I am going to tell on myself. I am a strange duck. I always have been. I am a living breathing oxymoron. At the very least, I am a challenge. At most, with me, life’s an adventure that’s never boring.

I am a strange contradiction in terms. I love to be with people, I love to be the life of the party, to be in the middle of what’s happening. However, I do not need to be the center of attention and I don’t have to be involved in what’s going on. I am perfectly fine as a spectator or doing things on my own.

I love to be out and about, but when I’m home, I’m home and I’m not getting out. I love to shop and buy nothing. I love to plan and be spontaneous. I love to think about the big picture and focus on the small details.

At times I crave noise at other times I crave silence. I love to people-watch and make up crazy stories based on someone’s body language. I love to listen to people’s stories. I am just as content to sit outside and watch the wind on the water or swing in a hammock in the woods with no one around but me and God.

I love to sit and talk with people and share a meal. I also like to read a book alone in the middle of chaos, noisy restaurants, music venues, sporting events, and such. I’m quite content being alone in a crowd. I can read or draw while singing along with whatever music as the hustle and bustle goes on all around me. I find it soothing. People find that strange. Is it strange?

I love music, but I am not musical. I know absolutely nothing about music, except what I like, and that is a very wide spectrum. I would be abundantly happy if I could have live music around me every day. Music brings me peace and lights up my soul. Music also brings out my creative nature like nothing else I know. If music is playing you might find me dancing, drawing, painting, writing poetry or this blog and occasionally cleaning, if I have to. Most definitely you will find me singing along, usually off-key, since I don’t know what the key is anyway.

I often look put together and like I know what I am doing, then I fall off my shoes or fart and then laugh until I snort because I fell off my shoes or farted. So nope, not put together at all. Most of the time, I’m like the duck, sitting smooth on top of the water while peddling his legs off beneath the surface.

I experience joy and sadness simultaneously and I think that is a gift from God.

Maybe, what started my adventure as a strange little duck is my mom used to call me Gracie as a child because that was the furthest thing from what I was. Usually, Gracie came out after I tripped over my own feet in public.

When I was 4, my mother put me in ballet classes. It was supposed to improve my balance. After a month they asked me to leave because I knocked all the other little ballerinas off the little balance beam (it was only 4 inches off the floor). They toppled time and time again, like little frilly dominos because I couldn’t stand on the beam without flailing my arms like a circus clown.

When I was 10, I tried out for the basketball team. During tryouts, I went for a layup and stepped on my Converse’s shoe string and broke my ankle in 3 places. I made the team and got a trophy for the most-improved player that year.

When I was 13, on picture day of my freshman year, I thought I would dress nice and wear heels. I strutted to the auditorium for my close-up. I thought I had it going on. UNTIL I had to walk down 5 long steps. I hit the last step, I fell off my heels and landed spread-eagle, in a dress, in front of all of the 3rd-period study hall, which had most of the cool kids in it.

Trust me, things didn’t change much as I got older. I could go on and on about the level of my clumsiness. I now play the game “Where did that bruise come from?” There are many, many stories here. My point is, in all of the stories, I am able to laugh at myself, not to poke fun at my own expense in a negative way, but to embrace the weirdness that is me.

I learned a lot through the years, but the ability to be happy in my own skin, be independent, and laugh at myself, I think are the best lessons in my life.

In the world of online dating where you put who you are in bullet points for some algorithm that will then put you in front of potential matches, I think I break the system. Obviously, the algorithm just doesn’t know what to do with me, given the strange brew of people it tried to send my way.

A friend of mine suggested I try a professional matchmaking service. Mmmm, nope. Not that concerned about it. I’m happy. I do find it interesting though, it’s like a study in cultural anthropology. It seems most people on these profiles want to be needed. I don’t need a big strong man to save me. I’m good. People are looking for someone to “complete them” or “be someone’s everything”. Those red flags give me the creeps. Co-dependent much? I don’t need to be fused to anyone’s hip, or, dress in matching jumpers like those twins from The Shining. Eww, just eww.

Wouldn’t you rather be wanted as opposed to being needed? I know I would. I don’t need a man in my life, if anyone is in my life it is because I want them there, and hopefully, they enjoy my company as well. I have my own space and you do not need to be in it every 5 minutes for me to know you exist and care.

I want someone I can be myself with, to share things with, to bounce ideas off of, to get advice from, to talk to., to be a friend, and in return, they get all of the same things from me. All of those things require a level of trust. When you trust someone, you don’t have to be in their face all the time. When you don’t have a level of trust any longer, you don’t have a working relationship. Communication is key. Talk to each other and say what you really mean. I think it’s that easy. I don’t think people get that level of straightforward.

A friend and I were talking about young couples and how rather than hurt their spouse’s feelings, they will oftentimes do something they don’t really want to do. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to share activities and have common ground with your spouse. As a couple matures they, hopefully, grow together and learn to embrace each other’s individuality and independence. I think differences and having independent activities make a relationship of any kind stronger and keep it interesting.

Someone told me they’d never met anyone like me. I told them, “I haven’t either! I’ve been looking, if you find one, let me know. I’d love to compare notes!” They laughed at me and walked away shaking their head. I may always be a strange duck and a contradiction in terms. It keeps people guessing. I know who I am, and what I want, I’m good. I hope you are, too.