes held in place.

He called it assurance testing. He wanted to make sure the problem didn’t get worse. Checking that it didn’t need something more, that it was good. Most importantly that it was able to do what it was designed to do. We used that washer for years after that fix. As a matter of fact, when I sold our little farm, I was going to get rid of the washer. The couple that bought the house kept it. I had to write the instructions on the top of the washer. The pencil fix worked, and they continued to use it. That made my heart happy.

I apply this Assurance Testing to my life every day, not just in dating. But it may be the reason I’ll be single for the foreseeable future. This philosophy makes me a better person. It’s not about dating, it’s about life and how I do life. Yes, I want someone to share my life, the keyword is SHARE. It’s not about leading or being led. It’s about being best friends and doing life WITH someone. Someone who is invested in the relationship will check in. They will want to know that I am good, to make sure things aren’t coming undone. They will want to know if I need something to get through the day. They will want to encourage me and see that I’m living life to the best of my abilities. That’s what they will get from me, so it’s reciprocal. It’s a mutuality that makes relationships work; things can’t be all one-sided.

Another thing I learned while living with an electronics tech is about dirty power and bad data. Dirty power refers to high-frequency noise, interference, or other distortions that contaminate the standard AC power waveform, essentially “polluting” the power supply. This electrical pollution can lead to potential equipment malfunction, reduced efficiency, and, in some cases, has been known to affect health. Bad data is just what it sounds like: bad information. You’ve probably heard the phrase, garbage in, garbage out. That’s bad data.

My point here is that there are too many distractions, too much noise, and interference in modern romantic relationships, and it pollutes and corrupts rather than giving strength. Pay attention to where you get your information from…think about what the person is telling you. What do they have at stake? Are they just looking for more followers? Do they really have your best interests at heart? Is it hearsay or truth? Not everything you hear is real, especially on social media and with the rise of AI. Bad data in equals bad outcomes.

Make decisions for yourself. Make informed decisions. Listen to your gut. Focus on what you are putting into the relationship. If you are not getting that reciprocated, it’s time to examine that relationship and put that Assurance Test to work. Take an honest look at what the problem is. Talk about it. Can it be fixed? What do WE need to do differently? How can we keep this from happening again? What needs to happen to make it work as it was intended? It isn’t a me or a you thing; it has to be a we thing. 

Relationships can’t exist if only one person is working on it. That’s not a relationship, that’s a delusion, an idea of what you think a relationship should be. You can’t date someone for who you want them to be. They have to have the substance of what you need first. Know your worth, love yourself. Toxic people can do so much damage to your heart, the longer you give them access to you. No relationship is worth stealing your peace.

I’ve been told that I’m comparing relationships to a ghost, that I’m too picky, and I’m whatever. The fact is, if a man doesn’t check in with me, if he doesn’t care about what’s going on in my life enough to ask, how can he expect me to care about his life? If we aren’t checking in with each other, he won’t be there when bad things happen, and I won’t know if bad things are happening with him. And bad things will happen; that’s just a matter of time, they always do. I don’t want an after-the-fact type of relationship.

We all need people who are willing to stand in the gaps WITH us. In order to HAVE that, I believe you have to BE that.

So yeah, maybe I am too picky, but I have this crazy idea that relationships are meant to be more. Your person needs to be the best part of your daily life support system, and you need to be theirs; otherwise, what’s the point?

Keep on testing, friends; I’m going to give it a rest for a while. There has to be something better out there. 

AI Music and Me

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Humor, Poetry, Social Media, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Hey there, it’s been more than a minute since I’ve posted, and I apologize for not being present. Sometimes life happens, and things get away from you. Sometimes you learn lessons and move on. I wanted to share something fun with you.

A while back, a long-time friend asked me to share a couple of my poems with her. She was playing with AI and wanted to see what she could do with it. I was amazed at the results. I gave her a copy of the first poem I read on stage, Just Like the Tissue. Check out the video below and let me know what you think.

I thought it was funky and cool.

Here’s the link to the original reading.

I’m learning, if there is something you want to try, be it poetry, learning a new skill, climbing mountains, or playing with AI, just do it. Life is too short for regrets. Enjoy the time you have.

Be blessed.

The Dastardly Ds

On By charminfothIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Throughout my life, I have struggled with letters, numbers, lefts, and rights. I have both Dyslexia and Dyscalculia. Many people see it as a defect or a disability, often treating those who think and see things differently as less intelligent. I have learned to see it as a different way of thinking and seeing the world. I believe it is why I excelled at art, sewing, woodworking, and a variety of other things. Quite often, I tend to see patterns, angles, and spacing easier than letters and numbers.

The definitions for both of the Dastardly Ds according to the British Dyslexia Association, are below:

Dyslexia is a learning difficulty that primarily affects the skills involved in accurate and fluent word reading and spelling. Characteristic features of dyslexia are difficulties in phonological awareness, verbal memory, and verbal processing speed.

Dyscalculia is a specific and persistent difficulty in understanding numbers which can lead to a diverse range of difficulties with mathematics. It occurs across all ages and abilities.

I struggled as a student, I had to work twice as hard to compensate for something I couldn’t explain.

When learning to write, the letters p, q, d, and b were my absolute enemies. Learning numbers, I hated the numbers 6 and 9, 3 and 8. I remember being in 3rd grade and learning about time. When they asked me to draw a clock I drew it backwards, over and over again. I didn’t understand why they didn’t see it the same as me. It was 1973 in rural Kentucky, and my teachers, at the time, didn’t quite know how to help me. It wasn’t until I got a Goofy watch in high school (that ran backward) that I could tell you what time it was without making my head hurt.

I love literature. In 5th grade, my teacher read to us every day. I loved that time of the day. I easily got swept away in a story and it is why I love telling stories now.

But, I hated the time of the day when she made each of us read aloud. I often read lines backward, from the bottom of a paragraph to the top, or skip lines completely. I had to hand it to her, she was patient with me, even though it took me twice as long to read and comprehend as everyone else in the room. She let me work it out. My classmates were not as understanding. Still, through all that, I developed a love of the written word.

In high school, typing was a struggle and I barely passed the class. When computers took over the world, around 1986, I was determined to overcome my fear of the keyboard. The struggle was getting the written word into text on a screen. I found that typing from memory or audio was much easier for me. I didn’t have to think about what I was seeing, the muscle memory, knowing where the keys were did the work. The last time I took a keyboarding test, I typed around 80 words per minute without mistakes.

Because of the dyslexia, I developed terrible test anxiety. Because of the dyscalculia, I had a horrific time with math, and algebra was a nightmare. So, those scholastic tests would make me physically ill by the time they were over. Dyslexia also makes it hard to learn foreign languages, as both my high school French teacher and my bonus daughter in Germany can attest.

I found it interesting that I excelled in geometry, because of its visual nature. I did well with drafting and art because I could visualize space and understood color blending. I am mechanically inclined because I can see how things fit and work together.

As an adult, it took me a long time to be comfortable knowing I was different. I became a life-long learner, avid reader, and a bit of a techie nerd. To learn something I wanted to know I had to be ok with reading slower to comprehend, to absorb more. I learned that I had to pay closer attention to the details and to what was going on around me. I found out that I am not alone. Many people struggle like me. I also learned that many dyslexics have strengths in other areas, such as design, problem-solving, creative skills, interactive skills, and oral skills, people like the Wright brothers, Einstein, Richard Branson, and Cher. Not bad company to be in.

Over many decades, I learned ways to work smarter and play to my strengths. When I was younger and worked in a screen printing shop, I could read the negatives, upsidedown and in reverse, and often caught things before they went to press.

I have learned to navigate in a world that expects everything in an instant. I have never been one to let someone tell me I can’t do something. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. Life is about learning to play to your strengths.

I still struggle at times and I still get test anxiety. Challenges can loom over you like a dark cloud, I know to pay extra attention especially when I am nervous, hurried, or tired. Occasionally when all three take place at once, it creates a perfect storm for me, and I shut down. I will deflect it with humor or bite back with anger. Knowing that about myself helps me be aware, so those instances happen less often. But it still happens.

Most people would never know about my dyslexia or dyscalculia unless I shared that information. My point is, that you never know what someone else’s struggles may be. It is easy to become impatient with people when you are in “go” mode and the world demands things instantaneously. It is often harder to offer grace to something you don’t see or understand. Be kind in a world that is harsh.

Something New and Something Old – A Poetry Reading

On By charminfothIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

The boldness in me is growing. I once again took the small stage at Central Cinema for the Knoxville Poetry open mic. It is such a welcoming place, a place to learn and explore who you are, where you are encouraged to speak your mind, your truth, your musings, and your dreams. It is a fun night filled with humor, encouragement, and acceptance. The second Wednesday of the month has become a sacred space for many. You should join me some night.

A friend videoed my shade and humor tonight. I will warn you, there is graphic language, so this is not a post for my gentler reader, just a forewarning for the video. 

I never asked you
Read at the Knoxville Poetry Slam, August, 2023

I never asked you
Because friendship was enough

I never asked you
Because you had it rough

I never asked you
For more

I never asked you 
To be sure

I never asked you
For a relationship

I never asked you
To be whipped

I never asked you
To give me anything

I never asked you
To be my well spring

I never asked you
To matter

I never asked you 
To be better

I never asked you 
To be mine

I never asked you
Because you needed more time

I never asked you
To care

I never asked you 
To be there

I never asked you 
To be with me

I never asked you
To bend a knee

I never asked you 
To be my home

I never asked you 
To keep me from being alone

I never asked you 
To be something you are not

I never asked you
Because I cared a lot

I never asked you
Because I knew you did not

I never asked you 
Because I wouldn’t lie

I never asked you 
Because of your pride

I never asked you
Because we weren’t a team

I never asked you
Because I’m more than just  a dream

I never asked you 
Because you didn’t want me

I never asked you
Because it will never be

I never asked you
Because I need an equal

I never asked you
Because I’m better than a sequel

I never asked you 
Because I need to be chased

I never asked you
Because I knew it was a waste

I never asked you 
Because I’m not on the fence

I never asked you
Because of your arrogance

I never asked you
for your rebirth

I never asked you 
Because I know my true worth