When chaos is all you have ever known, it feels like it’s just your lot in life. It seems impossible to break free. Peace is a concept that is hard to grasp in that space. Good feels uncomfortable, like something you will never be worthy of. Fear sounds like the voice of reason. Fear sounds like good advice and risk management. It has prevented me from embracing opportunities. Bear Grylls said, “Without risk, there can be no growth.” 

Don’t get me wrong, your fight, flight, or freeze instincts are there for a good reason. Fear is a protective measure at times. Those instincts propelled our civilization forward and kept us from extinction. 

Oftentimes, though, our past experiences creep into our minds. The still small voice of God is overtaken by the demons of our anxieties, tormentors, and negative self-talk. We create an inner critic who creates a shame-based belief system. We develop all-or-nothing thinking: “I made one mistake, I’m so stupid.” We overgeneralize things: “This always happens to me, I’ll never amount to anything.” We catastrophize things: “If I show them the real me, something awful will come of it.” We try to mind-read a situation, saying things like, “They are just being nice because they pity me.” We personalize things: “This is all my fault, I should have prevented it.” 

These lies become our truth and keep us rooted in misguided thoughts and fear. Sometimes we become so rooted in these beliefs that we let the goodness God has for us pass by us. We refuse the possibility that God has better plans for us. We become defeated before we ever get out of the gate. We unconsciously create self-fulfilling prophecies where relationships, jobs, or business opportunities are shut down because our negative self-beliefs sabotage us.

The things God intends for you eventually come to pass. This belief holds, IF you can let go and trust in God’s plan. God has repeatedly put things or people in my path that I let pass by out of fear. I was too afraid to take the risk. Years later, the same situation came up. By then, my faith in His plan far outweighed my fear, so I opened myself up to the risk. What God had for me was better than I could have imagined.

When you live in constant chaos, your senses become desensitized and normalize the chaos. Your brain tells you, this is how it is, this is how we live. You lose hope and accept what your brain tells you. You no longer believe change is possible. Chaos becomes your comfort zone.

An old adage says, “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” Meaning someone may prefer a difficult situation over an unknown one, even if the unknown one is better. The familiar feels predictable and safer, even if it is flawed. People fear uncertainty, and they allow that fear to rule their lives. 

Science tells us that our response is often a normal result of trauma. Things we’ve racked up to poor decisions may have actually been our body’s response to trauma. These responses could relate to traumas that were never resolved in our lives. Trauma from childhood or relationships that we thought were long since over affects us daily. It creeps into our thought process without our even being aware of it. We are at home in the chaos and don’t even see it. 

Emotional safety allows us to reset the pattern and to heal. But what does that even look like? Have you ever felt emotionally safe with someone? It is a sense of being secure, accepted, and valued in a relationship or environment. There is no fear of being judged, shamed, manipulated, dismissed, or punished for your thoughts, feelings, needs, or mistakes. When you feel emotionally safe, you can be honest, vulnerable, and authentic. 

Trust, respect, stability, and non-judgment are crucial elements. Communication, support, empathy, and freedom also play parts in creating a space where there is emotional safety. When those elements are lacking, you will feel anxious, guarded, silenced, or on edge, like you are walking on eggshells.

Many people think that by avoiding conflict, they can create a safe space. However, creating a steady environment where people know they are respected, heard, and secure is what creates a safe space. Avoiding conflict creates a quiet type of harm. Avoidance teaches people that your needs aren’t important. You lose your boundaries and respect. Resentment builds, and you no longer feel seen or understood. 

There will always be conflict in life. Building a relationship where you feel emotionally safe gives you the tools to handle disagreements. You learn to protect dignity and emotional security. It fosters connection while still addressing the conflict. The goal isn’t to avoid the issue but to navigate it without fear, hostility, or harm. Strive for understanding, not the win. Understanding builds where judgment tears down.

Coming from a life of chaos, I had to learn to calm my anxiety and fear. I need predictability; I had to create consistency in my life—consistent tone, reactions, and behaviors. I need clear boundaries, known expectations, and routine. I also require calm communication. Screaming, yelling, lies, and blame immediately put me on edge. I need honest but gentle communication. I need time and quiet to process my thoughts. It took me years to learn this about myself. I realized that if I required those things, I also had to give them in return. Life lessons always require you to put what you learn into action. 

Another trigger for me, and many others, is statements that begin with you always or you never, or you make me…I am allowed to feel however I feel. I do not have the right or the power to make anyone feel any kind of way. Their feelings are their choice, just as mine are my choice. 

I am a very non-judgmental person because I was so judged as a child. I know this about myself. Words were weapons in my home. Therefore, it is hard for me to bear using words to shame, mock, belittle, or threaten someone. That taught me the gift of acceptance. I accept people as they are. I can usually see where someone is coming from, even if I don’t agree with them. That is where the rubber really meets the road in creating a chaos-free environment. 

Understanding that people may hold different viewpoints or beliefs is essential. Getting along despite differences is something the world has forgotten how to do. People should be able to express their feelings without fear of retaliation in a relationship. They should not fear emotional withdrawal or rejection from people they care about. 

Oftentimes, relationships (especially romantic ones) are the hardest places to share feelings. As humans, we sometimes feel the need to keep score of perceived wrongs. We might try to manipulate or guilt-trip people into thinking as we do. We think it validates us when validation is unnecessary. People are allowed to have their own thoughts and feelings. I am not required to agree with them. That is ok. Stranger still, we can still be friends. What an amazing concept!

Leaving the chaos that feels like comfort can be scary. There is deep peace in trusting that God’s plans for you are greater than your own.

It starts with you. Learn to recognize your own triggers. Pay attention to what makes you feel uncomfortable or anxious. Utilize grounding techniques like taking a step back when things get heated. Be self-aware and avoid unloading your chaos onto others. Start with an attitude of gratitude, celebrate small wins, and personal strengths. Create patterns of praise, check-ins, prayers, meditation, or reflective times, show appreciation often, and make time for rest. 
If you’re ready to break old patterns and build a life grounded in peace and purpose, I’m here to help. Email charminfoth@gmail.com to schedule a coaching session, or visit my website charminfoth.com.