Category: encouragement

Ghosts of the Past

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Love, PoetryLeave a comment

A poem by Charmin Foth

Video – the trial run of the poem before heading to the poetry slam.

Ghosts of the Past (updated as it was spoken at the Knoxville Poetry Slam on 10-11-23

Viciously propelled back 

Time stands dead still

I feel attacked

Is this ghost of you from my past real?

Seeing you through the eyes of the girl I once was 

My heart shatters the ceiling 

Electric Shock

My brain is abuzz

My world rocked

I’m Physically reeling 

My Venom and butterflies

These feelings coincide

Mercury running through my veins

It all seems so ill-advised

A dreadful pull and a violent push

A rush

An obliterated crush

A Terror and Triumph

Yet a gut punch with an audible oomph

I try to contain

My spinning brain

How

After so many years

Why now

I was thankful you were in my rearview

Yet there you are, this is too bizarre 

Here stands the ghost of you 

Alongside the real me

Remembering the ghost of you

Hit by a tree

Pleading on bended knee

The good, the bad

The black and the blue

The danger of you

The stranger

I became to myself

My tortured mental health

All the heart-wrenching pain

The exhausted drain

All the tries

All the lies

Calling the law 

The last straw

The hard-fought healing

The struggle for growth

The inevitable rebirth

Into the person I am now

The ghost of me is long gone

On the horizon is a new brilliant dawn

A stronger woman fills the space

and Leaves behind the hate

Never traveling backwards

Always pressing forward

The struggle that nearly killed me built my character

My tale of woe becomes an encourager

Your ghost has been exorcized

And is finally gone

Step into the warm sunshine of a new dawn

Perfection Is An Illusion

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Love, NeighboringLeave a comment

When you think of perfection, what does your mind’s eye conjure up?

Models, movie stars, mean girls, men climbing the corporate ladder, I could go on and on. Or maybe it’s the negative side of self-talk you feed yourself. I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, tall enough, dark enough, light enough, whatever you tell yourself when you feel you don’t measure up.

As women, we tend to compare ourselves to whoever is trending, what Hollywood look is in, or sometimes just who is prevalent in our own circles of connection. Men wrestle with self-esteem issues, too.

I think we do ourselves a disservice when we compare ourselves to others. The judgment we pile onto ourselves and others because they don’t look or think a certain way weighs us down in ways we aren’t even aware of. I see people spew hate and discontent because they aren’t happy with themselves. Those people in turn feel the need to make others feel as discontented as they are. They long for people to see the world through the same scarred lenses they do.

There is a story in the Bible where Saul becomes Paul. Specifically where the scales fall from his eyes and he can see again. He is a changed man, a new man. He no longer looks at the world in the same way. Acts 9:18 “Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again.”

I think we all have times in our lives when the scales have to be removed from our eyes and we can see life differently, we become forever changed. Saul was a terrible person, he did horrific things, but God changed him and used him in ways he could never imagine.

Oftentimes we trudge along through life seeing only one way. We judge how our lives could have been or should have been because we were told it should be this or that. Maybe we compare it to what we see our neighbors have. We struggle to make ours just like theirs because it looks perfect to us. However, we only see one side of things. What happens on the other side may be a whole different picture. It isn’t until something upsets the view that we come away seeing things differently.

We have to stop looking for perfection and realize we are all God’s handiwork. The stitching may appear haphazard, but when you flip the tapestry over, it’s beautiful, it’s what God sees as perfect. Our eyes do not see things the same way.

When I was much younger I felt so detached from everything, my family life was estranged, my self-esteem was nonexistent, and I believed I deserved every bad thing that came my way. And believe me a lot of bad came my way. I put myself directly in the middle of the wrong path, thinking I could never be anything else. I thought I was damaged beyond repair. I could never obtain anything close to perfection.

Then someone told me God doesn’t make junk, but people do. We make piles and piles of junk every day with the criticism and pain we heap upon each other and ourselves as we strive for perfection that doesn’t exist. Perfection is only an illusion created by a comparison we create.

Imagine how boring the world would be if we were all alike. I want to be the brightly colored thread in the tapestry I referenced earlier. On the underside, I am knotted and pieced together, but on the upper side, I am the strand that helps pull it all together and enriches all of the strands that surround me.

You can’t make a beautiful tapestry with one thread of the same color and thickness, it takes many strands all woven together to make it beautiful. We all have our own unique talents and gifts to bring to the party of life. Don’t compare your gifts or your story to another, you were put in place to come alongside someone who needs your gifts and your story as much as you need to share it. It is by sharing we make each other beautiful and perfect in God’s eyes.

How do we stop striving to be something we aren’t? Or stop emulating someone’s shallow persona? How do we learn to just be who we are?

I believe we are here to show kindness and love, to come alongside each other, and to help each other get through every day as it comes. I know this sounds utopian, and you don’t have to share my beliefs or even agree with me, but I hope you pull something positive from this.

Trust me I am far from perfect. I just know for me, when I stopped searching for perfection, I found myself. And, even with all my imperfections, I like who I am. I actually think all my imperfections make me a little more interesting. There is good and bad in everyone, I pray every day, that my good outweighs my bad.

Be blessed, gentle reader.

Laugh

On By charminfothIn encouragement, Faith, Humor, Personality, PoetryLeave a comment

The things I know about my birth father’s personality I can count on one hand. 1. His birthday was April 15 so, he was an Aries. 2. He was the life of the party. 3. When he smiled, he lit up a room. 4. He could laugh at himself. 5. He loved women (probably too much, it’s what caused his death, but that’s a story for another day).

I like to think that I got my love of life and people from my father. I enjoy being the first one at an event and the last one to leave. I am just as happy to help set up the party or the cleanup afterward. As long as everyone is having a good time, I’m in my happy place.

I’ve been told my father was the first to laugh at himself. I think I’m a lot like that. My mother said my father’s philosophy was a line from a poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox’s poem “Solitude”. The line is…Laugh and the world laughs with you. If you haven’t read her writing, I encourage you to do so. I love her poetry. The poem itself is a testament that when life is good people want to share in your happiness but when times get tough, you are left to bear your burdens alone. So, the lesson I took from this is to find the joy in all things, it is better to laugh.

Life is too short, and too precious to be unhappy. I’m not saying I don’t have bad days, I do. I just don’t dwell on them and I look for the lessons that usually come from those days. I see so many people struggling, hurting, and sad or angry at where they are or what has happened to them. This life is oftentimes harder than we can imagine but there is beauty here as well.

At this stage in my life, much of the beauty that surrounds me is in the friends I have, those who love me just as I am. They laugh with me and that makes my life richer for the experience. Laughter is good for the soul. I also think it is healing, through all of the troubles and trials of life, laughter has healed my broken pieces.

Laughter is the spark that starts most relationships and I think it is what sustains relationships. There is no better feeling than being able to share laughter with someone you care about. Those moments are so special.

I also use laughter as a coping mechanism. I’m often socially awkward, or clumsy. Rather than feeling uncomfortable, those moments make me giggle inside or laugh out loud, depending on what occurred. Of course, most people don’t realize when I’m internally laughing at myself, but when it happens it helps me shake it off moment and move forward.

I recently heard a talk about anxiety. When you feel anxious and you feel your mind begins to overthink and spin out, catch yourself and take a moment to just breathe, and instead of telling yourself why everything will go wrong, ask yourself, “What if everything goes right?” Take your negative and shine a positive light on it.

Do you use humor or laughter to cope? What makes you laugh? Can you move past the pain of life into joy?

There is a simple joy in just being. Many people don’t truly grasp the concept of living one day at a time, let alone one moment at a time. When you slow everything down to a moment in time, knowing that at this moment it is all it can be. It can’t be redone. It is here and it is gone. So let me be joyful in this moment, with this situation, with me as I am, right now. Then as this moment expands to the next moment let me carry it forward.

I pray you find joy in the hard moments and peace in the years.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox - It is easy enough to be pleasant when life flows by like a song.

The Real-Real

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, Faith, LoveLeave a comment

I try to be real. I want others to be real with me. One thing I have found is most men on dating apps say they want honesty, but they really don’t.

I have been ghosted so many times for answering a question straight on. It seems the real-real truth scares the hell out of guys and they run. They don’t care to go deeper than the surface level with a conversation. Or, they don’t know how to process what I’ve said. Or, they get defensive and want to argue with me about my truth. That last one never ends well.

Very rarely, does anyone on a dating app appreciate me for my straightforward honesty. Maybe it is just my delightful blend of truth and sarcasm, or maybe I am just too blunt. Whatever it is, men do not take me at my word, and I find that a little sad.

I am very upfront. I am who I am, and I’m not changing that to accommodate someone else. Accept me or don’t, I’m ok with that.

I try very hard just to be straight with people. I have always been that person who if you ask me for an honest opinion, I will respectfully give you mine. You do not have to agree with me, it’s called an opinion for a reason. I am a grown-up and I can agree to disagree. Honestly, I think we need more of that in the world.

That said, I will never be in a relationship where I am not free to say what’s on my mind. Nor will l walk on eggshells to save someone’s ego. Walking on eggshells always causes someone to end up broken. I am not saying any of this with malice. On the contrary, I am saying this with all the respect I have.

By the same token, I don’t want to be in a relationship where someone can’t respectfully speak their mind with me. I don’t want anyone walking on eggshells around me, either. I’m not fragile nor does my ego need to be stroked.

Someone recently asked me what a woman really wants to hear. At this stage in my life, my answer is honesty. I want to know the truth, don’t sugar coat it, take out the guesswork, leave the mixed signals behind, and just be straight. Let’s have a conversation and take it from there.

I’ll tell you the truth, you do the same. It is so simple, so why does it seem impossible?

People worry about hurting feelings or saying the wrong thing. I would rather someone be respectfully honest with me than deceitfully lie to me.

If you have my trust, I am a no-secrets kind of girl. I believe the best relationships happen when both parties have equal footing. You get and you give in equal amounts. You uplift and strengthen each other. Life becomes better, richer, and more beautiful when you are allies traveling in the same direction and walking alongside each other. Your existence complements mine and vice versa.

I am coming to realize, just how blessed I have been in this life, and I am thankful. It seems this type of relationship is not as common as I thought. That breaks my heart.

I’ve survived terrible relationships and I’ve been blessed with wonderful relationships. Both types have taught me so much. I have friends I have had since childhood. Friends who I cherish, and who cherish me. I like to think the reason for that is they find me genuine, true, and loving.

I have always felt the best way to start any relationship is, to be honest. If at any time you don’t want to be around me, or I don’t want to be around you, let’s have an adult conversation and respectfully part friends. No need for drama or bashing. Let’s be adults. If, after the conversation, you can’t be an adult, wish me well, and walk away, then that’s a problem.

When things go south, pay attention. I learned the hard way. Communicate when things aren’t working for you. The sooner you communicate, the better off you are. Don’t let things fester like an old wound. Talk respectfully and honestly. Listen just as much as you talk. Make sure you are on equal footing. How do they respond to you? Do they listen and treat your thoughts and words with respect? Or, do they try to make you think you don’t know your own mind or aren’t aware of your own feelings? If that’s the case, it may be gaslighting and that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

There are catalyst moments in one’s life that change its trajectory. Counseling was one of those moments for me. Years ago, I went through counseling and the lessons I learned about myself forever changed me. I believe couples counseling works if both people put in the work. However, there are some things that can’t be saved. My marriage still fell apart, but not because I didn’t put in the work. It fell apart because the person I married was not the person I needed. There was no equal footing, no common ground, no respect, and somewhere along the way I realized, no real love. The counseling I underwent saved my life.

People, there is nothing wrong with standing up for what you need or what you believe in. If you don’t feel right about something, you need to listen to that little inner voice. At no point should you ever, EVER, feel forced to stay in a relationship you feel isn’t healthy for you. Don’t let someone guilt you into a relationship or gaslight you into thinking the problem is you when you feel it’s them.

The hope is always that things can be worked out with communication, and sometimes counseling is needed. However, sometimes that is just not possible, in those instances, it is best to cut ties. If cutting ties seems impossible or puts you in danger, tread carefully. If you are in a domestic abuse situation, please get somewhere safe and call the domestic abuse hotline, at 800-799-7233.

Know your worth. You are wonderfully made. My faith carried me through some very dark times, one verse that helped me was 1 Corinthians 3:16-17.

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy that person; for God’s temple is sacred, and you together are that temple.”

That verse gave me more peace when I was scared than anything, anyone ever said to me.

So my sweet people, go against the grain, be the real-real. Surround yourself with people who appreciate your honesty and let them be the real-real in return.

It is my prayer that you have someone you can be real-real with and can embrace a happy, bright life full of love.

Strange Duck

On By charminfothIn Dating, encouragement, LoveLeave a comment

I am going to tell on myself. I am a strange duck. I always have been. I am a living breathing oxymoron. At the very least, I am a challenge. At most, with me, life’s an adventure that’s never boring.

I am a strange contradiction in terms. I love to be with people, I love to be the life of the party, to be in the middle of what’s happening. However, I do not need to be the center of attention and I don’t have to be involved in what’s going on. I am perfectly fine as a spectator or doing things on my own.

I love to be out and about, but when I’m home, I’m home and I’m not getting out. I love to shop and buy nothing. I love to plan and be spontaneous. I love to think about the big picture and focus on the small details.

At times I crave noise at other times I crave silence. I love to people-watch and make up crazy stories based on someone’s body language. I love to listen to people’s stories. I am just as content to sit outside and watch the wind on the water or swing in a hammock in the woods with no one around but me and God.

I love to sit and talk with people and share a meal. I also like to read a book alone in the middle of chaos, noisy restaurants, music venues, sporting events, and such. I’m quite content being alone in a crowd. I can read or draw while singing along with whatever music as the hustle and bustle goes on all around me. I find it soothing. People find that strange. Is it strange?

I love music, but I am not musical. I know absolutely nothing about music, except what I like, and that is a very wide spectrum. I would be abundantly happy if I could have live music around me every day. Music brings me peace and lights up my soul. Music also brings out my creative nature like nothing else I know. If music is playing you might find me dancing, drawing, painting, writing poetry or this blog and occasionally cleaning, if I have to. Most definitely you will find me singing along, usually off-key, since I don’t know what the key is anyway.

I often look put together and like I know what I am doing, then I fall off my shoes or fart and then laugh until I snort because I fell off my shoes or farted. So nope, not put together at all. Most of the time, I’m like the duck, sitting smooth on top of the water while peddling his legs off beneath the surface.

I experience joy and sadness simultaneously and I think that is a gift from God.

Maybe, what started my adventure as a strange little duck is my mom used to call me Gracie as a child because that was the furthest thing from what I was. Usually, Gracie came out after I tripped over my own feet in public.

When I was 4, my mother put me in ballet classes. It was supposed to improve my balance. After a month they asked me to leave because I knocked all the other little ballerinas off the little balance beam (it was only 4 inches off the floor). They toppled time and time again, like little frilly dominos because I couldn’t stand on the beam without flailing my arms like a circus clown.

When I was 10, I tried out for the basketball team. During tryouts, I went for a layup and stepped on my Converse’s shoe string and broke my ankle in 3 places. I made the team and got a trophy for the most-improved player that year.

When I was 13, on picture day of my freshman year, I thought I would dress nice and wear heels. I strutted to the auditorium for my close-up. I thought I had it going on. UNTIL I had to walk down 5 long steps. I hit the last step, I fell off my heels and landed spread-eagle, in a dress, in front of all of the 3rd-period study hall, which had most of the cool kids in it.

Trust me, things didn’t change much as I got older. I could go on and on about the level of my clumsiness. I now play the game “Where did that bruise come from?” There are many, many stories here. My point is, in all of the stories, I am able to laugh at myself, not to poke fun at my own expense in a negative way, but to embrace the weirdness that is me.

I learned a lot through the years, but the ability to be happy in my own skin, be independent, and laugh at myself, I think are the best lessons in my life.

In the world of online dating where you put who you are in bullet points for some algorithm that will then put you in front of potential matches, I think I break the system. Obviously, the algorithm just doesn’t know what to do with me, given the strange brew of people it tried to send my way.

A friend of mine suggested I try a professional matchmaking service. Mmmm, nope. Not that concerned about it. I’m happy. I do find it interesting though, it’s like a study in cultural anthropology. It seems most people on these profiles want to be needed. I don’t need a big strong man to save me. I’m good. People are looking for someone to “complete them” or “be someone’s everything”. Those red flags give me the creeps. Co-dependent much? I don’t need to be fused to anyone’s hip, or, dress in matching jumpers like those twins from The Shining. Eww, just eww.

Wouldn’t you rather be wanted as opposed to being needed? I know I would. I don’t need a man in my life, if anyone is in my life it is because I want them there, and hopefully, they enjoy my company as well. I have my own space and you do not need to be in it every 5 minutes for me to know you exist and care.

I want someone I can be myself with, to share things with, to bounce ideas off of, to get advice from, to talk to., to be a friend, and in return, they get all of the same things from me. All of those things require a level of trust. When you trust someone, you don’t have to be in their face all the time. When you don’t have a level of trust any longer, you don’t have a working relationship. Communication is key. Talk to each other and say what you really mean. I think it’s that easy. I don’t think people get that level of straightforward.

A friend and I were talking about young couples and how rather than hurt their spouse’s feelings, they will oftentimes do something they don’t really want to do. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to share activities and have common ground with your spouse. As a couple matures they, hopefully, grow together and learn to embrace each other’s individuality and independence. I think differences and having independent activities make a relationship of any kind stronger and keep it interesting.

Someone told me they’d never met anyone like me. I told them, “I haven’t either! I’ve been looking, if you find one, let me know. I’d love to compare notes!” They laughed at me and walked away shaking their head. I may always be a strange duck and a contradiction in terms. It keeps people guessing. I know who I am, and what I want, I’m good. I hope you are, too.