Category: Faith

The Sea of Overthinking

On By charminfothIn encouragement, FaithLeave a comment

I think at one time or another we have all been guilty of overthinking. I know I have set sail on the Sea of Overthinking many, many times.

We try to process what a situation, turn of a phrase, or action from another means, and what the intention of another was toward us. Our minds spin with “What did this mean,” or “Why did they say that?”

When I was younger I spent so much of my energy trying to figure out why someone behaved this way or that way toward me. I built up expectations and scenarios in my head that were so far from the truth. I would have whole conversations in my head with people, what I would say if I could, and how they would react. I had everything mapped out in my brain for what I thought it should be. In reality, the conversations never went as I expected. In most cases, it went far better than I ever expected.

It took me years to learn that the energy I was using to overthink things was misguided. Twenty-six years in a relationship with a chronic overthinker taught me so many life lessons. I like to think it made us better people by learning the lessons together. We had both been in a sea of overthought expectations for a long time before we met. We were stuck by how other people had hurt and failed us in one way or another. We both struggled with past trauma. Some hurt was of our own making, some not, and all had anchored in our souls and prevented us from moving forward.

Looking at the course of my life, with all its twists and turns, I am always amazed and grateful that I am here. I believe that God places people in your life for a reason and a season. Not all are meant to be there for life, but the lessons they leave with you during that season are invaluable. It is up to you to be grateful for the lesson or let it eat away at your peace. I choose to be grateful for every lesson life has sent my way.

So for a season, I was sent a man who was as broken as I was, and we helped each other heal. Together, we learned that communication is what guides the boat to the safety of the shore and forgiveness is what pulls up the anchors and sets you free to move forward.

Neither of us liked being unsure of ourselves or feeling insecure, overthinking was a form of fear we hated admitting. So, we struck a bargain (we actually struck up several bargains that first year, but that’s for another time). If we were unsure of what the other meant by something we would ask. It seems so simple but it was so life-changing.

We also agreed to check each other when we would notice the other was overthinking. There were times when I would hear, “Tell me what’s going on?” and I would cringe because I knew we were about to have a conversation I needed to have. I would say, “I’m fine, and he would tell me “Fine is one of the 7 circles of Hell.” “Fine” was never the right answer, so that’s where the conversation would start. You see, I’m a little hard-headed and sometimes I needed someone to just be straight with me, to pull me out of my own headspace.

By the same token, when he was overthinking, he would divert the question and talk about everything except what I had asked him. When that happened, I’d just say “OK, what’s up, let’s talk about it.” It wasn’t always an easy conversation, but it was always a conversation worth having. We learned that we were safe spaces for each other.

This is one of the best lessons, learning it was ok to ask questions. I learned asking questions shows someone you care and you want to better understand them.

I shouldn’t be amazed that God knows what He is doing, yet I always am. You see broken pieces can fit together in ways we never expect and when it happens it is a beautiful thing.

I often think of my life as a mosaic. Little pieces of brightly colored tile or glass, pieced together again and again after every break. Each break is different than the break before, but every time coming together to create a more detailed version than I was the season before. All life’s lessons lead you to where you are at this very moment.

I still overthink things, I’m still hard-headed, and I still need to hear from friends that I’m in my own head. When it happens I’ve learned to get quiet and listen to that still small voice. In the quiet, the chaos falls away. That still small voice deep inside is not one of chaos, it is one of calm and peace, it never berates me or makes me feel less than, it whispers “You are enough.” That voice reminds me to ask questions where and when they are needed for clarity and not operate from a place of doubt and fear. I have learned to welcome discerning questions from those close to me because it shows they want to know more about what’s going on with me.

The practice of asking for clarity doesn’t happen overnight and it can be difficult at times. I believe it is worth it, there is freedom that comes from not overthinking things. You learn to trade expectations for gratitude. What ifs change from a negative thought to a positive thought. The energy you once used spinning in your own mind is replaced by peace, you breathe easier, and you feel lighter.

My prayer for you tonight is that you feel peace.

Thanks for reading.

Being Brave

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Poetry1 Comment

I have ruminated on this post for quite some time. I have often been told I was brave, but I have never, ever viewed myself as brave. So my question is, what do you consider brave?

Miriam Webster defines bravery as the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty: the quality or state of being brave: COURAGE.

I feel guilty saying this (and I pray I don’t jinx myself), but my life right now, at this moment, is easier than it has ever been. That is not an exaggeration, it is a blessing from God. I have a nice place to live, a dependable car, a job I love, people who care about me, food on my table, and clean clothes. I am so thankful for all I have been blessed with, I am awed by it.

My life has not been an easy one, but with every trial, there is a testimony. I believe in the power of testimony, I believe my truths help others so they don’t have the same struggles I’ve had. I believe shared wisdom is shared wealth. Not a monetary wealth that can be gone in an instant but a wealth of spirit that money can’t provide.

I’ve never been monetarily wealthy, but I’ve walked along the French Rivera and through the streets of Rome and Barcelona. I’m not famous, but I’ve been on television. I’m not an author, but you are reading my work. I’m not lonely, but in the quiet times, I’m alone.

Just because you don’t have doesn’t mean you will never get. God places things in our path, people, opportunities, experiences, etc. for a reason or a season. If I choose to ignore the possibilities of what’s in front of me because of what is behind me, I stay rooted in fear. So then, am I brave for moving forward?

I wrote a poem about bravery for a local poetry night and I really struggled with sharing it. I felt as if I was opening a door screaming, “Poor me, look what I’ve been through.” That’s not it at all, it’s just me showing my scars and battle wounds, saying, “See, I’ve healed, you can, too.” The scars remind us where we’ve been, and are a testimony to our resilience, but they shouldn’t hold us back, so here’s me showing my scars.

Being Brave

Bravery is not
What I see in me, you see

I was told I was brave
When I was adopted at 4

I was told I was brave
for starting in a new school in a new town

I was told I was brave
telling an adult what happened

I was told I was brave
running away from it happening again

I was told I was brave
standing up for myself

I was told I was brave
standing in front of a judge

I was told I was brave
for art school instead of college

I was told I was brave
leaving a hospital a widow at 19

I was told I was brave 
moving where no one knew me

I was told I was brave
leaving abusive relationships
again, again, and again

I was told I was brave 
transferring jobs 

I was told I was brave
marrying again

I was told I was brave
leaving everything behind

I was told I was brave
seeking help

I was told I was brave
going to therapy and sharing

I was told I was brave
marrying into the military 

I was told I was brave
traveling alone to a strange country

I was told I was brave
teaching a class

I was told I was brave
volunteering my time

I was told I was brave 
changing careers

I was told I was brave
writing 

I was told I was brave
acting

I was told I was brave
leaving another hospital a widow at 55

I was told I was brave
handling it all with grace

I was told I was brave
dating again

I was told I was brave
standing on this stage

I was told I was brave
with purple hair

I was told I was brave
showing my scars 

I was told I was brave
for so many things

I was told I was brave
Surviving

I was told I was brave
but  I'm not

I was told I was brave

Sometimes being brave is just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Everyone has troubled times. There is nothing special about me, other than I am a child of God, created to share love and be loved. What else do I need? Life is good. Be brave.

Thanks for reading.

Music and Me

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith1 Comment

Music has always touched a place in my soul that most of the world can’t reach. It touches that part of me that I try to keep under lock and key, the parts I rarely let others see.

Music is the soothing of the savage beast and lifting of my spirit and setting it free. I am not musical in any sense of the word, yet I appreciate it in ways I feel in the core of my being. It seems strange to say but there have been times when the music was a lifeline. Music seemed to be the only thing that kept me grounded on this earth.

Depression is not something I talk about often, but at this time of year it can’t be ignored. This time of year is especially, is hard for me, as it is for many people. There are so many memories associated with the season.

For me, it is all of December, not only Christmas. Andy and I met in December, his birthday is in December one of my most cherished memories is the 2000 New Year’s Eve. So the loneliness hits harder, making me long for physical touch and true human connection more than ever. At the same time, I feel if someone truly held me close I’d crumple into a mess of carefully held together emotions that no one could bear to experience. I’m a walking oxymoron.

I was recently talking with a dear friend about depression and its demonic grip on the soul. That conversation had me looking at my life without the rose colored glasses we tend to see our past through. I have had some very dark seasons in my life, seasons that left me broken and at the time I thought shattered beyond repair.

I don’t lean on medication when my depression hits, I lean on music, friends, therapy and most of all God. I’m not saying don’t take meds, I’m just saying that’s not my path. Everyone has to find what works for them. If you are experiencing darkness at this time of year, you are not alone. Talk with someone you trust, find a counselor. If the feelings become overwhelming dial or text 988 for the suicide hotline.

I realized that the times when my life seemed the darkest, the hardest to bear, the most lonely were the season of my life where the music had disappeared and went unheard. I believe the God touches our soul with tinkling bells and tender notes that speak to our entire mind with a healing in a way nothing else does. The music you love moves you.

Studies have shown that music lowers stress. People who listen to positive upbeat music manage their emotions better and recover from stress faster. There have also been studies showing it improves memory function. One study even found that music can help manage pain.

According to ucf.edu/pegasus/your-brain-on-music/ music can change your ability to perceive time, reduce seizures, make you a better communicator, make you stronger, boost your immune system, assist in repairing brain damage, make you smarter, evoke memories and more. Music can release dopamine and give you a euphoric feeling better than drugs. The benefits of music goes on and on.

Not so long ago, I was going through the motions of what I thought people expected of me. Blinded by the past and paralyzed by the thought of a future alone, unable to be in the present moment. Inside I felt alone and dark, there was no light, just blackness.

I heard a guitar from across the way and it was as if the music flipped a switch inside my soul. In an instant there was light, and I remembered who I am. Now, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I’ve done a lot of work on me. The music gave me the boost I needed to break through the fog and it encourages me every day.

I’m still working on just being in the present. I am learning how to live each day as it comes and I am thankful, so very thankful for the music.

There is a Bonnie Raitt tune, “Just Like That” and it has a verse that immediately hit home with me. 

I spent so long in darkness
Never thought the night would end
But somehow grace has found me
And I had to let him in.

Dear reader, just know it is ok to hurt, it is ok to feel all the feelings, you are never alone. We all hurt and while everything may look great on the surface, other people are hurting too, so be kind.

Love and peace to you.

Seasons and Sign Posts

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Love, PersonalityLeave a comment

Have you ever felt like you were standing at a crossroads and unsure which road to take? Have you noticed signs along the way? Much like trying to see a street sign in a snowstorm, I can’t see the direction in my life in this season. I’m standing still looking at the crossroad, scratching my head.


Seasons of change are sometimes difficult, but that’s where the growth happens. I have survived so many seasons of trouble in my life, and most have changed me in one way or another. Even the heartbreaking times have made me a better person. It seems strange to say, but I am thankful for all of it, the heartbreak included.

Of course, it is hard to see the growth as you go through the pain, but the seed has to break before it can grow. This mindset isn’t one I’ve always had. I think wisdom comes with maturity, but only if you are willing to learn from your experiences and not repeat them. Does that make the experiences any less trying? No. What makes the difference is how you manage yourself during the trying time. I think it comes down to attitude, I feel I have come through unbelievable struggle with joy and a positive attitude. I like to think that has made my burdens easier to bear.

I have always thought of joy as something that comes from God. Happiness is on your face, but joy is in your heart and shows in your eyes. Joy can exist alongside other emotions. It is the ability to be at peace amid struggle. I am blessed to have that peace no matter what the future might hold. That does not mean that I don’t occasionally have anxiety and worry too much. I do. Those are the times when my joy coexists with other warring emotions.

This season of my life is one of rediscovery and exploration. I feel at ease with who I am, and what I want. I love the person I am, and even though I am far from perfect, I have come to embrace my imperfections. There is a blessing in loving ourselves for who we are, and where we are, and striving to be the person God would have us to be. You can’t truly love someone else unless you love yourself.

I have found that it is ok if I don’t please everyone, or fit into the box of what others think I should be. I am uniquely me and I appreciate people who recognize that and let me be me. By the same token, I appreciate people who are their authentic selves. A true relationship happens when you accept someone as they are without trying to conform them to the idea you have of them. People who do that; lift and encourage you when you need it most. They are the people who are unconditionally in your corner. Those are the people who give me energy and bring me joy and I have been very blessed to have that in my life.

I know I can be difficult at times, I own that. I am a contradiction in terms at best, both sweet and spicy at times, but I strive for honesty always. My beliefs are strong, but I don’t push my views on others. I believe in leading by example and caring for those around me. I believe energy is exchanged between people, so I tend to avoid negative people because I don’t want to become negative myself.

I delight in simple pleasures, music, flowers, sunsets, walks in the park, and meals shared with friends. Money doesn’t impress me, what impresses me is how someone treats others. I think a clear sign of a bad person is how they treat the people who serve them.

I believe that communication is the key that unlocks every door. However, some doors are locked for a reason, and some doors are nailed shut, those are not the doors for me. Just because a door is there, it’s your choice to walk through it. There are answers to questions that offer direction. It is up to you the direction you go with the information that is presented to you.

I tend to be a straightforward communicator and I long for that type of communication in return. I like things laid out in simple, straightforward terms. I don’t do drama or play mind games. Tell me what your expectations are if it is in my wheelhouse to meet those expectations, I’ll let you know. It seems simple. Yet, somehow it never is.

Not everyone knows how to communicate in those terms. Some people have never had that luxury (and I do think it is a luxury to be able to communicate exactly what you think to someone and be your unfiltered self). I know direct communication can feel like confrontation and some people aren’t comfortable with that feeling of confrontation. Some people fear being judged for what they think, so they won’t communicate what they need. There are so many facets to good communication.

I think that’s why it’s hard to see the signposts for what could be next. There aren’t a lot of people who are willing to communicate on the level I need. I prefer my GPS to give me directions before I make the turn because sometimes I doubt myself. The street signs can be nonexistent and the signals can be hard to read.

Face it, people can be confusing. In a world of ever-changing social cues, it is hard to navigate what people want and what they expect. I have long believed that unexpressed expectations are the downfall of any kind of relationship, yet it seems that everyone expects something. You can not control what others expect of you. If they can’t communicate those expectations, that’s on them.

If you are struggling like me, the only advice I can give is to aim to be the best communicator you can be. Be honest about your boundaries, and where you stand. Ask questions when you doubt, be truthful, and let people’s expectations fall where they may.

While I don’t know what my future holds, I know who holds my future.
In the meantime, I’ll take my wisdom in the form of a song. A Better Man by my favorite blues man, Keb’ Mo’, says this:

Maybe I'm not supposed to know

Maybe I'm supposed to cry

And if nobody ever knows the way I feel

That's all right, that's okay

Yeah, I'm gonna make my world a better place

I'm gonna keep that smile on my face

I'm gonna teach myself how to understand

I'm gonna make myself a better (wo)man

As for the signposts along the way, I’ll keep my eyes and heart open and see what happens. If you need me, I’ll be standing at the crossroads, waiting, it’s alright, it’s ok.

Thanks for reading.

Perfection Is An Illusion

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Love, NeighboringLeave a comment

When you think of perfection, what does your mind’s eye conjure up?

Models, movie stars, mean girls, men climbing the corporate ladder, I could go on and on. Or maybe it’s the negative side of self-talk you feed yourself. I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, tall enough, dark enough, light enough, whatever you tell yourself when you feel you don’t measure up.

As women, we tend to compare ourselves to whoever is trending, what Hollywood look is in, or sometimes just who is prevalent in our own circles of connection. Men wrestle with self-esteem issues, too.

I think we do ourselves a disservice when we compare ourselves to others. The judgment we pile onto ourselves and others because they don’t look or think a certain way weighs us down in ways we aren’t even aware of. I see people spew hate and discontent because they aren’t happy with themselves. Those people in turn feel the need to make others feel as discontented as they are. They long for people to see the world through the same scarred lenses they do.

There is a story in the Bible where Saul becomes Paul. Specifically where the scales fall from his eyes and he can see again. He is a changed man, a new man. He no longer looks at the world in the same way. Acts 9:18 “Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again.”

I think we all have times in our lives when the scales have to be removed from our eyes and we can see life differently, we become forever changed. Saul was a terrible person, he did horrific things, but God changed him and used him in ways he could never imagine.

Oftentimes we trudge along through life seeing only one way. We judge how our lives could have been or should have been because we were told it should be this or that. Maybe we compare it to what we see our neighbors have. We struggle to make ours just like theirs because it looks perfect to us. However, we only see one side of things. What happens on the other side may be a whole different picture. It isn’t until something upsets the view that we come away seeing things differently.

We have to stop looking for perfection and realize we are all God’s handiwork. The stitching may appear haphazard, but when you flip the tapestry over, it’s beautiful, it’s what God sees as perfect. Our eyes do not see things the same way.

When I was much younger I felt so detached from everything, my family life was estranged, my self-esteem was nonexistent, and I believed I deserved every bad thing that came my way. And believe me a lot of bad came my way. I put myself directly in the middle of the wrong path, thinking I could never be anything else. I thought I was damaged beyond repair. I could never obtain anything close to perfection.

Then someone told me God doesn’t make junk, but people do. We make piles and piles of junk every day with the criticism and pain we heap upon each other and ourselves as we strive for perfection that doesn’t exist. Perfection is only an illusion created by a comparison we create.

Imagine how boring the world would be if we were all alike. I want to be the brightly colored thread in the tapestry I referenced earlier. On the underside, I am knotted and pieced together, but on the upper side, I am the strand that helps pull it all together and enriches all of the strands that surround me.

You can’t make a beautiful tapestry with one thread of the same color and thickness, it takes many strands all woven together to make it beautiful. We all have our own unique talents and gifts to bring to the party of life. Don’t compare your gifts or your story to another, you were put in place to come alongside someone who needs your gifts and your story as much as you need to share it. It is by sharing we make each other beautiful and perfect in God’s eyes.

How do we stop striving to be something we aren’t? Or stop emulating someone’s shallow persona? How do we learn to just be who we are?

I believe we are here to show kindness and love, to come alongside each other, and to help each other get through every day as it comes. I know this sounds utopian, and you don’t have to share my beliefs or even agree with me, but I hope you pull something positive from this.

Trust me I am far from perfect. I just know for me, when I stopped searching for perfection, I found myself. And, even with all my imperfections, I like who I am. I actually think all my imperfections make me a little more interesting. There is good and bad in everyone, I pray every day, that my good outweighs my bad.

Be blessed, gentle reader.