Have you ever felt like you were standing at a crossroads and unsure which road to take? Have you noticed signs along the way? Much like trying to see a street sign in a snowstorm, I can’t see the direction in my life in this season. I’m standing still looking at the crossroad, scratching my head.

Seasons of change are sometimes difficult, but that’s where the growth happens. I have survived so many seasons of trouble in my life, and most have changed me in one way or another. Even the heartbreaking times have made me a better person. It seems strange to say, but I am thankful for all of it, the heartbreak included.

Of course, it is hard to see the growth as you go through the pain, but the seed has to break before it can grow. This mindset isn’t one I’ve always had. I think wisdom comes with maturity, but only if you are willing to learn from your experiences and not repeat them. Does that make the experiences any less trying? No. What makes the difference is how you manage yourself during the trying time. I think it comes down to attitude, I feel I have come through unbelievable struggle with joy and a positive attitude. I like to think that has made my burdens easier to bear.

I have always thought of joy as something that comes from God. Happiness is on your face, but joy is in your heart and shows in your eyes. Joy can exist alongside other emotions. It is the ability to be at peace amid struggle. I am blessed to have that peace no matter what the future might hold. That does not mean that I don’t occasionally have anxiety and worry too much. I do. Those are the times when my joy coexists with other warring emotions.

This season of my life is one of rediscovery and exploration. I feel at ease with who I am, and what I want. I love the person I am, and even though I am far from perfect, I have come to embrace my imperfections. There is a blessing in loving ourselves for who we are, and where we are, and striving to be the person God would have us to be. You can’t truly love someone else unless you love yourself.

I have found that it is ok if I don’t please everyone, or fit into the box of what others think I should be. I am uniquely me and I appreciate people who recognize that and let me be me. By the same token, I appreciate people who are their authentic selves. A true relationship happens when you accept someone as they are without trying to conform them to the idea you have of them. People who do that; lift and encourage you when you need it most. They are the people who are unconditionally in your corner. Those are the people who give me energy and bring me joy and I have been very blessed to have that in my life.

I know I can be difficult at times, I own that. I am a contradiction in terms at best, both sweet and spicy at times, but I strive for honesty always. My beliefs are strong, but I don’t push my views on others. I believe in leading by example and caring for those around me. I believe energy is exchanged between people, so I tend to avoid negative people because I don’t want to become negative myself.

I delight in simple pleasures, music, flowers, sunsets, walks in the park, and meals shared with friends. Money doesn’t impress me, what impresses me is how someone treats others. I think a clear sign of a bad person is how they treat the people who serve them.

I believe that communication is the key that unlocks every door. However, some doors are locked for a reason, and some doors are nailed shut, those are not the doors for me. Just because a door is there, it’s your choice to walk through it. There are answers to questions that offer direction. It is up to you the direction you go with the information that is presented to you.

I tend to be a straightforward communicator and I long for that type of communication in return. I like things laid out in simple, straightforward terms. I don’t do drama or play mind games. Tell me what your expectations are if it is in my wheelhouse to meet those expectations, I’ll let you know. It seems simple. Yet, somehow it never is.

Not everyone knows how to communicate in those terms. Some people have never had that luxury (and I do think it is a luxury to be able to communicate exactly what you think to someone and be your unfiltered self). I know direct communication can feel like confrontation and some people aren’t comfortable with that feeling of confrontation. Some people fear being judged for what they think, so they won’t communicate what they need. There are so many facets to good communication.

I think that’s why it’s hard to see the signposts for what could be next. There aren’t a lot of people who are willing to communicate on the level I need. I prefer my GPS to give me directions before I make the turn because sometimes I doubt myself. The street signs can be nonexistent and the signals can be hard to read.

Face it, people can be confusing. In a world of ever-changing social cues, it is hard to navigate what people want and what they expect. I have long believed that unexpressed expectations are the downfall of any kind of relationship, yet it seems that everyone expects something. You can not control what others expect of you. If they can’t communicate those expectations, that’s on them.

If you are struggling like me, the only advice I can give is to aim to be the best communicator you can be. Be honest about your boundaries, and where you stand. Ask questions when you doubt, be truthful, and let people’s expectations fall where they may.

While I don’t know what my future holds, I know who holds my future.
In the meantime, I’ll take my wisdom in the form of a song. A Better Man by my favorite blues man, Keb’ Mo’, says this:

Maybe I'm not supposed to know

Maybe I'm supposed to cry

And if nobody ever knows the way I feel

That's all right, that's okay

Yeah, I'm gonna make my world a better place

I'm gonna keep that smile on my face

I'm gonna teach myself how to understand

I'm gonna make myself a better (wo)man

As for the signposts along the way, I’ll keep my eyes and heart open and see what happens. If you need me, I’ll be standing at the crossroads, waiting, it’s alright, it’s ok.

Thanks for reading.